Sharing news with coworker experiencing long-time infertility

[Anonymous]

A direct coworker I consider a "work friend" has been trying to have a baby for several years without hope or success. I, too, struggled to get pregnant, had one successful pregnancy, several miscarriages, and anticipated not being able to conceive again ... and I'm now pregnant and dreading telling her. While I know she will be happy for me, I also realize the news is probably going to be hard for her to hear, and she is going to have to see me most days "being pregnant" which I know can be triggering.

I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions for what or how to pass along this news. I keep going back and forth around if I tell her in person at work (and if so, when in the day and where/how) or if I text her when we're not at work? I've thought about telling my whole team at the same time rather than individually, but I'm not sure if getting the news that would would be better or worse? I realize I'm likely overthinking this, but I want to be as sensitive to her as possible. Any suggestions or even "say this, not this" type of thing would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Text her when you are not at work. Congrats and you are a nice person. Infertility sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Text her when you are not at work. Congrats and you are a nice person. Infertility sucks.

+1 to this. And text her, don’t put her on the spot by telling her in person.
Congrats, OP! And you sound like a very considerate person. I dealt with infertility for years and, while I eventually had children, I remember that pain all too well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Text her when you are not at work. Congrats and you are a nice person. Infertility sucks.

+1 to this. And text her, don’t put her on the spot by telling her in person.
Congrats, OP! And you sound like a very considerate person. I dealt with infertility for years and, while I eventually had children, I remember that pain all too well.

+1 I have also been on both sides of this, OP. Congrats! And your sensitivity will be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I would text her on Friday after work.

[Anonymous]

Give her a heads up via text or email so she can respond but not on the spot. Maybe mention when you plan on telling everyone.

Congratulations, and you also sound like a thoughtful colleague.

[Anonymous]

This happened in my family. Sister struggled with infertility for years. Brother who we all thought didn't want kids- his wife got pregnant. He told sister privately and a solid week before telling anyone else. Gave her a chance to process and deal with emotions. She appreciated the kindness, and I think your co-worker will, too.
I agree with telling her (or texting, I guess) and end of day on a Friday.

[Anonymous]

Text her on a Saturday. Don’t compare your situations. “I wanted to give you a heads up on some news that we’re just starting to share. I’m expecting! I’m going to tell the team on Monday.”
If she replies with something about her situation, at that point, acknowledge that you understand if this news is hard and if she doesn’t want to hear about your pregnancy or needs to keep some distance and that you’re rooting for her.
I suggest not comparing the situations off the bat because she might legitimately be excited for you and offended that you’d think otherwise or exclude her. I think the worst possible scenario is telling her in front of a large group of people.
I agree with above posters that you sound really sincere! Good luck to you and your friend!

[Anonymous]

Do not tell her with the entire team at work!

I agree with sending her an text/email outside of work. I often just needed a little time to adjust to the idea, and then I would be fine. But maybe don't expect her to gush over baby stuff with you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Text her on a Saturday. Don’t compare your situations. “I wanted to give you a heads up on some news that we’re just starting to share. I’m expecting! I’m going to tell the team on Monday.”
If she replies with something about her situation, at that point, acknowledge that you understand if this news is hard and if she doesn’t want to hear about your pregnancy or needs to keep some distance and that you’re rooting for her.
I suggest not comparing the situations off the bat because she might legitimately be excited for you and offended that you’d think otherwise or exclude her. I think the worst possible scenario is telling her in front of a large group of people.
I agree with above posters that you sound really sincere! Good luck to you and your friend!

I agree with texting on a Friday or Saturday, but I would just acknowledge her situation upfront. Trust me, it will be hard news for her to hear even if she is sincerely happy for you, so I see no reason not to just say that upfront. If a friend or colleague who knew about my struggles with infertility just sent me a message telling me that they were expecting with no recognition of what I had shared, I would be sad about that.

[Anonymous]

If you haven't already told her, I'd encourage you to add "no need to respond" (or something similar) to your text. Give her the space/opportunity to not feel obligated to respond to your message. I very much appreciated that from a friend who shared her news in a very considerate, well-timed text.

[Anonymous]

It's a matter of fact. But a fact you don't share unless you would share with, for example, your boss.

Your work-friendship will have to be based on other topics. You will need to make conversation, not about this, but about other things. The friendship may not survive. You won't be able to share all of this with her. It's not likely to survive.

[Anonymous]

How does one say something like this?
"I got knocked up..."?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does one say something like this?
"I got knocked up..."?

“I wanted you to be the first to know, Gary and I are expecting a baby (insert sex/gender if desired) in June.”

[Anonymous]

My sister found out her very last IVF had failed a few weeks before I announced my pregnancy to my family. I sent her an email before I told anybody else and just kept it factual. I didn’t gush about how happy we were or assume that she would be devastated. All those emotions are valid and there’s always time afterwards to discuss those, but for the first communicating, just keep it straightforward.