Winning spouse back after infidelity

[Anonymous]

If you and your spouse have bounced back from an affair, what did the process look like? How long did it take to get to a good place? How did you win them back?

[Anonymous]

Ugh wondering the same. We had a few good months right after but then he decided he’d rather enjoy the single life than do the hard work of rebuilding trust. Basically our interactions got more negative than positive and he ran. So now we’re at extremely low contact and only talk about kid or house stuff but it is all friendly and positive.

[Anonymous]

I think that's the wrong question.

I was always a good spouse. Due to stresses from having young children and me having a chronic illness, and because my husband is conflict avoidant and never learned good communication skills, he had an affair. But I was me, a solid person who was doing the best in our marriage based on the information I had. Yeah, he got himself attached to the OW, but that was his problem, not mine. I didn't sign up to be part of a love triangle, so once I knew there was one, I made moves to exit swiftly. Of course, predictably, that made my spouse realize what he was losing and adios the OW. He wanted to go to counseling, buy a vacation home, renew our vows, etc.

For my part, I'm a decent human and I did my best to work through the trauma of betrayal and see if we could have a chance of reconciling. That's what I was before, during, and after the affair, trying to be a good human and spouse. That didn't change, and I certainly didn't put on a show to win the doofus who was dumb enough to risk our marriage back. He was supposed to be committed to me all along . . . trying to convince him to do/be what he was supposed to already do/be was not in my job description. If that's what he was looking for, he was free to leave.

Have good self-esteem and good boundaries. If there's still love between you and you think you have a shot at reconciliation, then you can give some time to see.

As for when we got back to a good place, again, I kind of think we always were. I'm the kind of person who is going to be grounded and grateful no matter what is going on in my life. Yes, acute trauma is no joke, and for the like two weeks when he was trickle truthing me, we weren't in a good place. But after that, it was slow and steady progress.

Your spouse should be grateful for a second chance. If they need to be wooed and won back after cheating on you, then maybe "he's just not that into you" applies.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you the cheater? The answers are going to be all over the map based on which people are assuming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, were you the cheater? The answers are going to be all over the map based on which people are assuming.

That's a good point. For some reason I assumed OP was not the cheater, but now I see there's no evidence either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh wondering the same. We had a few good months right after but then he decided he’d rather enjoy the single life than do the hard work of rebuilding trust. Basically our interactions got more negative than positive and he ran. So now we’re at extremely low contact and only talk about kid or house stuff but it is all friendly and positive.

Sorry but…him leaving was not about doing the hard work, he was just not into you anymore. I mean, he cheated and that was the first sign.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DW had an affair for over a year. We have two kids and I don't want to blow their lives up. I also love DW. I'm trying hard to not just divorce in a knee jerk reaction. I need to hear how this has gone for others. How did you get through it? What did your spouse do to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DW had an affair for over a year. We have two kids and I don't want to blow their lives up. I also love DW. I'm trying hard to not just divorce in a knee jerk reaction. I need to hear how this has gone for others. How did you get through it? What did your spouse do to help?

Does she want to reconcile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the wrong question.

I was always a good spouse. Due to stresses from having young children and me having a chronic illness, and because my husband is conflict avoidant and never learned good communication skills, he had an affair. But I was me, a solid person who was doing the best in our marriage based on the information I had. Yeah, he got himself attached to the OW, but that was his problem, not mine. I didn't sign up to be part of a love triangle, so once I knew there was one, I made moves to exit swiftly. Of course, predictably, that made my spouse realize what he was losing and adios the OW. He wanted to go to counseling, buy a vacation home, renew our vows, etc.

For my part, I'm a decent human and I did my best to work through the trauma of betrayal and see if we could have a chance of reconciling. That's what I was before, during, and after the affair, trying to be a good human and spouse. That didn't change, and I certainly didn't put on a show to win the doofus who was dumb enough to risk our marriage back. He was supposed to be committed to me all along . . . trying to convince him to do/be what he was supposed to already do/be was not in my job description. If that's what he was looking for, he was free to leave.

Have good self-esteem and good boundaries. If there's still love between you and you think you have a shot at reconciliation, then you can give some time to see.

As for when we got back to a good place, again, I kind of think we always were. I'm the kind of person who is going to be grounded and grateful no matter what is going on in my life. Yes, acute trauma is no joke, and for the like two weeks when he was trickle truthing me, we weren't in a good place. But after that, it was slow and steady progress.

Your spouse should be grateful for a second chance. If they need to be wooed and won back after cheating on you, then maybe "he's just not that into you" applies.

Yep! This is how you hans cheater if you decide to stay. Please don’t beg, cry etc…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the wrong question.

I was always a good spouse. Due to stresses from having young children and me having a chronic illness, and because my husband is conflict avoidant and never learned good communication skills, he had an affair. But I was me, a solid person who was doing the best in our marriage based on the information I had. Yeah, he got himself attached to the OW, but that was his problem, not mine. I didn't sign up to be part of a love triangle, so once I knew there was one, I made moves to exit swiftly. Of course, predictably, that made my spouse realize what he was losing and adios the OW. He wanted to go to counseling, buy a vacation home, renew our vows, etc.

For my part, I'm a decent human and I did my best to work through the trauma of betrayal and see if we could have a chance of reconciling. That's what I was before, during, and after the affair, trying to be a good human and spouse. That didn't change, and I certainly didn't put on a show to win the doofus who was dumb enough to risk our marriage back. He was supposed to be committed to me all along . . . trying to convince him to do/be what he was supposed to already do/be was not in my job description. If that's what he was looking for, he was free to leave.

Have good self-esteem and good boundaries. If there's still love between you and you think you have a shot at reconciliation, then you can give some time to see.

As for when we got back to a good place, again, I kind of think we always were. I'm the kind of person who is going to be grounded and grateful no matter what is going on in my life. Yes, acute trauma is no joke, and for the like two weeks when he was trickle truthing me, we weren't in a good place. But after that, it was slow and steady progress.

Your spouse should be grateful for a second chance. If they need to be wooed and won back after cheating on you, then maybe "he's just not that into you" applies.

I literally looked at the date on this reply to see if I wrote it. I came to say this exact same response word for word. Absolutely identical for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DW had an affair for over a year. We have two kids and I don't want to blow their lives up. I also love DW. I'm trying hard to not just divorce in a knee jerk reaction. I need to hear how this has gone for others. How did you get through it? What did your spouse do to help?

Does she want to reconcile?

Yes, otherwise I would not be considering it.

[Anonymous]

Uh the question is what is SHE fundamentally changing about herself and her poor communication, poor coping skills, ability to compartmentalize, lie, and cheat etc to EARN an OPPORTUNITY to attempt reconciliation with you.

[Anonymous]

Two things have to happen:
The spouse who cheated has to fully acknowledge how awful and damaging their actions were. They have to truly see the pain it caused their partner.

And they have to be an open book. They can’t get pissy because spouse asks where they’re going or wants passwords to all email accounts or insists that you’re available on Find My Friends.

[Anonymous]

Yeah the betrayed spouse doesn’t have any work to do to “win back” a cheater. The cheater can try to convince the betrayed spouse that they are willing to go to therapy to figure out their crap, willing to go to marriage counseling, and willing to hand over all the passwords to their phone and emails and everything else the betrayed spouse needs to rebuild trust and accountability.

All this, IF the betrayed spouse even wants to bother working on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

The cheater needs to be doing the winning back. The victim shouldn’t be doing anything but assessing whether the cheater is truly putting in the work to change.