What’s up with this kid and what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Last year I posted about my kid befriending a kid in 2nd grade, and I observed (posted here) the kid made a lot of sexual reference jokes and violence jokes. Noting this to explain this isn’t a one-off.

Now they are in third grade. Today we were carpooling and here are some things he said in the car.

He referred to someone as a lemon licker. I initially thought nothing of this but then he started talking about someone “licking his lemons” and I realized it was a sexual reference.

We were playing a game where I ask them in rapid succession a bunch of questions- what did you learn, what did you eat, what did you play… I also add who did you fight, and who did you help- (the fight question is a way for my kid to tell me about any conflicts he might be having. He always laughs and says he’s not in a fight with anyone and thinks it’s hilarious that I ask it.). The kid added a new question to the game. The question was “who did you kill” and the reply to his self-asked question was “everyone”.

At one point my son squealed “ooh!” The boy said “that’s a really bad word, you should never say that.” My son was very confused, and the child continued “ooh ohh” (like in a sexual way) and said when you say that to a girl you really like them. Then he dared my son to say that to a girl in his class. (The latter part of this didn’t raise a flag/ it was the sexual moaning that was weird and that “ooh” is a bad word).

Finally, when I was dropping him off, we were parked in front of his house. As he took off his seatbelt he lunged at my son and my son was shrieking. I turned around and asked firmly what was going on. My son said “Larlo is grabbing my balls!” I looked at Larlo and said “never do that again to my child or anyone else. Do you understand?” He nodded. I repeated it and also told my son he should tell me if it happened again. After drop off my my son said that was the first time he had done that, but I’m not sure I believe it.

It’s weird right? My son still loves to talk about butts and farts and whatnot, but I feel like this is darker. His parents seem to be lovely people. He doesn’t have an older sibling. What do you think about these incidents and how to proceed? He’s my kid’s bestie.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it’s weird. You need to put some distance between your child and this friend. The kids who talk like this and inappropriately touch other kids tend to get in trouble both in and out of school usually starting in 4th or 5th grade and often that trouble includes the kids in their friend circle. Get your kid into an extracurricular or something where he’ll meet other friends and where you’ll have a reason not to carpool with this boy. And request in writing that they be in separate classes at school going forward.

You could say something to the other kid’s parents but most likely they’ll take it as a criticism and won’t react well. It sounds harsh but quiet quitting is the best way.

[Anonymous]

He clearly is learning this somewhere. I agree, distance yourselves, if this is second grade it's not going to get better.

[Anonymous]

That's the end of that carpool.

[Anonymous]

This behavior is very problematic. Very unfortunate that the child is your son’s bestie because you need to create distance but your son won’t understand why. It’s tough.

Do you know the parents? Any chance they don’t know? Do adults notice at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This behavior is very problematic. Very unfortunate that the child is your son’s bestie because you need to create distance but your son won’t understand why. It’s tough.

Do you know the parents? Any chance they don’t know? Do adults notice at school?

I am very friendly with the parents. While we are not independently friends, are kids are in many activities together and we always chat. They just moved here a year ago and my child helped their son to get to know other kids and now they are part of a larger social friend group. Right now they are in one sort together and they are probably going to sign up for baseball bc my son and several kids in the core group are on the team.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the parents. It might not be one of them but someone else in the child's life. There's no way for you to know or find out.

Worst case, maybe you'll burn a bridge by raising the issue. Best case, you'll help get this on their radar and they can help their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last year I posted about my kid befriending a kid in 2nd grade, and I observed (posted here) the kid made a lot of sexual reference jokes and violence jokes. Noting this to explain this isn’t a one-off.

Now they are in third grade. Today we were carpooling and here are some things he said in the car.

He referred to someone as a lemon licker. I initially thought nothing of this but then he started talking about someone “licking his lemons” and I realized it was a sexual reference.

We were playing a game where I ask them in rapid succession a bunch of questions- what did you learn, what did you eat, what did you play… I also add who did you fight, and who did you help- (the fight question is a way for my kid to tell me about any conflicts he might be having. He always laughs and says he’s not in a fight with anyone and thinks it’s hilarious that I ask it.). The kid added a new question to the game. The question was “who did you kill” and the reply to his self-asked question was “everyone”.

At one point my son squealed “ooh!” The boy said “that’s a really bad word, you should never say that.” My son was very confused, and the child continued “ooh ohh” (like in a sexual way) and said when you say that to a girl you really like them. Then he dared my son to say that to a girl in his class. (The latter part of this didn’t raise a flag/ it was the sexual moaning that was weird and that “ooh” is a bad word).

Finally, when I was dropping him off, we were parked in front of his house. As he took off his seatbelt he lunged at my son and my son was shrieking. I turned around and asked firmly what was going on. My son said “Larlo is grabbing my balls!” I looked at Larlo and said “never do that again to my child or anyone else. Do you understand?” He nodded. I repeated it and also told my son he should tell me if it happened again. After drop off my my son said that was the first time he had done that, but I’m not sure I believe it.

It’s weird right? My son still loves to talk about butts and farts and whatnot, but I feel like this is darker. His parents seem to be lovely people. He doesn’t have an older sibling. What do you think about these incidents and how to proceed? He’s my kid’s bestie.

YIKES. I would feel compelled to talk to the counselor ( annoymously) that kid is in danger

[Anonymous]

In school he is known for having a few meltdowns, like screaming. There is one kid who gets under his skin and sets him off. I think it’s better this year though. I don’t know what else other adults have observed. I’ve never talked about him to other parents bc I don’t want to talk poorly about a child within our group. But I may ask another parent now bc this was a bit much.

[Anonymous]

I would also raise it to the school in an informational, not accusatory, way. Maybe he has too much YouTube freedom, but that’s a lot of red flags for sexual abuse and the school should be on alert not only for inappropriate behavior towards others, but also if he says something that in context could warrant a CPS report. Perhaps start with the guidance counselor and say there’s a child in school and describe the behavior without naming names, then ask whether and how to report it.

And yes, you have to end that carpool and create as much distance as you can. A third grade bestie could be a long term friend, and I bet this behavior is just going to continue to escalate.

[Anonymous]

Please have a call with the school counselor. They need to flag this.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird but happens. It’s like the child that doesn’t understand personal space. It’s not normal, but every school has one.

My child had a friend like this: impulsive, exposed to a lot mostly because of YouTube, lots of inappropriate language and behavior. There was another very sheltered kid in the group who copied all of his behavior and the two of them were so terrible, but the other kids in the group thought they were hilarious. It was terrible. I tried everything to break my child apart from the group.

By 4th grade, the original offender had outgrown the behavior. The sheltered child had not.

[Anonymous]

Lemon licker isn't a reference to balls. Some of this stuff sounds like too much online time or spending time with an older family member, perhaps a cousin. My neighbor is an only child and learns all kind of trash from her older cousins during her handful of visits with them each year. The groping is much more concerning, and I would worry that the child was being abused in order to learn that behavior. I would bring it up to the parents before going to the school or, God forbid, CPS.

[Anonymous]

The child sounds like he has a psychological disorder going on. Either way, time for your son to switch sports and distance. I would slow fade from him and his family

[Anonymous]

School psychologist here. Major red flag warnings. First, you need to have a talk with your son and tell him that you are upset about what happened and that you want him to always be safe. Explain that touching like that is unacceptable and find out if it has happened before. You want your son to understand how serious this is and to be comfortable telling you about it.

Imagine that it’s ten years from now and your son is telling some therapist that this kid repeatedly assaulted your son, and your son reports that his mom knew about it, but just told the other kid to stop and that was it. What could be happening in school bathrooms and locker rooms going forward? Believe me, there are sometimes problems like this. Your kid has to get the message that you put an end to it.

You need to tell the other kid’s mom what happened and that to ensure your child’s safety, you will not be carpooling any more.

You need to tell the school guidance school and also tell the school that you don’t 2ant your son in this kid’s class or in any unsupervised location with him, like the restroom.

You have grounds to call the police here and the other kid could be ordered to keep away from your kid and change schools. This kind of thing recently happened at a school where I was working.

Your priority is to make sure your son gets the message loud and clear that you will protect him, that his safety is paramount, and the other kid needs to have this behavior known so he can get treatment and learn that it’s not okay. Whether he has deep psychological issues or is immature and impulsive, he needs help and your kid needs to know you have his back.

Imagine the other kid talking to a therapist ten years from now, while being evaluated for treatment following an arrest. He tells the therapist that nobody ever made a big deal about when he did things like this, so why is he in trouble now? And the parents say that nobody told them what he was doing.