Reply to Winning spouse back after infidelity

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[quote=Anonymous]I think that's the wrong question.

I was always a good spouse. Due to stresses from having young children and me having a chronic illness, and because my husband is conflict avoidant and never learned good communication skills, he had an affair. But I was me, a solid person who was doing the best in our marriage based on the information I had. Yeah, he got himself attached to the OW, but that was his problem, not mine. I didn't sign up to be part of a love triangle, so once I knew there was one, I made moves to exit swiftly. Of course, predictably, that made my spouse realize what he was losing and adios the OW. He wanted to go to counseling, buy a vacation home, renew our vows, etc.

For my part, I'm a decent human and I did my best to work through the trauma of betrayal and see if we could have a chance of reconciling. That's what I was before, during, and after the affair, trying to be a good human and spouse. That didn't change, and I certainly didn't put on a show to win the doofus who was dumb enough to risk our marriage back. He was supposed to be committed to me all along . . . trying to convince him to do/be what he was supposed to already do/be was not in my job description. If that's what he was looking for, he was free to leave.

Have good self-esteem and good boundaries. If there's still love between you and you think you have a shot at reconciliation, then you can give some time to see.

As for when we got back to a good place, again, I kind of think we always were. I'm the kind of person who is going to be grounded and grateful no matter what is going on in my life. Yes, acute trauma is no joke, and for the like two weeks when he was trickle truthing me, we weren't in a good place. But after that, it was slow and steady progress.

Your spouse should be grateful for a second chance. If they need to be wooed and won back after cheating on you, then maybe "he's just not that into you" applies. [/quote]

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