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Infertility Support and Discussion
Is anyone about to give up and live childless?
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Anonymous
| I am going through an IVF as a final resort of having a child. If it fails, I am thinking about just accepting the fact that it's not meant to be and try to find happiness in other things (travel, new career, etc). Does anyone feel the same? |
Anonymous
| Not in your position but just wanted to wish you the best of luck and peace to find a decision. |
Anonymous
| Yes - we're still at iui stage, but willing to try ivf next. If that doesn't work - we'll be giving up on having children. (For our own reasons, neither of us want to pursue adoption.) At least for now, we've come to terms that kids might just not be in the cards for us. I got married at 36, dh is 43, so although I kind of always thought kids were inevitable, I didn't count on it considering the somewhat late stage of life when we finally found each other. |
Anonymous
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OP not sure your age but I went through two IUIs and an IVF at 39/40... baby grrl was born a day after my 41st bday this past April and I was totally convinced I would never had children. Hang in there.
My twin sister has come to terms she won't have kids herself but she and her spouse have dogs, birds and ferrets that keep them occupied and amused / busy. Other friends/family with no kids stay busy with volunteering and fostering so that may be an option. To be honest, if the IVF didn't work I wasn't committed to going through another round at 40 y.o. and was OK with the idea of moving on... last bit of unsolicited advice, get counseling if your insurance covers it. You will need a safe place to vent. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| I have gone through too many IVFs to count and am considering a "one last try" cycle out of town. DH and I have had numerous discussions about alternatives and can't seem to agree on what we should do. If we can't get on the same page, then we have decided we will go childless. While I never thought that would be a consideration for me, I am totally at peace with it for some reason, as it means neither of us have to accept an alternative that we don't want. I also agree with PP about counseling. DH and I are seeing someone who deal with IF issues and the person has helped us tremendously. I am not sure I would be where I am with the childless option had I not been working these issues actively with a therapist. |
Anonymous
| The funny thing is that I know a few people who gave up and once they did....bam they had a baby. I know another couple that took about 4 years with many fertility interventions who had a baby and then when they weren't looking or trying got pregnant with their second when their other child was only one. Stress must be a factor in this whole fertility thing. But then again I'm not doctor, just an observation. Maybe that can give you a little hope. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I hope I am not out of line in posting this, but I want to share a story about my aunt, who married at 40 and was never able to have children. Both of her sisters (my mom and another aunt) died young of cancer. As a result, this aunt became a surrogate mother to me, as a young adult, and she and her husband became surrogate grandparents to my children. In part because they didn't have children of their own, my aunt and uncle were able to help my cousin (son of the other aunt who died young) overcome drug and alcohol addiction and paid his way through college, where he was class valedictorian. In many ways I was closer to this aunt than to my own mother. I nursed her through her own final stages of cancer a few years ago. When she was dying, she said that maybe God had had a plan in not giving her children, because she never would have been there for me and my cousin in the same way otherwise. She was also a second grade school teacher, retired many years, and I was amazed at how many former students/parents she heard from during her illness. She said that she could never have been as good a teacher if she had been a mother at the same time.
I can't imagine the disappointment and frustration you all are experiencing, but I just wanted to share a story of someone who was able to open her heart to others and ended up living a very rich life and touching many souls. Good luck to all of you! |
Anonymous
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21:35 this is a beautiful story and my DH has a very similar one (although his mother is not technically dead) His childless aunt is more of a mother and grandmother to our family than I could have ever asked for. In fact my DH asked her to dance with him at our wedding instead of the woman that gave birth to him.
While these stories might seem out of line I hope you see from them you can still be a very instrumental part in raising a child. |
Anonymous
puke - hate these stories... After a few failed IVF cycles we definitely considered living childfree - didn't have the emotional energy for adoption or other alternative paths towards parenthood. But we did pull out all of the stops for one final cycle (top RE in NYC, etc.). I do know a lot of other couples who have chosen alternate paths (adoption, surrogacy, donor egg/sperm, etc.) and that has worked out really well for them. And I know a handful of couple who are childfree and have found peace. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. |
Anonymous
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23:35 again - If you do have the emotional/financial resources, I'd recommend giving IVF at least a couple tries - part of it is a numbers game. It'll depend on your age/diagnosis, but it's probably < 50% chance of success for any one cycle.
And it's good to think through your options & long-term plans, but for me it really helped to just take things one day at a time. Again, good luck. |
Anonymous
| To the 23:35 poster... just curious to know if that last cycle with a top RE in NYC worked for you. Couldn't tell from your posts if you are actually living childless now or whether the last cycle worked. |
Anonymous
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23:35 again - we did get lucky & that cycle worked for us.
OP, if you want more resources the PC term is "childfree" (instead of childless) - there was a board on IVF Connections that I used a bit. I'm sure there are more resources/message boards out there if you want to connect with other people considering the same option. |
Anonymous
Are you infertile? I once was, and in all sincerity, stories like this bother a lot of infertiles. Everybody knows somebody who... As for stress, the cycle I got pregnant was my most hellacious IVF cycle ever. In fact, I had written it off. Long term infertility is stressful, but there are people who have success despite being crazy stressed/hormonal (from all those damn meds)/at wit's end. To make it sound like people just need to sit back and relax is really infuriating to people who have been chasing a dream, in many cases, for years. RESOLVE has an excellent post on infertility etiquette that resonates with a lot of infertiles: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html And to the OP, we had a set number of cycles after which we planned to take some time to grieve. My inclination was to live child free, and pursue some passions made harder with children. I feel for you -years of setbacks and disappointments take their toll. But I think some of the stories of people who have had the love of someone who is childless are beautiful, and speak to the many possibilities life has to offer. If you are not seeing a therapist, I also agree with other posters. It can be helpful for talking through your emotions and reframing your life, whether or not you ultimately become a parent. |
Anonymous
| I second the recommendation to go on IVFConnections. Their IVF Veterans board has a lot of discussions of these issues. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide. |
Anonymous
| Childfree is not a "PC" term, it's a fairly politicized term adopted by people who don't have children by choice. I agree that "childless" implies a lack and is not positive, but I caution you about adopting "childfree" without understanding the context; I would not count on having a lot in common with many of the people who use that term if you have gone through many years of IF and have struggled to gain acceptance about not having children. There can be a lot of hostility toward parents and children (particularly in public spaces) in that group of folks, and it might not sit well with you if children are something you value and believed were going to be part of your life. |