I feel like a huge loser who will never catch up

[Anonymous]

DH and I stuck in dead end jobs, both have mental health issues, struggling to deal with day to day stress. Families are a mess -- serious mental health issues, substance abuse, huge rifts and drama on both sides. Just zero support either place and both families view us as the "stable ones" who don't need help or support.

I see peers moving up in careers, buying new homes or upgrading existing ones, taking on new projects at midlife, living expansive lives full of family and friends and positive outlooks.

I feel like we're stuck in our jobs, our home (small apartment, I don't feel like we'll ever be able to afford anything else), like we're failing our kid in terms of education (terrible IB schools). I feel like I shelved all my dreams for myself and my family because there was never enough money, time, bandwidth. I used to want to go back to school or start a business or go buy a fixer upper and renovate it ourselves. I used to have energy and dreams. Now it's all I can do to get through the day, keep my house reasonably clean, get my work done, make sure my kid is fed and makes it to school.

I feel like everyone else moves forward and we just stand still. I'm not even talking about money or professional success in an absolute sense. Just moving forward, evolving, having goals and going after them. I feel like when I develop goals I have to give them up because if I were to accomplish it, I'd have to do it 100% on my own with no support or encouragement, while also fulfilling all my duties as a parent and wife, and I just can't do it.

My sleep is crap, my diet is crap. I have health issues that are going unaddressed because I don't have the time or energy or even the childcare to address them. I had to cancel a doctors appointment last week that took my months to schedule because I my kid was home from school and no one else could watch her.

We can't afford to outsource anything, not childcare, not housecleaning, nothing. We can't even do take out more than maybe once a week because it's just not in the budget. The grind of that is just endless.

I just wish my life felt like it was moving anywhere at all but I feel so stuck and just can't find a way out of this rut.

Signed,
Feeling stuck and lost as the whole world just passes me by

[Anonymous]

You're further along than me. At least you aren't also single. Otherwise my life is completely dead end. I will work my dead end job until the day I drop dead. I can't change jobs or get more education. Being stuck sucks.

[Anonymous]

Eat the elephant one bite at a time, OP. Once you've blown out the candles on the cake at your pity party, make a small change to your life and stick with it. I suggest incorporating something for yourself like measurable exercise.
Then, make another change. Nobody wakes up and decides that's the day they'll start a business / renovate a fixer upper.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot more people like you than there are people like the ones you envy. The difference is that a lot learn to accept their fate and find small moment of joy and contentment, and you're killing yourself with comparisons that always end up in your disfavor.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. I feel similarly. But here is the thing—given the hurdles in front of me, I’m probably ahead. Try to be gentle with yourselves and proud of what you have. Comparison is worse than useless.

[Anonymous]

When you have a child, you move forward. You are developing as a human being by being a parent. Pack a lunch and take your kid out to a free activity on a weekend. These years pass by quickly and you want to make memories outside your four walls.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know you, but you strike me as very articulate and self-aware. I’m guessing you are a pretty competent person based on how well you express yourself. Remember you are a capable person. Deep breath. Less negative self-talk. Address the health issues - it can be very empowering to address health issues you’ve let fester. Those are my initial thoughts.

[Anonymous]

OP, deep breaths and drink 4 liters of water every day. It helps so much with mood, and moving on.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. BTW, everyone feels this way at one point at a time.

Please, may I ask you to be positive and take baby steps for your child at least?

Try to figure out a better diet ..etc.

Things will get better. promise. but don't give up.. it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Maybe start with expanding your social circle locally? Depending on your kids age, you might find a mom group or friends in the apartment complex. The don't have houses either.

You should pat yourself on the back for getting to where you are despite the family background. To modify the metaphor about being born on 3rd base, you were off the field.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you move to IB to a better school? How small is the apartment? Even if you own it, you don't have to stay there.
I finally make $60k a year after working for 25 years. I live a very good life in a small rental with one child. No DH or DP.
I guess it helps to have friends in similar situation, no health concerns, and no family with any problems nearby.

[Anonymous]

If you both have crappy, dead end jobs, you can move and rent somewhere else. Think big. Where can you find better schools and lower cost of living?

[Anonymous]

Move, even if you have to commute. Go to your primary care and get an antidepressant to start.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way too, OP. It helps me to get a bit of perspective (e.g. every time I see anything about a kid with cancer I realize how idyllic and amazing my current life would look if mine got sick). It also helps me to get out of my small cramped space and be outside doing fun stuff as much as I can.

[Anonymous]

OP, the kid years are your slow years. Raising a child is not only moving forward, it is creating a future beyond your own life. You ARE doing that.

You have a very important goal already, and that is to raise a good kid. As they say on airplanes, put on your own oxygen mask first: get control of your sleep, diet, exercise, and mental health. Don't do it with some big elaborate plan; just one choice, one day at a time, and eventually they become habits. Include your family in these new habits. Regular habits miraculously create more time for other things.

It is OK to let the other fantasies go for now, and stop comparing yourself to others. Focus inward.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We can't move. I'm not going to get into why (some very specific things about out housing, financial, and work situations). Trust me, I've been trying to find a way out of this stupid apartment for a solid two years. That's a major part of my frustration right now -- I'm mad that I can't even do this one thing to improve our situation and I just have to suck it up.