College freshman likely depressed

[Anonymous]

DD has a history of anxiety and is is on Zoloft.
She started the semester out strong. Good grades and social life, made new friends.
But things took a turn when her high school boyfriend broke up with her. Since then, she's missed two weeks of school, spending most of her time sleeping during the day, skipped meals, crying often, and still trying to convince boyfriend to get back together.
We asked her to seek help from a therapist, but she refused. What can we do to assist her and prevent the situation from worsening?

[Anonymous]

Does she live at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she live at home?

no she lives in dorm, 12 hr away

[Anonymous]

Did she have a therapist while in HS? If so, I'd suggest reaching out to "tounch base" when she's home for Thanksgiving? Is she coming home for Thanksgiving?

Heartache is painful. If you don't think she's a danger to herself, she really needs to process this. But that's going to be hard to "watch" for a parent, your hands are mostly tied. Can you send her a care package reminding her that you're in her corner and she'll be OK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has a history of anxiety and is is on Zoloft.
She started the semester out strong. Good grades and social life, made new friends.
But things took a turn when her high school boyfriend broke up with her. Since then, she's missed two weeks of school, spending most of her time sleeping during the day, skipped meals, crying often, and still trying to convince boyfriend to get back together.
We asked her to seek help from a therapist, but she refused. What can we do to assist her and prevent the situation from worsening?

I'm so sorry, this sounds really hard. Is there a mental health center with drop in services? Do you think you could just get her to agree to go one time to that?

If not, I would suggest reaching out to her RA or a Dean of Students, tell them her status and ask them to check on her and see if they can help her access services.

[Anonymous]

Try to empathize and say that everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. Suggesting the therapist doesn't mean that you think she's depressed. It's normal to be sad when something bad happens, but when that sadness interferes with functioning (missing school and meals). Sometimes stuff happens that is so bad it overwhelms our normal ways of coping and we need to go back to therapy and change meds as part of our coping.

I would also give her a little feminist love -- it's always hard to break up, but she's so young that you expect she will go through a lot of breakups before she finds someone to marry or settle down with. Now is the time of her life where she should date more not less. Breaking up also isn't something one should frame as "there is something wrong with me" - sometimes peoples lives just don't mesh. There are many people I have loved in life but who weren't right for the long haul. Letting go of people so they can be who they need to be is a kindness, even if you feel alone for awhile.

That is why talking to a therapist can be helpful -- no one wants to process healthy love, sex and relationship with their own parents, and the parents advice is always suspect. Better to see a therapist and process what happened in a healthy way and hopefully get back to full functioning sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to empathize and say that everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. Suggesting the therapist doesn't mean that you think she's depressed. It's normal to be sad when something bad happens, but when that sadness interferes with functioning (missing school and meals). Sometimes stuff happens that is so bad it overwhelms our normal ways of coping and we need to go back to therapy and change meds as part of our coping.

I would also give her a little feminist love -- it's always hard to break up, but she's so young that you expect she will go through a lot of breakups before she finds someone to marry or settle down with. Now is the time of her life where she should date more not less. Breaking up also isn't something one should frame as "there is something wrong with me" - sometimes peoples lives just don't mesh. There are many people I have loved in life but who weren't right for the long haul. Letting go of people so they can be who they need to be is a kindness, even if you feel alone for awhile.

That is why talking to a therapist can be helpful -- no one wants to process healthy love, sex and relationship with their own parents, and the parents advice is always suspect. Better to see a therapist and process what happened in a healthy way and hopefully get back to full functioning sooner.

I am not sure she is ready for healthy relationship while struggling with low self-esteem. While her boyfriend appears to make her happy and feel good about herself, it may not be healthy to rely solely on someone else for your sense of self-worth. And break up would be devastating in case like this.





boost her self-esteem, it may not be healthy to rely solely on someone else for your sense of self-worth.

[Anonymous]

She’s missed two weeks of school and sleeps all day? Major bout of depression.

This is a huge red flag. If she can’t put one foot in front of the other and start going through the motions of basic functioning again, getting up and out the door to class. then she probably needs to come home for treatment.

College is a huge step that she may not have been ready for, if it hadn’t been the boyfriend it probably would have been something else.

Explain to her that life wont always linear from here on out. There can be a lot of one step forward and 3 back and failure, but resilience means you have to keep moving and looking for a way up and out of whatever hole you either dug or fell into.

When you essentially stop moving, lying in bed all day for weeks, a reaction not in proportion to the triggering event, then it’s time to take a time out to figure out why obsession is overriding self preservation.

Better to make arrangements to leave in a controlled way, as someone said reach out to the dean of students, request a medical leave of absence and get her home and into treatment.

She may not want to go back, but at least this gives her the option, and hopefully she develops some tools that help her to better whether the inevitable challenges ahead.

[Anonymous]

Did she register for disability services? If she, did, she should use her accommodations and/or get in touch with disability to let them know she is experiencing depression, has missed class and needs help navigating with professors about how to make up any missed work.

[Anonymous]

We had our son take a semester off, seeking therapy was required to return and now he is back and only taking 4 classes at a time instead of 5.

He did fail a bunch of classes 1st.

Sorry this is going on.

[Anonymous]

Does her college have something along the lines of a Freshman Resource Center or Counselor? I used to work in university administration, and the director of our center always told parents to *please* call her with concerns like this (or even more minor). Over the course of the first year she met with everyone in a mostly random order, but if she got concerns from a parent or a school staff member, that student magically came up next in the random order so she could touch base. She was a master at getting young adults to open up and helping them access other resources.

[Anonymous]

Make her file for a leave of absence next spring until she gets her mental health under better control. Agree with poster above that missing two weeks of school and refusing to go to a therapist are big red flags. Intervene now. If she really isn't functioning, just go and get her and take her home. She can always withdraw from her classes--it's better than failing them!

[Anonymous]

I’ll be the counterpoint: two weeks out, this seems in the realm of normal emotional up and down, for first major heartbreak.

Is she coming home for Thanksgiving? Empathize, validate, and then if u think she needs scaffolding to get her act together for end-of-semester, can you go back with her and stay nearby (hotel?) I recognize that’s disruptive and expensive. But there is a real cause for her feelings which tips it for me into realm of possibly normal, and she needs you to model and help with coping skills, NOT blow up her life by pulling her out of school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be the counterpoint: two weeks out, this seems in the realm of normal emotional up and down, for first major heartbreak.

Is she coming home for Thanksgiving? Empathize, validate, and then if u think she needs scaffolding to get her act together for end-of-semester, can you go back with her and stay nearby (hotel?) I recognize that’s disruptive and expensive. But there is a real cause for her feelings which tips it for me into realm of possibly normal, and she needs you to model and help with coping skills, NOT blow up her life by pulling her out of school!

No it does not. She is not functional. She is not going to classes, not getting out of bed. This is NOT NORMAL.

[Anonymous]

OP - I would have your daughter (because she is 18) contact her local doctor to see if she can be seen on an emergency basis next week and if she can, then leave early for her Thanksgiving break.
If not, then have her come home this weekend and give her the time to share with you how she is really doing because her mental health is the main concern. Contact the disabilities office if she is registered to learn what the specific process is for a medical withdrawal and the deadline. Also find out what the last date is to withdraw from a class or to request an incomplete. If there are classes that she says she thinks she would like to speak to the professor(s) about finding out what she would need to do to complete the course with an incomplete, the encourage her to do so. She would have several weeks at home to do so.

If she can be seen by her doctor, that would be the most recommended approach because if she needed a medical leave and was able to work with her doctor, there could be the opportunity to adjust her medication, get some therapy and evaluate if she could return to school in the spring semester with likely a somewhat reduced load of classes or not. Depending on the status of her mental health, given the distance from home, it may be important to find a local therapist for DD upon her return to campus.

On the other hand, if it is evaluated that she should withdrawal for medical reasons this semester, then she should do so. She may need an extended stay at home to address her mental health with her medical doctor and a therapist. It would be important to devise a daily routine as soon as advisable to get her on a good routine of nutrition, exercise and what she wants to be doing. This could be possibly completing the requirements for a couple of classes, finding a volunteer job, taking an interest class with no pressure at a community college, taking a couple of classes at a community college which might transfer, or getting a part-time job.

Our oldest daughter withdrew as a sophomore just about this time from a major school as she just needed time to deal with MH that surfaced her freshman year, In her case she had AP credits she used and she did take a couple of classes in her major spring semester at a local college - both of which counted. She also found she could sell jewelry at a local department store quite nicely and saw her medical team as needed. It was a rough time, but she did get the mental health treatment she needed and the break from school helped her reset herself.

I will say a withdrawal at this time of the year is also possible to reset things depending upon the student and return for spring semester as this happened to DD as a senior in college. In her case she took incompletes after talking with her professors and was able at home to complete her work. It helped that her psychiatrist was able to see her weekly and felt it was possible if medication was adjusted. It usually takes several weeks to do so. Our DD realized that this would be a continuing aspect of her life that she would need to learn to manage and she has done so with some blips. Today, she is in the job she studied for, is well regarded in her field, married and has two teenagers. She has learned how to judge what supports she needs in her life to keep a balance, including medication change, therapy, and daily exercise. Right now it may seem like the end of so many dreams, but it need not be. There is no one pathway to the future.