How did I end up with DH?

[Anonymous]

One minute I feel so lucky I met him and he is a part of my life, the next I’m wondering why I am with him!? It’s so crazy. He can be such a downer over the simplest things. I just don’t get it. It’s like he chooses to put a damper on things. He’s not always that way, but when he is, it’s for reasons I cannot comprehend.

I thought we had crossed over a difficult period and achieved a level of intimacy that had brought us to a better level of understanding. But a few days later he’s back to his old ways of disregarding me and my feelings. I’m back to having to explain to him why he can’t treat me that way especially in front of our kid. He apologizes, but it’s back to square one again. It’s so tiresome.

I’m just letting go of trying to make things work in terms of us being a couple who does couple things. I’m focusing on myself and the running of the household and being a good mother. Anything beyond that, he is not interested and I’m tired of trying to make him interested. He’s only interested for a couple of days after we have amazing (for him) sex, but then, zap! back to square 1. I don’t expect him to make feel special, but he does the opposite of that. And that’s just not cool.

[Anonymous]

So to answer your question, you end it by telling him you want a divorce and seeing a lawyer to draft a separation agreement.

[Anonymous]

Big red flag, OP. He sounds like he has some mental health challenges that preclude a health and loving partnership.

If you want children one day, don't delay too long and do not have children with him. Not only won't he be supportive, but they might inherit whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry, I just saw you have children. That complicates things. Perhaps research all the main mental disorders, check if one fits, and suggest therapy and treatment accordingly. Or prepare for divorce. I don't think this is going to get better.

[Anonymous]

You need to set the bar higher. If you are a good housekeeper and mother and having amazing sex regularly, then you are a catch.
He should actually make you feel special, and you should feel like you deserve a partner who makes you feel that way. Don’t just tell him what not to do. Tell him what *to* do if he wants to keep you happy. And tell him what you are doing to make him happy!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he wants to change, but it’s a struggle.
You probably ended up with him because you didn’t think that you deserved someone who was nice to you when you were dating. Now you have changed into a more confident person, and he is just still the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he wants to change, but it’s a struggle.
You probably ended up with him because you didn’t think that you deserved someone who was nice to you when you were dating. Now you have changed into a more confident person, and he is just still the same.

Yup 👍🏽

[Anonymous]

You’ve become a door mat. Couples therapy might help but first I’d meet with a divorce attorney to develop an exit plan. I’d try the couples therapy and if that doesn’t work I’d execute the separation and divorce plan. The key is to be prepared and not let him take financial advantage of you. When the barn is on fire you want to be the first horse out.

[Anonymous]

“How did I end up with DH?”
You enabled his behavior and that’s how you ended up with DH.

[Anonymous]

“End up” sounds very passive. Only you can answer the question.

[Anonymous]

Mine was autistic possibly. No feelings, cold like a cucumber unless he wanted something.
Very good at hiding that he was cold.
He did things that even hurt himself. He couldn't explain why he behaved like that.
Also, very superficial. No small talk, zero friends.
Again, no feelings, no reaction to feelings. Unless he remembered that he is supposed to react like most people would. Then it came out all wrong or clumsy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One minute I feel so lucky I met him and he is a part of my life, the next I’m wondering why I am with him!? It’s so crazy. He can be such a downer over the simplest things. I just don’t get it. It’s like he chooses to put a damper on things. He’s not always that way, but when he is, it’s for reasons I cannot comprehend.

I thought we had crossed over a difficult period and achieved a level of intimacy that had brought us to a better level of understanding. But a few days later he’s back to his old ways of disregarding me and my feelings. I’m back to having to explain to him why he can’t treat me that way especially in front of our kid. He apologizes, but it’s back to square one again. It’s so tiresome.

I’m just letting go of trying to make things work in terms of us being a couple who does couple things. I’m focusing on myself and the running of the household and being a good mother. Anything beyond that, he is not interested and I’m tired of trying to make him interested. He’s only interested for a couple of days after we have amazing (for him) sex, but then, zap! back to square 1. I don’t expect him to make feel special, but he does the opposite of that. And that’s just not cool.

The bolded, to me, indicates you both are at a point in the relationship where you don’t know what the f*** you are doing and need a counselor or third party professional.