How to muddle through something you hate and no end in sight?

[Anonymous]

In this instance, it's an activity kid has chosen. The specifics of why I hate it are not important. The issue is, I'm stuck with this for the next few years. I slap the smile on. I do all asked of me (volunteer-wise, donations, etc.) I make the small talk. When really I hate it, and hate how my kid is treated. It gives me horrible anxiety and is making me miserable. This sort of "go along to get along" is just against my nature. If I don't like something, I deal with it or remove myself. But I don't want anything to reflect negatively on my kid. I try not let my opinions/views be known to kid (beyond very high level).

How do you cope with something like this? I need some strategies. I've literally never been in this situation before. Like I said, for me, I can handle this sort of thing in the way I need to for me. But this isn't for or about me.

[Anonymous]

"Hey spouse. I need you to take Larla to the Dance Moms set this week. I'm not able to"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hey spouse. I need you to take Larla to the Dance Moms set this week. I'm not able to"

This. Though if they aren't treating your child well I'd see if there an a different group they could join.

[Anonymous]

You’re going to have to tell us the activity so we can commiserate.

The answer is that you focus on why your kid enjoys it and find one part of it that you sincerely enjoy. For my kids’ various activities that aren’t my favorite, that includes:

-chatting with other parents who I love at one activity
-bring outside in good weather at another
-watching older kids do really awesome stuff
-good snacks at events for one of the activities
-indoor padded seating at a certain winter activity
-the camaraderie of the girls’ team at one of the activities

Now the “hate how my kid is treated thing”- that is a BIG problem. Let’s shelve everything else because I think that’s what you should be telling us about. Is it by coaches? Student leaders? Fellow activity participants?

[Anonymous]

I have something like this and I'll tell what mine is. Can't stand anything about it.

My spouse knows how I feel and he handles. I don't pull the card often and it works out fine. I carry my weight in plenty of other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to have to tell us the activity so we can commiserate.

The answer is that you focus on why your kid enjoys it and find one part of it that you sincerely enjoy. For my kids’ various activities that aren’t my favorite, that includes:

-chatting with other parents who I love at one activity
-bring outside in good weather at another
-watching older kids do really awesome stuff
-good snacks at events for one of the activities
-indoor padded seating at a certain winter activity
-the camaraderie of the girls’ team at one of the activities

Now the “hate how my kid is treated thing”- that is a BIG problem. Let’s shelve everything else because I think that’s what you should be telling us about. Is it by coaches? Student leaders? Fellow activity participants?

I can't give too many specifics.

A sport. Nepotism (parent coaches, for eg). Cliques (if you're not "in" with the family members of the coaches, you're just not treated that well.) Coaches way too involved in the players' personal lives (BF/GF stuff, it's known who the coaches don't "like", etc.) SUPER competitive people who are, quite frankly, just rude in their communications and personality.

Kid absolutely does not want to quit. Senses the problems but, thankfully is unknowing on SOME level, but def feels the hurt of long term friends choosing the "in" folks. Kid recognizes it can lead somewhere else and is trying to use it for that (Kid is talented and being recruited).

I know this doesn't sound horrible but I'm purposely leaving a lot out.

DH already doing a lot of the "face time" lately. But it's starting to raise questions b/c of how involved I had been at the beginning and trying to get things off on a good footing (the one coach I already knew -from prior parents of the team- was going to be . . . . interesting so was hoping to make as nice as I can. And I'm finding I can no longer do this.) Having backed way off b/c I'm not sure how good I can continue being at hiding my feelings, I'm getting the "where have you been?", "I didn't see you at XXXX" . . . . Or they're asking DH. I'm trying to figure out how to be present/involved in healthy ways and just ride this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re going to have to tell us the activity so we can commiserate.

The answer is that you focus on why your kid enjoys it and find one part of it that you sincerely enjoy. For my kids’ various activities that aren’t my favorite, that includes:

-chatting with other parents who I love at one activity
-bring outside in good weather at another
-watching older kids do really awesome stuff
-good snacks at events for one of the activities
-indoor padded seating at a certain winter activity
-the camaraderie of the girls’ team at one of the activities

Now the “hate how my kid is treated thing”- that is a BIG problem. Let’s shelve everything else because I think that’s what you should be telling us about. Is it by coaches? Student leaders? Fellow activity participants?

I can't give too many specifics.

A sport. Nepotism (parent coaches, for eg). Cliques (if you're not "in" with the family members of the coaches, you're just not treated that well.) Coaches way too involved in the players' personal lives (BF/GF stuff, it's known who the coaches don't "like", etc.) SUPER competitive people who are, quite frankly, just rude in their communications and personality.

Kid absolutely does not want to quit. Senses the problems but, thankfully is unknowing on SOME level, but def feels the hurt of long term friends choosing the "in" folks. Kid recognizes it can lead somewhere else and is trying to use it for that (Kid is talented and being recruited).

I know this doesn't sound horrible but I'm purposely leaving a lot out.

DH already doing a lot of the "face time" lately. But it's starting to raise questions b/c of how involved I had been at the beginning and trying to get things off on a good footing (the one coach I already knew -from prior parents of the team- was going to be . . . . interesting so was hoping to make as nice as I can. And I'm finding I can no longer do this.) Having backed way off b/c I'm not sure how good I can continue being at hiding my feelings, I'm getting the "where have you been?", "I didn't see you at XXXX" . . . . Or they're asking DH. I'm trying to figure out how to be present/involved in healthy ways and just ride this out.

Don’t worry about the questions. If you have other children, say I was busy with Larlo. I have taken on more work. DH and I divide conquer- so he has this activity more right now……. Then ask them a question about their recent trip to…… what they are doing for Thanksgiving……
How about those Orioles…..

[Anonymous]

My answer changes if it’s a boys or girls sport. Boys’ sport + nepo coaches= I would basically never be there without a book and headphones. And if I wasn’t there DH would tell everyone that I got a work promotion and was slammed.

Girls’ sport + nepo coaches= I’d find 1-2 parent friend/allies and visibly be with them a lot so that everyone was aware I wasn’t a lone wolf and couldn’t pick me off as the weakling. in other words, play it like it’s middle school lunch. I would also bend over backwards trying to find another club, which I know isn’t always a workable answer. My DD does an intense insane sport and girls change clubs even while recruiting. It’s always supposedly shocking because “no one changes clubs”, and yet they do, every year.

The feeling of being outside the clique as an athlete is one to examine closely. Sometimes you can love a sport but its entire culture is a bad fit for you. We experienced that with another child with lacrosse and realized that if he encountered the same culture and types of people in 1st grade, 5th grade, 9th grade, etc., and he didn’t mesh with them, it was not going to get better in high school or college. I know other families that pulled out of hockey and competitive dance for this reason.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a particularly crappy boys Little League team. I agree with PP - deflect deflect deflect. Oh I’ve been so busy at work, just swamped. Oh we’ve been doing work on the house, nothing major but you know how king painting and power-washing can take! Anyway, what do you think about insert local football team here this year? Or go the opposite direction and drone on boringly about your job until people stop approaching you LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My answer changes if it’s a boys or girls sport. Boys’ sport + nepo coaches= I would basically never be there without a book and headphones. And if I wasn’t there DH would tell everyone that I got a work promotion and was slammed.

Girls’ sport + nepo coaches= I’d find 1-2 parent friend/allies and visibly be with them a lot so that everyone was aware I wasn’t a lone wolf and couldn’t pick me off as the weakling. in other words, play it like it’s middle school lunch. I would also bend over backwards trying to find another club, which I know isn’t always a workable answer. My DD does an intense insane sport and girls change clubs even while recruiting. It’s always supposedly shocking because “no one changes clubs”, and yet they do, every year.

The feeling of being outside the clique as an athlete is one to examine closely. Sometimes you can love a sport but its entire culture is a bad fit for you. We experienced that with another child with lacrosse and realized that if he encountered the same culture and types of people in 1st grade, 5th grade, 9th grade, etc., and he didn’t mesh with them, it was not going to get better in high school or college. I know other families that pulled out of hockey and competitive dance for this reason.

This is not the case for kid. Club (esp every other year when the makeup of the team doesn't include certain kids who play up) and the showcase/clinic scene has been great. It's some of the Club and the HS team, which have a LOT of crossover with players and coaches.

[Anonymous]

Do we really need another “marriage” thread?

[Anonymous]

I stare at my phone, take calls or pretend to be taking calls and don't talk to anyone. Sometimes I use the time to go out to my car and clean it or clean out my purse.

[Anonymous]

Just keep up your slow fade and let your DH Z handle it. In retrospect, this is probably how my parents felt about figure skating when in was growing up. I loved it but my dad was definitely the primary skating parent because my mom hated having to go and be interrogated by the other moms in a weird competitive way about what I was working on and I think the club drama really stressed her out. My dad and I were largely oblivious to the drama and the moms assumed he knew nothing (which was actually not true — he was the one who got all the minutia of my training) so they talked to him about normal things and I just focused on the things I liked and largely ignored the passive aggressive efforts of the other girls to make me feel terrible/develop an eating disorder. I think the biggest problem is that you originally set the expectation you were going to be highly involved and manage the drama and have since realized you just can’t handle it (which is valid! I would never want to be stuck in that situation!). I think just slowly decreasing how much you’re helping with this sport vs DH is the way to go, politely turning off questions until their expectations reset.

[Anonymous]

Pay someone to do it for you.

[Anonymous]

Umm… why not just tell DC they can’t do it any more? The amount this generation bends over backwards for kids is astounding and unhealthy. (And yes I have kids of similar-sounding age). Live your life the way you want to live it and your kids can tag along and when old enough find their own things to do independently. They will be better off for it, not worse.