Is it bad to cry in front of your kid during the divorce process?

[Anonymous]

Trying to hold it together, but prone to randomly crying at unexpected times, like when I see an elderly couple holding hands.

We haven't told DC yet. Are in counseling, so not trying to overshare before we know for sure that a divorce is happening. Assume the best approach is to sit down together to calmly share a plan and reassure DC.

However. I am really struggling to rein in the tears. How did you hold it together in front of your kids when your marriage was falling apart?

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? 4 year old and 10 year old are very different. If the kid doesn’t know yet that you are divorcing, then yes, it’s harder to explain and the child might think it’s something they did or imagine a reason, or figure out don’t cry. It really depends how often you cry / when and your overall moods.

If the child knew, they you can be honest about it, that you are sad.

[Anonymous]

Children are 5 and 8.

[Anonymous]

Pull it together OP. You have to take it until you make it. I had a visceral reaction to married people for about a year after my split. Internally of course. You’ll get past this point but try to tamp it down if you can.

[Anonymous]

*fake it until you make it.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents cried in front of me when they were divorcing. Age-wise I was in between your children and though I don’t dwell on it as an adult, I can still remember how deeply upsetting it was as my world felt unstable.
Of course, as an adult I can fully appreciate how awful it must have been for them.

[Anonymous]

At those ages, I'd say try not to cry in front of them, especially since you haven't told them what's going on. It might scare or unsettle them to see you crying for no apparent reason. They might think you're crying because of something they did. You have to pull it together and stay strong for them.

I say this as someone who witnessed her own mother crying during the divorce. I was 5. I had no idea why my mom was crying and I felt like I had to take care of her because something was clearly wrong. She never spoke about it, so I thought it was something I did. I won't say it traumatized me, but I very clearly remember that moment 40 years later.

This isn't to say that parents can never cry in front of their kids. I've cried in front of my own kids on occasion and I happen to think there's some benefit in kids seeing their parents get upset--provided that the parents are taking the time to explain what's going on and model how to handle it. My mother died a while ago and every so often I still get teary about it. Or I'll read a book or watch a movie and cry a little. When my kids ask what's wrong, I just tell them I'm feeling sad because I miss my mom, or that the movie made me sad. It's all normal, we feel our feelings, but we have to keep living.

[Anonymous]

It's okay to cry in front of your kids. I've cried at the sight of old people toddling down the street holding hands and I'm happily married. You can just say "I'm crying because it's beautiful to see them and think of how many decades they've loved each other and stuck with each other even when things were hard." Kids can understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to cry in front of your kids. I've cried at the sight of old people toddling down the street holding hands and I'm happily married. You can just say "I'm crying because it's beautiful to see them and think of how many decades they've loved each other and stuck with each other even when things were hard." Kids can understand that.

Op, annnndd your response made me cry. I'm a mess.

Thanks for the verbiage. That helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to hold it together, but prone to randomly crying at unexpected times, like when I see an elderly couple holding hands.

We haven't told DC yet. Are in counseling, so not trying to overshare before we know for sure that a divorce is happening. Assume the best approach is to sit down together to calmly share a plan and reassure DC.

However. I am really struggling to rein in the tears. How did you hold it together in front of your kids when your marriage was falling apart?

Yes. It’s bad.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's bad at all, as long as it's not performative crying to manipulate your kid into being your therapist or support system. It's okay for kids to see you experience and handle sadness. And since it is likely that your kid will also be sad about the split, I think it is helpful to be open about how you are feeling too. So many parents gaslight kids about their upset over divorce. For many kids, it would be validating and comforting to know their parent is also suffering and to get some emotion coaching about how to handle sadness and grief.

[Anonymous]

I think most parents cry in front of the kids during divorce. At least the women. In a way, you would also be modeling how it's OK for them to express their feelings and emotions. I cried when my parents told me they were getting a divorce, even though I had been wishing they would for several years.

[Anonymous]

Geez. I can’t wait to be divorced. Who are all of you people crying??

[Anonymous]

My exh cried when we told the kids. Oldest was 9 and I swear it make it much more traumatic.