My mother goes silent when she doesn’t get her way

[Anonymous]

My mother will pout, use this whiny, tearful voice, and when that doesn’t work, she goes full silent. In the past when this happened, she would have suicidal ideations, which would cause us to, regrettably, run to her and cater to her whims. She was in therapy and was honestly getting better, but has started up with her old behaviors again.

Currently in the middle of a silent treatment. I’m worried she might hurt herself, though she’s given no indication. I’m also not playing her game, nor will I. We ended with my text and her non response. I know she’s mad, and that’s ok!

So how to I stand my ground while also not being a horrible daughter. I feel like I need to check in with her while simultaneously feeling like I don’t: if she wants to pout and be isolated and miserable, that’s on her.

Anyone experience this and how do you cope?

[Anonymous]

You need to know (and probably do) that this is emotionally abusive behavior. It may stem from a disorder she has however it doesn’t change the effects it has on people around her. I’m sorry. Have you ever seen anyone yourself to deal with this highly manipulative behavior from your mother?

[Anonymous]

Keep yourself busy.
Re-read this post, especially the part where she manipulates everyone and causes them to run to her.
Stay strong.
Go to therapy yourself. There’s no way you can not be therapy if dealing with this much dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Stop defining yourself as a “good” or “bad” daughter. Just stop.

Instead, how about defining yourself as a healthy person who sets boundaries for herself and doesn’t allow herself to be manipulated by an obviously manipulative person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop defining yourself as a “good” or “bad” daughter. Just stop.

Instead, how about defining yourself as a healthy person who sets boundaries for herself and doesn’t allow herself to be manipulated by an obviously manipulative person.

This. So this.

I cringe when some people tell posters "you are a good daughter" as they put up with abusive behavior. Do not reinforce bad behavior. Remain calm. Do not give in. You can't control her, but you can set limits on what you will tolerate.

[Anonymous]

Calling 911 every single time will usually put a stop to suicide threats, once they realize you are serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling 911 every single time will usually put a stop to suicide threats, once they realize you are serious.

OP here and 100%! I plan on doing this going forward, if and when she threatens. As of right now, she just left my text on read and didn’t respond to a call. I will not keep calling and/or texting; I think she wants us to believe she’s dead in her apartment and hopes we come to her. I fully believe she’s just giving the silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the silence.

My guess is that you haven't had many moments of real peace in your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can’t ever be a good daughter to a mom like this. Because she is not interested in having a daughter; she is only interested in having a servant/therapist/punching bag. And you can’t be that for her without becoming so mentally ill yourself that you can’t be there for the people who matter and need you. She needs to take up her feelings with a therapist and if it takes a falling out to make that happen then great; but in the mean time you focus on the people in your life who want what you can safely offer.

[Anonymous]

I'd wait for her to respond. Should any holiday be approaching I would send her a card in the mail or have something delivered.

[Anonymous]

Read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Eye opening book by a mental health professional on how to deal with parents like this.

[Anonymous]

I understand wanting to check in. What if you set up a schedule for yourself. For example, every 2 weeks you text your mom to say hi. You do this whether she is giving you the silent treatment or not, so you are controlling the schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop defining yourself as a “good” or “bad” daughter. Just stop.

Instead, how about defining yourself as a healthy person who sets boundaries for herself and doesn’t allow herself to be manipulated by an obviously manipulative person.

This. So this.

I cringe when some people tell posters "you are a good daughter" as they put up with abusive behavior. Do not reinforce bad behavior. Remain calm. Do not give in. You can't control her, but you can set limits on what you will tolerate.

+1

If she kills herself, she kills herself and there is nothing you can do about it. That's a devastating fact but it's true. Separating yourself from her choices she makes out of her own free will doesn't make you a bad daughter. This is hard but with time, it'll get easier. Looking back now, the amount energy and time I spent worrying about my mom and trying to help her is bananas. I thought I owed her that or that I was a bad person if I didn't help someone in need. But it did nobody any good. Life went on just the same for both of us after I stopped (except that I finally was free of a burden that should never have been mine to carry).

Also, she is highly unlikely to actually kill herself. The vast majority of people, women especially, with suicidal ideation don't go through with it.

[Anonymous]

If she goes silent, remain silent as well. She obviously needs space, so give it. If she messages back something suicidal, then ask her if she needs you to call 911? But beyond that, don’t engage. I would also seriously think about talking with her once she is out of this slump. Set boundaries. If she doesn’t stop her ways then you should cut her out of your life. You owe her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother will pout, use this whiny, tearful voice, and when that doesn’t work, she goes full silent. In the past when this happened, she would have suicidal ideations, which would cause us to, regrettably, run to her and cater to her whims. She was in therapy and was honestly getting better, but has started up with her old behaviors again.

Currently in the middle of a silent treatment. I’m worried she might hurt herself, though she’s given no indication. I’m also not playing her game, nor will I. We ended with my text and her non response. I know she’s mad, and that’s ok!

So how to I stand my ground while also not being a horrible daughter. I feel like I need to check in with her while simultaneously feeling like I don’t: if she wants to pout and be isolated and miserable, that’s on her.

Anyone experience this and how do you cope?

My mom is the same although she doesn't say she will kill herself. I am enjoying the peace and realize that I don't need to be a "good" daughter. Nothing was good enough. I took her to Ireland and she complained that I was too fat. So she decided she didn't want to talk to me or see me ever again because I will be fat.

Our moms are mentally ill. Mine is narcissist and I highly doubt she ever loved me at all. Wishing you peace