Possible to keep loving feeling in longterm relationships?

[Anonymous]

In my first serious relationship post-divorce. It’s not a rebound - I did date others and now found someone I love. It has been under 1 year and we have not yet moved in together or have plans to wed.

After a bad marriage for over a decade, I’m skeptical that a good relationship can last longterm. By all accounts my new partner is fundamentally more like me and we are both older and more mature than I was in my first marriage. But the stats on second marriages are so bad… and I’m just worried that this nice situation we have doesn’t exist longterm.

If you have advice or can prove my doubts wrong, please do!

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s possible, be easy. Take it day by day, in times of conflict hold grace for him and yourself, do the work to understand yourself and your issues knowing there are no guarantees in life.

[Anonymous]

Is s/he also divorced? How does s/he speak about prior relationship(s) and why they failed?

I dated a divorced guy once, and another guy who had been long term committed and then the relationship failed. Both had children which was my primary attraction because I was childless and wanted to be a stepmom. Over time it became apparent that both men blamed the ex for everything that went wrong and had little insight if any to their own shortcomings and that they had room for improvement.

That’s my red flag. You can have a million things in common with somebody - values, lifestyle, etc. - but if they are not insightful about their own junk, they aren’t good relationship material and never will be, at least not for a mature person who wants a mature relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’m also divorced and in serious relationship, going on five years together. Some of the early excitement is not as prominent but we are still going strong. We both had such bad marriages that we’re continually thankful to have found each other. We’re both aware of what we each did wrong in previous marriages and work really hard to do things differently this time around.

[Anonymous]

Divorced and remarried (spouse was also divorced). Going strong for 10 years now - we both had learned a lot from our respective first marriages. We talked a lot about what we wanted for this marriage to be the strongest we could have - and we've both worked at it.

I can honestly say I'm more attracted to my DH now than when I met him 10+ years ago. Yes, getting older is a factor for us both, and while there is still room to go to lose the COVID weight (and bad habits), we both actively try to stay physically attractive to each other. The emotional connection is stronger than ever too.

[Anonymous]

Divorced and remarried. Have been with my second spouse for 17 years (married for 15). We have our ups and downs, of course, but we are still madly in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my first serious relationship post-divorce. It’s not a rebound - I did date others and now found someone I love. It has been under 1 year and we have not yet moved in together or have plans to wed.

After a bad marriage for over a decade, I’m skeptical that a good relationship can last longterm. By all accounts my new partner is fundamentally more like me and we are both older and more mature than I was in my first marriage. But the stats on second marriages are so bad… and I’m just worried that this nice situation we have doesn’t exist longterm.

If you have advice or can prove my doubts wrong, please do!

Odds are low but it's possible. However, being fundamentally similar is no guarantee, it may make it even more difficult.

[Anonymous]

I think age matters, ones in early 40's are more likely to stray, in late 50's not so much.

[Anonymous]

I think the stats are very misleading. With first marriages, you have the following three scenarios:

1. marriage works out
2. marriage breaks up because one or both people lack integrity or skills (hard to fix)
3. marriage breaks up due to circumstances (bad match, grew apart, particularly trying difficulties, etc.)


(The fourth scenario is that the marriage breaks up because one spouse dies but I think the percentage is so small that it is statistically insignificant.)

For second marriages, by definition, you have only groups 2 and 3.

Most in group 2 will divorce again. Most in group 3 will make it, but some will not. Since group 1 is not available by definition, the population is smaller and the percentage of marriages that end in divorce is obviously going to be higher. If you are in group 3, you probably have similar odds as people on their first marriage.

This is all very rough and I don’t have a way of knowing how big these groups are compared to each other, but I hope this logic makes sense.

[Anonymous]

If your general question is “can people have long term, loving marriages”. - of course, the answer is “yes”, many people stay in love for long periods of time and never divorce.

If you are asking whether a second marriage will work out — sure, some do. But you have to really consider additional factors if there are kids from the prior marriage, etc.