Telling your kids about your SA

[Anonymous]

Has anyone told their kids about their own sexual assault? How did that go snd what age were the kids?

My DD is 16, and i kind of want to tell her as that was the same age it happened to me. I want her to know that part of me, normalize taking about in case she ever needs to tell me anything, and of course to the extent possible use it to help keep her safe. My therapist says it's up to me if I want to tell.

[Anonymous]

I do not plan to tell DS. I don't know if I would feel differently about a girl or if I would just go about it the same way I've gone about it with DS. (Discussing coercion, consent, etc).

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends on the child. Some kids will be able to handle the news. Others will not and it will be a burden to them.

How does she normally handle intense subjects?

[Anonymous]

I would not. This is deeply painful for a child to hear about their parent and would traumatize her. You can keep her safe without sharing info that will hurt her and that she isn’t old enough to process fully.

[Anonymous]

His dad was the offender, so no.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I would maybe allude to it but I wouldn't tell specifics (age, who, etc) until they're older (like 25).

I think you need to be able to talk to them about a lot of sex things coming up, and you don't them blaming or blowing off your advice because of your trauma (because teens can be like that, they won't relate).

[Anonymous]

I tell each of my kids either as they are going off to college or somewhere in their freshman year.

[Anonymous]

I told my DS for similar reasons OP is considering telling her DD. Normalizing the conversation around SA and squelching the shame and taboo as well as reinforcing to him that he can tell me anything. I think it was middle school. I thought it was important along with conversations we continue to have around consent. It did not traumatize him. This is just my family's experience, YMMV.

[Anonymous]

yes, by all means burden your 16 year old with this information so they can "know this part of you".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, by all means burden your 16 year old with this information so they can "know this part of you".

Ouch.

[Anonymous]

For my oldest daughter I told her during freshman year of college, part of a discussion following her best friend from high school being assaulted. For the second, in the midst of an experience that she had trouble articulating as assault her senior year of high school. For the youngest, who is still in high school, I don’t know, but have a feeling that I will share at some point, hopefully to avoid it being a secret that some know/some don’t and not due to her or a friend experiencing sexual assault.

[Anonymous]

I don't plan on telling them for a long, long time.

[Anonymous]

As someone with direct experience on this, I recommend waiting until your child is 30+.

[Anonymous]

Do other family and friends know? If so better they hear it from you than someone else purposefully or accidentally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, by all means burden your 16 year old with this information so they can "know this part of you".

I don't understand why it is a burden? It's not some dirty secret the kid has to carry around.