Does your elderly parent talk down to you and treat you like an idiot?

[Anonymous]

The ironic thing about my mother losing her cognitive abilities is she treats me like I have no cognitive abilities. I got a case manager involved with monitoring her care because she would lash out at me as she declined and didn't have any awareness. That helped. I try to talk to her with dignity and not treat her like a child and yet, she treats me like a child. We had a relationship that was manageable in my 20s and 30s because she accepted I was an adult who got married, had kids and has a career. Now I am fully expecting to get a call this week informing me of things like the war going on in Israel. She will tell me like I am a clueless pre-teen and then if I calmly remind her I read the news, she will tell me exactly what I am supposed to think. She will tell me that 12 times because she is losing it. If I change the topic she will chastise me like I am a rude child. Fun times!

[Anonymous]

Yes! During my most recent visit (to help my dad while he was in the hospital) she accused me of abusing her throw pillows. When on a walk, she ordered me into the grass when a car was coming a few blocks away. I am over 50 years old. This behavior is very triggering as she was a critical, emotionally volatile parent. In the moment, it is hard to remember that she is clearly nuts. I feel your pain, OP.

[Anonymous]

No, but her dementia before she passed had its moments. On one occasion I flew into visit her and when I was getting ready to leave she asked me if I had enough money to get home. I was the CEO of a large company so I thought it was pretty funny. Once a mother always a mother. I do miss her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! During my most recent visit (to help my dad while he was in the hospital) she accused me of abusing her throw pillows. When on a walk, she ordered me into the grass when a car was coming a few blocks away. I am over 50 years old. This behavior is very triggering as she was a critical, emotionally volatile parent. In the moment, it is hard to remember that she is clearly nuts. I feel your pain, OP.

OP here and I relate to this and I'm over 50 too! Yes, it is very triggering and reminds me of the fact she has always been critical and volatile. Yes, I have to remind me she is the one who is nuts and I try to have a sense of humor and just accept this isn't going to get better. I was fortunate in adulthood I found a way to have a pleasant enough existence with her and I do find myself feeling sad for the child who didn't know life could be any different. I truly hope I am never like this with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but her dementia before she passed had its moments. On one occasion I flew into visit her and when I was getting ready to leave she asked me if I had enough money to get home. I was the CEO of a large company so I thought it was pretty funny. Once a mother always a mother. I do miss her!

OP here I do have to admit that made me laugh and it shows how far gone she was. I'm glad you found the humor! There were funny crazy moments with my dad, but with my mom it is just reminders of how she always assumed I was clueless and useless. I get occasional glimpses of the person I could have a relationship with in adulthood, but they are so rare.

[Anonymous]

Yes my mom has always tended to do this but has gotten increasingly bad. At my wedding shower she made some reference to Audrey Hepburn and said “you probably don’t know who that is.” I said yes, I know. And then she continued to harp on how I wouldn’t know who she is… in front of all her friends. It was so embarrassing for her! And this was 12 years ago when she was 65 or so. And the repeating things 10 times. And she’s always had an annoying ability to just monologue her inner thoughts at me while we’re on the phone. It’s not a conversation it’s a painfully long and looping free association session. I think maybe it’s loneliness but she has a confidante (my dad) and even some good friends. Anyway we’ve moved to mostly texting over the past decade but she’s trying to get me to talk more on the phone with her, lately. It’s just… not a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My father is on medication for cognitive decline and HBP. He is almost 70. He stopped taking his medications during the shutdowns and literally lunged at me and injured me in a fit of paranoia. He's back on his meds now and that has made a big difference. He still gets confused sometimes, but he's not violent anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes my mom has always tended to do this but has gotten increasingly bad. At my wedding shower she made some reference to Audrey Hepburn and said “you probably don’t know who that is.” I said yes, I know. And then she continued to harp on how I wouldn’t know who she is… in front of all her friends. It was so embarrassing for her! And this was 12 years ago when she was 65 or so. And the repeating things 10 times. And she’s always had an annoying ability to just monologue her inner thoughts at me while we’re on the phone. It’s not a conversation it’s a painfully long and looping free association session. I think maybe it’s loneliness but she has a confidante (my dad) and even some good friends. Anyway we’ve moved to mostly texting over the past decade but she’s trying to get me to talk more on the phone with her, lately. It’s just… not a conversation.

OP here. i did the same. Moved to texting. Phone calls could turn on a dime to agitation or rants. There was not much back and forth, mainly her talking and free association.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My father is on medication for cognitive decline and HBP. He is almost 70. He stopped taking his medications during the shutdowns and literally lunged at me and injured me in a fit of paranoia. He's back on his meds now and that has made a big difference. He still gets confused sometimes, but he's not violent anymore.

OP here I am so sorry you went through that. I found the tantrums pretty traumatic and they never turned physical. I can only imagine what it must have been like for him to lunge at you. I am glad he's back on meds. Mine would rage at me, I'd take a break and she went back on meds...feel normal, behave, decide she was cured, go off meds...rage at me and the cycle continued.

[Anonymous]

I live in the path of the full eclipse and had to deal with lectures via text all week about eclipse safety and not looking at the sun. We are a few weeks out from temps below freezing so I’ll get the loop about protecting my outdoor faucets soon, too.

I think it’s anxiety that’s fueling these non-conversation monologues but when I’m in the middle of one I don’t think oh, this is anxiety. It just feels exhausting and repetitive, there’s no give and take, and it inevitably builds to the point that I want to lash out like a beleaguered 13 year old.

[Anonymous]

If I can get distance from it, I can appreciate that my mother is in the very beginning stages of dementia, and maybe that is why she is constantly picking fights with me. This kind of behavior is dredging up all kinds of feelings about how she has been manipulating me for years. And how she has been critical and difficult and childish and completely inappropriate with me (ranting about my father since I was ten years old). Still ranting about my father. It's really hard.

Only raising my own kids and getting my own therapy has shed light on how messed up some of this stuff was and is. But now she and my dad need me in a way they never have before. There is no hope for a reckoning where I explain my feelings and she listens and takes responsibility. It is all on me to hold it together and take the emotional abuse. Exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in the path of the full eclipse and had to deal with lectures via text all week about eclipse safety and not looking at the sun. We are a few weeks out from temps below freezing so I’ll get the loop about protecting my outdoor faucets soon, too.

I think it’s anxiety that’s fueling these non-conversation monologues but when I’m in the middle of one I don’t think oh, this is anxiety. It just feels exhausting and repetitive, there’s no give and take, and it inevitably builds to the point that I want to lash out like a beleaguered 13 year old.

This. It's anxiety and a brain that is not working optimally and I find if I interrupt the monologue at all with "thanks for caring about me, but I am aware and don't need these daily reminders" anxiety flips to rage. I think feeling that you want to lash out might be feeling trapped because you are doomed if you defend yourself, you reinforce it if you simply say "thank you" and there is no solution. You can make an excuse to end the conversation or only respond to the part of the text that is tolerable, but you cannot change them and it just gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I can get distance from it, I can appreciate that my mother is in the very beginning stages of dementia, and maybe that is why she is constantly picking fights with me. This kind of behavior is dredging up all kinds of feelings about how she has been manipulating me for years. And how she has been critical and difficult and childish and completely inappropriate with me (ranting about my father since I was ten years old). Still ranting about my father. It's really hard.

Only raising my own kids and getting my own therapy has shed light on how messed up some of this stuff was and is. But now she and my dad need me in a way they never have before. There is no hope for a reckoning where I explain my feelings and she listens and takes responsibility. It is all on me to hold it together and take the emotional abuse. Exhausting.

I relate to this so much and I suggest if they have money for it you hire a middleman-geriatric social worker/case manager/aging expert to coordinate care and check on them. You can look out for them and not allow abuse this way. My mother behaves better for strangers. Then when you visit you simply make an excuse to exit the second abuse starts. I think it's important to teach our kids that even family cannot abuse us. Whether it's an aging brain/alcohol/mental health issues or something else abuse isn't OK and we distance.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but he did that before he was a senior. He does have more emotional difficulties now. The filter has fallen off. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's always been so since I'm an only child, but it seems to be worse in the past year or so.