How to move forward- my mind wants to heal but my heart isn’t there

[Anonymous]

Not related to an affair, fwiw
Dh said something cruel to me and I’m having a hard time moving past it. It’s not an isolated incident. I told him I need space. We are essentially living as roommates and coparents for the moment.

A part of me (the part that longs to get back to “normal”) wants to say “hurt people hurt other people. Sit down with him, see where the hurt was coming from. Do the work to repair. Look at the bigger picture and not this one moment.”

A bigger part of me says: no. I feel devastated and disrespected. Don’t just brush this off because you want to zoom past the discomfort. Stop brushing aside your feelings. I am hurt.

Not sure if I’m jsut venting or looking for answers. Curious if anyone has experience or advice on how to balance navigate the duality. I want to
Figure things out. But I also feel like I’d be lying to myself to just move forward.

[Anonymous]

Did he acknowledge or explain his behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he acknowledge or explain his behavior?

And importantly, if you discussed it with him, do you think he's capable of acknowledging the hurt he caused, and addressing why he chose to strike at something I'm guessing he probably knew was a vulnerability.

My DH isn't. We would just wind up talking about him and his feelings and thoughts. He'd seek to blame me somehow for what he did, and we'd argue about that. It's just more pain to discuss it with him. It's better for me to work through it on my own or with a therapist

I am aware of what this says about my relationship, but it's realism. I learned this with my parents as well. If someone is closed off to the idea that the should be accountable for hurting you, someone they ostensibly love, no amount of conversation will change that. It has to come from within them.

[Anonymous]

OP I can relate. Grappling with the same situation myself. I’ve pretty much given up on the relationship, I can’t fix somebody else.

[Anonymous]

19:11 here again. And like the PP, if I try to discuss things with him, it will turn into his monologue about all my faults. And it’s always a new fault, btw. I never know what will trigger him.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like some part of you is subconsciously trying to protect yourself from him. That's no way to live. You're barely existing right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can relate. Grappling with the same situation myself. I’ve pretty much given up on the relationship, I can’t fix somebody else.

Same here. Dealing with an high-functioning autistic who will never, ever, understand his role in making our lives difficult.
The problem is I can't afford to divorce. Otherwise I would have, long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not related to an affair, fwiw
Dh said something cruel to me and I’m having a hard time moving past it. It’s not an isolated incident. I told him I need space. We are essentially living as roommates and coparents for the moment.

A part of me (the part that longs to get back to “normal”) wants to say “hurt people hurt other people. Sit down with him, see where the hurt was coming from. Do the work to repair. Look at the bigger picture and not this one moment.”

A bigger part of me says: no. I feel devastated and disrespected. Don’t just brush this off because you want to zoom past the discomfort. Stop brushing aside your feelings. I am hurt.

Not sure if I’m jsut venting or looking for answers. Curious if anyone has experience or advice on how to balance navigate the duality. I want to
Figure things out. But I also feel like I’d be lying to myself to just move forward.

Read You are the One You’ve Been Waiting For

Might give you tips on healing yourself outside of the relationship, as well as insight into why he said it. Ultimately you aren’t being served by taking his pain personally OR by relying on him to get the love you need for your hurt parts.

[Anonymous]

It's much better to be free of abuse renting a basement than in a single family home in shame and fear. Is this how you really want to spend your limited time on earth?