Medical Aid In Dying. Actual experience?

[Anonymous]

Hello. While many here frequently mention choosing medical aid in dying as an end of life option, I wonder if any here have had the experience as a family member of a loved one exercising this option, and could share what it was like, what you wish you had done to prepare, etc.

At the moment I’m in southwestern state where MAID is allowed, with a much loved 91 year old family member. In January, after beating what was expected to be terminal prostrate cancer, FIL fell, which cascaded into other issues and resulted in him being in and out of hospital and rehab for two months. He returned home and was adamant that was where he wanted to remain, something we fully appreciated. I should add, mentally he was still all there, a brilliant former scientist’s mind in a body that was just failing him. Ambulatory but very frail. My husband ended up staying into May helping him to be able to make that happen, with home aides coming in several days a week for a few hours, home modifications, etc. FIL had daily visits from his long time companion and over the summer had many longer visits from far away family loved ones. My husband would go out every few weeks for a week or three to check on him. Other than medical appointments, FIL was able to be in a home he loved, eating the food he liked (he was still preparing simple meals — thank you Trader Joe’s), seeing loved ones, and spending time reading and listening to music. Then, this past Sunday, thankfully while my husband was visiting, his health took a sudden turn for the worse. Couldn’t get out of bed alone and experiencing a great deal of pain. Every day his body function has diminished. He saw his doctors and took the decision to enter at-home hospice care, but also MAID which is scheduled a few days from now.

I flew out yesterday to support DH. Our adult kids have FaceTimed and sent messages of how much he has meant to them, as have others (we’re a far flung family, with no one living here.) I’m crying writing this all now, realizing I need to write something down otherwise I will not be able to adequately express myself to him. It’s intense. This is my first death where I’ll be present. So, words of advice? For example, what do you do after? Where did you go?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, but be thankful that your FIL has that option. So many don’t. I definitely don’t have any experience here and I’d doubt many do, it’s not offered in many places.

Just like any other end of life, be there for the person, be loving and supportive, try not to let the recent memories dilute the person you know and love. Be happy for him that his journey is ending and be supportive of his choice. There’s no happy ending here but you can love him and support the rest of your loved ones.

[Anonymous]

How wonderful that he had a nice summer and how lucky he was that your DH was there when this happened. I've talked to enough people that I can from afar wonder if this was not by your FIL's will and desire that he "let go" when DH was there. How wonderful for him to exersize control and agency over his life at this time. How sad for you and your family. Keep coming back to this thread as you need to for support while you support your Husband and FIL.

[Anonymous]

I watched my mom suffer at the end of her life with no option for MAID in MD. I hope the fact your FIL can go peacefully at the time he chooses brings your husband and family peace. It’s wonderful that he has been showered with love and visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom suffer at the end of her life with no option for MAID in MD. I hope the fact your FIL can go peacefully at the time he chooses brings your husband and family peace. It’s wonderful that he has been showered with love and visits.

That’s sounds terrible, I’m sorry. There wasn’t time to move to DC?

[Anonymous]

My brother had a MAID after a traumatic accident (and he had some serious medical conditions prior to that as well). It's really hard, OP, because nothing prepares you for this. Please don't worry about what to say or do. Just try to sit with everything as much as you can. It's OK to take breaks, especially to get outside for a bit and get some fresh air.

We just sat with him, held his hands sometimes, talked a little bit, talked to him a little bit, and just made it peaceful. Don't pressure yourself to say the perfect goodbye. If you can, a heartfelt thanks for being in your life or something like that is fine. Try to breath and be peaceful and focus on the fact that he got to make this choice, which doesn't happen for most people, and that you got to be with him.

Best wishes to you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but thankful that it is an option for your family.

This American Life just had an episode on this:

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/779/ends-of-the-earth

The episode, or the book referenced in it, might help you and your family.

Peace and blessings to you all.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I am following, with sympathy.

My mom has a serious diagnosis and has said she'll choose MAID. If or when you are ready, I'd love for you to post back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched my mom suffer at the end of her life with no option for MAID in MD. I hope the fact your FIL can go peacefully at the time he chooses brings your husband and family peace. It’s wonderful that he has been showered with love and visits.

That’s sounds terrible, I’m sorry. There wasn’t time to move to DC?

Don’t you realize what it would take to move an ailing elder to DC and the papers, new providers, fight for a willing pharmacy, and everything else that would entail?

[Anonymous]

I don't think anything could ever prepare me for watching someone I dearly love die. I'm nearly 10 months out and I still have a hard time getting the last images out of my head. I needed to be there but it was truly traumatic for me.

We took my dad's lead, he wanted certain people there, he wanted a small taste of his favorite food. I'm glad I have one video of him giving some advice to my nephew while he was still able to do so. I'm mad I didn't have him record something for my kids but the timeline was unpredictable and I was a mess. Since this is your husband's dad, be there for him in any way that you can. My husband was my dad's best friend but he was my dad plain and simple, my husband was devastated but he served as my rock despite his own grief. What did I do after? I just wanted to go home and be with my babies. I am grateful knowing that my dad went out on his own terms, that he is now with my mom, together, but it's still just hard. Hugs to you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

I sat with my Mom as she died. Her health had been fragile, but we had had time to say things that needed to be said. For me, the important thing at that point wasn’t words, but my loving presence — so that she would not be alone with whatever happened. You might want to play music, or talk, or wear familiar perfume, or clothing in textures that might offer comfort.
I held her hand sometimes, sat so my hands could touch your skin, and tried just to be there with her.
After my Mom died, I waited with her body until the undertaker came.

Afterwards I went home, took a long shower while I cried, then went to sleep. I knew that the next days would be demanding in different and possibly unexpected ways, so I wanted the peacefulness of sleep and space to grieve before I had to deal with planning things.

It’s hard, OP. But it’s also a blessing to be able to be there with and for someone you love.

Wishing you peace and comfort, OP.