Supporting Husband During Big Fight w/His Parents

[Anonymous]

Without getting into details, several weeks ago my husband recently stood up to his parents--who have a long history of expecting their children, regardless of age, to defer to their wishes and actions without complaint--after they did something quite hurtful that he wasn't going to stand for. He did so politely, but firmly, while still making it clear he loved them but he did expect changes in behavior moving forward.

They have lashed out repeatedly since he did so but my husband feels strongly he is doing the right thing. (And I totally agree!)

We've mostly always operated under the rule of "each spouse manages their own family," so I wasn't involved in initial confrontation but knowing their family dynamics...I believe him when he says it was very rough. And it seems like it'll continue to be rough for some time.

And all of this has happened during what was already a stressful time to boot. I feel for him and have looked for ways to cheer him up which I know he appreciates.

But...I've struggled with how to walk the line between supporting him while not demonizing his parents. Because, in all honesty, they're lucky they don't have to deal with me directly because I would absolutely love to chew them out. At the same time, I don't want to--and will not--make anything harder for my husband.

Anyone wiser than me have good advice for continuing to walk this line in a productive manner?

[Anonymous]

Just don't name call them. "Yes, your mom was wrong to say our son should be named after her and we should give our son to them to raise and we're fools not to." That's fine.

"Your mom's a freaking idiot if she thinks our son should ..." would be demonizing.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why there's a line to walk? He's dealing with it, you just focus on being there for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why there's a line to walk? He's dealing with it, you just focus on being there for him.

Fair. In all honesty, I likely posted because I am very angry over what they did and looking for any outlet to blow off my own steam without putting more of a burden on him.

Thanks for the good reminder about watching out for the name calling. At least I'm pregnant so can't drink heavily

[Anonymous]

You both sound like drama llamas. There is absolutely no reason to continue this already contentious discussion amongst yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound like drama llamas. There is absolutely no reason to continue this already contentious discussion amongst yourselves.

Humans notoriously do well when they don't talk about what's on their minds

[Anonymous]

Just focus on him. Reiterate to him that you understand and support his decision and back him on the choices he’s made. Acknowledge that you understand this is hard for him because of the strong emotions but you’re behind him and proud of his strength on whatever he chooses. That’s all. Just keep it about him.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you say or do, don’t denigrate his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just focus on him. Reiterate to him that you understand and support his decision and back him on the choices he’s made. Acknowledge that you understand this is hard for him because of the strong emotions but you’re behind him and proud of his strength on whatever he chooses. That’s all. Just keep it about him.

This. You can validate him and agree the behaviors were problematic. As long as you stick to the behavior and don't call them names it's fine. He did the right thing and it's tough. I have been in his shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why there's a line to walk? He's dealing with it, you just focus on being there for him.

Fair. In all honesty, I likely posted because I am very angry over what they did and looking for any outlet to blow off my own steam without putting more of a burden on him.

Thanks for the good reminder about watching out for the name calling. At least I'm pregnant so can't drink heavily

Go work out? Join a book club? Go rake leaves?

Literally ANY other outlet is appropriate except blowing up at his parents. “My wife agrees with me!” is the least effective argument after “My mommy thinks you’re wrong!”

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would just reinforce the boundary by telling him this was a long-time coming and you 100% support this but you are sorry this is hurting him.

[Anonymous]

Suggest you do couples therapy if you are pregnant with your first especially bc parenting alongside a mama’s boy comes with baggage.

As for you, call a good friend who lives far away and tell them the whole saga of how terrible his parents are.

[Anonymous]

Validate his observations and feelings. Suggest therapy for his to get strategies to deal with his parents. Be empathetic. Suggest he block them/ stop responding and go no contact for a while so he can get a break from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suggest you do couples therapy if you are pregnant with your first especially bc parenting alongside a mama’s boy comes with baggage.

As for you, call a good friend who lives far away and tell them the whole saga of how terrible his parents are.

Nothing about OP's post refers to her DH as a mama's boy, he has parents that are unreasonably demanding and he stood up for himself- good for him.

Kudos to your alignment OP and I hope DH feels the much needed support. You are at a crucial time period though- you will need to figure out the relationship your child has with their grandparents and think about boundaries big time

[Anonymous]

OP here, just to say thanks a bunch for the advice.

This is our second child, so we've been working on boundaries in regard to grandkids for some time now. Thankfully my husband and I are on the same general page--while we don't show our frustration with DH's parents, we also don't/won't allow the solo visits that my in-laws have pushed for, etc. It'll continue to be a process, especially after this blow-up, but at least we don't come from wildly different places.

DH isn't a mama's boy, whatever that means in practice. He is a good man who prioritizes me and our kid(s). I respect that he also isn't the type to cut ties unless absolutely necessary, which I don't think is our current situation even though I'd love to never have to deal with them again!

Thanks again.