Waiting for kid to display interest in something/anything…

[Anonymous]

Hi all. I have a DS, almost 16, who seems, to date, to have no really strong interests or direction in life. Maybe that’s normal, but he’s an only, and I’m not sure.

My kid is an A-/B+ student, with some anxiety issues. He doesn’t seem drawn to any particular subject in school, nor is he particularly skilled at any subject above others. E.g.: not interested in programming; doesn’t read unless he has to; doesn’t have any idea what he’d like to do when older. Does sports but is fine with meh performance. Even when small, he didn’t go through those intense periods of interest in trains, dinosaurs, Harry Potter, etc. etc. that all his peers seemed to experience.

I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that this is normal – is it? Do most kids find a direction once they’re in college (and how do we even pick a college knowing he has no particular interests)? I knew what I wanted to do well before 16, so I don’t have much benchmark for comparison.

Thanks, all. Tell me to calm the F down and stop helicoptering, if that’s appropriate. 😉

[Anonymous]

College can be where many of us find out about options and interests that we hadn’t previously known were out there — so that will be reassuring.

What does he do with his free time?

[Anonymous]

My personal view is that kids only find things they like by trying new things. Sitting at home on your butt will not result in inspiration. I'd encourage him to get out there and try all the things that sound interesting. It doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment, but he needs to be exploring interests now.

I'd be particularly careful that anxiety is not holding him back from putting himself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My personal view is that kids only find things they like by trying new things. Sitting at home on your butt will not result in inspiration. I'd encourage him to get out there and try all the things that sound interesting. It doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment, but he needs to be exploring interests now.

I'd be particularly careful that anxiety is not holding him back from putting himself out there.

We've encouraged him to try new stuff throughout his life. Nothing ever seemed to "catch" him, though. Endless different sports, arts, student groups, etc. etc. We'd ensure he gave each one a fair go, but he was never particularly interested by any of them, and never (to be brutally honest) particularly good at any of them, with the possible exception of drawing.

His spare time is spent talking, playing video games with friends, hanging out with friends. Playing with the dogs; hanging out with us. Learning to drive. Plays a sport each season and works a very part-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My personal view is that kids only find things they like by trying new things. Sitting at home on your butt will not result in inspiration. I'd encourage him to get out there and try all the things that sound interesting. It doesn't have to be a lifelong commitment, but he needs to be exploring interests now.

I'd be particularly careful that anxiety is not holding him back from putting himself out there.

We've encouraged him to try new stuff throughout his life. Nothing ever seemed to "catch" him, though. Endless different sports, arts, student groups, etc. etc. We'd ensure he gave each one a fair go, but he was never particularly interested by any of them, and never (to be brutally honest) particularly good at any of them, with the possible exception of drawing.

His spare time is spent talking, playing video games with friends, hanging out with friends. Playing with the dogs; hanging out with us. Learning to drive. Plays a sport each season and works a very part-time job.

Life is long. He shouldn't give up on finding something he likes at 16 yo. Keep trying stuff.

My sister has never done anything in the arts at 16 yo, but volunteered to do costumes for the school musical as a junior in high school. She's now a costume designer on Broadway and loves it. She has no idea she was even artistic or creative up until that experience.

I know others who found a passion by volunteering for a campaign or non-profit, others in a lab, and others others at a job. There are lots of options.

[Anonymous]

He plays a sport and has a part time job. That, plus school. I guess, what do you want from him? Plenty of very successful people don’t find a passion and go on to have great careers and lives.

[Anonymous]

This was me. I'm still not super passionate about anything except reading, which is more something I enjoy doing in my downtime. I think it's a lot to expect everyone to become passionate about something. He sounds like a good kid, let him be him.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal. I magically found my passion in the workplace at nearly 30. I had an undergrad degree in engineering and an MBA by then. He’ll keep moving. He may not be “interested” in any of it, but it’s fine.

Business Administration is a really good catch all degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He plays a sport and has a part time job. That, plus school. I guess, what do you want from him? Plenty of very successful people don’t find a passion and go on to have great careers and lives.

OP here - thanks, this is exactly what I need to hear, I think. I'm surrounded by people who "have passions" and "work their dream jobs" and their kids all Have A Thing They Do. He's a great kid. Very caring and emotionally intelligent. I'll try to put my rotors down....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s normal. I magically found my passion in the workplace at nearly 30. I had an undergrad degree in engineering and an MBA by then. He’ll keep moving. He may not be “interested” in any of it, but it’s fine.

Business Administration is a really good catch all degree.

PS - I was alwwys interested in not being poor so I have always had a well paying job with insurance and benefits.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine. Most kids are like that. Maybe when he is older he’ll grow interested in something. I think it’s bizarre we expect teens to have some passion - it’s often a manufactured passion anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He plays a sport and has a part time job. That, plus school. I guess, what do you want from him? Plenty of very successful people don’t find a passion and go on to have great careers and lives.

OP here - thanks, this is exactly what I need to hear, I think. I'm surrounded by people who "have passions" and "work their dream jobs" and their kids all Have A Thing They Do. He's a great kid. Very caring and emotionally intelligent. I'll try to put my rotors down....

This speaks volumes and is way more in-demand than a phony passion.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids is smart and anxious. The pandemic threw a wrench into exploring activities, and their main activity was a sport.

Very slowly, their interests expanded. They are in college now and, with that larger world, are being exposed to more and more opportunities and ideas.

Keep an eye on things, see if they need support/drugs/therapy for anxiety, and invite them into trying new things. Don't lecture at them or drone on and on because that won't work.

What helped my smart anxious kid was medication, therapy, and having a new and larger environment. I think it also helped that, in college, they met more ADHD/anxious/smart kids. My guess is they feel less alone than they did with their neurotypical smart high school friends.

Their self-esteem took a nosedive because they had to work four times as hard to get their good grades.

[Anonymous]

My son is very similar OP. He's a smart kid and does well in school but isn't actually interested in anything. I keep waiting for him to get super turned on by history or art or math...but nope. He just does what he needs to and moves on.

We put him in a top private school for high school (not for this reason but we thought it also might help ignite passions) but he's still his same self. He's in classes of 10 kids with teachers that are super invested in him and the subject matter and he's still sort of "take it or leave it." Again, he gets good grades--does all the reading (and there's a ton of it) but never really develops an interest in the material outside of class.

I'm sort of worried by this but then I remember that my brother was similar. he was basically a bump on a log (albeit a high performing bump) until really his mid 20s. Then he came into his own, developed interests, etc. When I think of he boys at my son's school I'd say a small handful have strong, independent interests in things. Many of his friends are also just going through the motions of what is expected: learn this math, read this book, etc. etc.

BadiclLy I sympathize and think it's fairly normal for boys, especially this generation of boys .

[Anonymous]

Chill out. I have an “average” kid who isn’t particularly passionate about any particular thing. She is great with people, loves her family and friends. She will do awesome in life. Her EQ is great.