Ever had one of those "I'll never quite get over this" moments?

[Anonymous]

I am constantly trying to be a more patient, better mom to my just about to turn 2 year old. Overall I think I do okay - husband and I are pretty good about tagging out when we've reached our breaking point. I've also had moments when I've firmly said "no" to something that is not reasonable and my two year old has burst into tears and I've not felt one ounce of guilt.

I don't know why this has affected me so much but I just know it is one of those moments I'll never forget. My child has torn a couple of book pages before, just from being too rough. It's a pet peeve of mine so we are trying to avoid it happening again. Last night before bed we were doing our sit-in-the-rocking-chair and read some books pre-bedtime routine, and we got to this one part - my child was really excited for the one page because of what appears there and in her excitement she ripped the page ever-so-slightly.

I said to her very sternly something like "NO! You are not going to rip this book! You have GOT to be more careful." It wasn't a yell but it was obvious I was snapping at her and frustrated. She didn't say anything, or cry, or look upset. Immediately I felt bed for dampening her excitement even if I didn't upset her. I said something like, "I'm sorry. I got angry and I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's okay. I just don't like the book to get ruined but it's okay - you didn't mean to."

She was fine but for some reason I can't let this go. It's one of those things I just know I'll never let go of, and I don't know why, considering I've yelled before, lost my temper, and considering she didn't even seem upset. I guess it was just her simple excitement and then my frustration.

I am sitting at work and I just want to cry and cry and cry over this. I know no one's perfect but sometimes I just can't believe how much love I have for that child and the thought of NOT being the perfect parent she deserves just kills me. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

I have had one of those moments, which I won't detail here, but I did want to relay what my husband said to me when I finally told him about it two years later. He looked at me and said, you know you can't change what happened. But, when our DD has her own children, maybe this is a story you can share with her?

It may be hard to understand without the context of the situation, but I still tear up thinking about it. However, that has gotten me through the last year and a half without constantly beating myself up, and letting that one incident influence so many aspects of my family life.

We all make mistakes as parents. Learn from it, and do it better next time. And remember to practice forgiveness, as you hope to be forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I have had a moment like this. It's the little things that can really grate on your heart. I completely understand

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. I can remember my parents screaming at me over the tiniest things. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. I can remember my parents screaming at me over the tiniest things. It happens.

PP here. I meant to add...and I never thought they didn't love me.

[Anonymous]

I know the feeling. And I also know that it's far healthier for both of you if you forgive yourself and let it go.

It's all about practicing balance: on one hand trying to be the best parents we can be, while on the other hand accepting ourselves the way we are, flaws and all.

The alternative is to punish yourself with guilt and regret for not being perfect. This is not a great model for our children, either. We don't want them to be similarly obsessed with perfection and therefore down on themselves when they fall short. Much better for kids to see their parents make mistakes, acknowledge/apologize/correct them, and then move on in peace!
Hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

OP, don't mean this in a snarky way but you sound like you may be depressed. Maybe do one of those online quizzes and get some help if that may be the case? Parenting is all about the oxygen mask going on you first and it's a bit concerning that you can't shake something relatively minor. Can you take an evening or 2 off and just do something fun with a friend? Kind of reconnect to the pre-parent you? If perfectionism is an issue for you a couple of sessions with a therapist could also help you get some insight.

We stuck to board books for quite some time for this reason, maybe that might work for the page ripping issue? We also buy our books cheap, TJ Maxx is great. For the preschool and under set it's just part of learning to read. You can always mend the pages with tape. I think this is a flag that there is something going on though, take good care of you, too.

[Anonymous]

I have - and then I got over it.

I have done things and then thought for days I was a horrible, horrible mom. And then I realized I am human.

You did the right thing. You apologized and explained that you were frusterated but you shouldn't have gotten mad. Its OK to show kids that you are human and make mistakes. It might even make them realize they are allowed to make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Hey, at least she didn't cry. I've had to speak very sharply to my 21-month-old daughter before (for running into the street, hitting me after I've told her not to, etc.) and then that little lip starts quivering and she just bursts into tears... I feel like the worst person in the world. But after I give her a huge hug and she stops crying, I usually stop feeling that way.

If you really can't get over it, maybe one of the PP's is right - you might be a little depressed? I can promise you, your child will NOT be traumatized by one little incident, or even a few like that. (Hell, my parents spanked me and I didn't hold it against them.)

[Anonymous]

OP -- don't beat yourself up. Life is about a lot of these type "moments". We tend to always remember the negative things and forget the many positive things. I'm sure your child will remember many, many positive things you and hubby will do for her over her childhood years.

[Anonymous]

I snapped at my daughter a few days ago for kicking over a chair. It was an accident, but I didn't know that. She had been acting like she was going to kick it over, and I had told her to please stop shoving the chair with her foot. The thing is, the reprimand was out of my mouth at the same instant that she jumped in startlement from the noise. Yep. My reflex to yell is exactly as fast as a kid's startle reflex to an unexpected noise. That's sobering.

[Anonymous]

OP here - this has been one of the most helpful threads, thanks everyone. It is very helpful to realize and actually read that many others have been there, and it's hard to avoid these moments.

To the PPs who mentioned depression - you have really made me think and I appreciate it. I don't think I'm depressed, but I do know I am under stress and not handling it well. I don't FEEL that stressed other than the typical working-mom-in-the-dc-metro-area stresses of life, but something is going on and for the last few weeks, I've been having some physical symptoms of stress (neck and shoulder issues, noticing my jaw is clenched and tight, feeling tired and not sleeping well).

One of the issues is that I used to take really good care of myself before I was a mom in terms of doing yoga three times a week, getting massages every few months, and of course, sleeping 8 hours per night. Those things are gone now - I still eat healthy, get in some exercise, and try to make yoga every week or two, but I need more sleep and I need to figure out a way to not internalize the stresses of life and being a mom. Sometimes I will stop and realize I'm not even hardly BREATHING. I'm just holding on so tight and I don't know why.

Not to be even harder on myself, but I know people out there have it harder than me - I have a lot of support and so in some ways I just want to scream, snap out of it. But I know that's not helping. I have been so focused on looking for physical help (should I see a PT about my neck issues, should I try to go to yoga more, etc.) and maybe I should look at it from a mental perspective - and talk to someone. Problem is when can I fit that in, and what would I even talk about? I wish there was something that combined to two - a physical therapist who listens!

[Anonymous]

Neck problems can result from lots of anxiety. Muscle tightness to be exact. Hardly breathing could also be anxiety. Crying over a situation that you described could be a result of depression. And again, don't let us here talk you into being depressed. Just consider it and consult a professional. Too many posts on this board are "you might be depressed." And try to remember the 25 things that you did right that same day as well please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. I can remember my parents screaming at me over the tiniest things. It happens.

PP here. I meant to add...and I never thought they didn't love me.

Thanks for this. I yell and lose it more often than I would like. I am also very loving with my children. It's good to know that while I work on the former, they hopefully won't forget the latter.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is where a sense of humor helps. I used to beat myself up constantly. First, when DC#1 was learning to crawl and walk and would fall and hit her little head. I felt like the worst mother of the year. The 9,000 times I caught her didn't matter. The one miss did. I knew I couldn't go on like that, so I developed a joke - whenever she fell, I would beat myself up for about 10 minutes, and then I would say, "Oh well, there goes another 50 IQ points."

Now that she is 8, I have the same rule, more or less. I think more abut what I do and when I snap I say sorry and explain that I am not perfect - no one is. Then I beat myself up for 30 minutes or more. And then I say, "Oh well, time to make a contribution to the therapy fund." There has to be an end to the self-flogging and hair shirt wearing. I find that the jokes I make to myself or DH help me let it go. But you had better believe I try harder the next time and every day I possibly can.

*Disclaimer: This post brought to you by a mom who was a complete raving bitch at the same kid for not wiping after she went potty last night and letting the pee run down her legs (I think I made a reference to raising a barn animal), but who tonight cuddled and talked with and read to that same kid even though I have pneumonia. Maybe she'll turn out to have mood swings. Time for another therapy fund donation...