Elders resistance to outside help

[Anonymous]

There are so many posts on here about elderly people at home who resist paid helpers—While accepting help from their worn-out family members.
What do you think are the sources of the resistance? Because I personally would **love** to have somebody paid come to my house to do stuff.

Here are the elder concerns as I see them:

1. Fear of stuff being touched, stolen, rearranged
2. Outsiders knowing they are vulnerable leading to robberies or murder or whatever they imagine from watching TV
3. “Waste of money,” leading to running out of money when they “really” need care
4. Acceptance of help requires admitting need of help and denial reliance will not allow that!
5. Dislike of any change to home situation/life just on principle—holding the line
6. Discomfort/racism with people who they see as “foreign” in any way
7. Feeling that pay is too high since their idea of hourly pay is circa 1975
8. Embarrassment about clutter/state of house if strangers saw it
9. Not seeing their “problems” as problems, just not caring about their awful nutrition or lack of bathing, etc
10. I can’t think of a number 10 but there must be one.

[Anonymous]

You’ve definitely thought it through with all those reasons. With my MIL it is that due to her memory problems and dementia, every time she loses something she simply can’t remember where she put it so she assumes that someone stole it. She lives alone but still keeps things in locked cabinets. Bringing in anyone from the outside would immediately give her someone to pin everything on.

[Anonymous]

Also if they’re private people.

[Anonymous]

In the case of most elderly people I know, it's number 4. They don't want to admit how much help they need. Asking a relative for a "favor" is completely different (in their mind) than having to hire someone to come in regularly.

[Anonymous]

Stubborn people only get more stubborn as they age, OP.

[Anonymous]

My dad feels much more at ease with someone he had a chance to develop a relationship with. I try to bring in “my friends” to help him when possible.
Also he thinks that he doesn’t need help because he is active enough, but his problems are with the general ability to organize his life (regular showering, washing clothes, going to bed on time, using hearing aids and taking medications). It’s like he is active and generally sane but he doesn’t realize he lives in relative squalor (not hoarding luckily).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad feels much more at ease with someone he had a chance to develop a relationship with. I try to bring in “my friends” to help him when possible.
Also he thinks that he doesn’t need help because he is active enough, but his problems are with the general ability to organize his life (regular showering, washing clothes, going to bed on time, using hearing aids and taking medications). It’s like he is active and generally sane but he doesn’t realize he lives in relative squalor (not hoarding luckily).

So yeah it’s probably number 9 in his case
I am moving him closer to me and trying to get him IHSS hours but meanwhile I have to just put up with it

[Anonymous]

For my mother, an excuse is that her adult children should do everything for her because she did everything for us when we were actual children.

I arranged for a maid to come to my mom's house once a week with her permission . at the very first visit, My mom told the cleaner, "it is my fault I didn't raise her right to want do the cleaning for me."

"Want" is a huge issue for her. She thinks we should actually want to take her to 10 doctors appointments a month. Not that we should see it as any sort of inconvenience, but we should actually be wanting and desiring to do this.

So add, narcissist controller, to your list

[Anonymous]

#3 and #5 cover my parents!

[Anonymous]

For my parents, it's mostly #4 and some #3.

They don't think they need help or assisted living 'yet'. Dad has advanced stage Parkinsons and Mom broke her hip last year when he fell on her. We are so far past 'yet'...but Mom thinks help means she's 'not capable'. Also there is denial of how advanced Dad's condition is.

Every time I am with them at a new dr (I cannot go to every visit but I try especially if it's parkinsons related or a new dr) they get asked if they have home health help. Just last week Mom told the Dr 'yes, my daughter' I said in alarm,' I work full time and commute 2 hrs a day!' Yes, I see them daily, but it's after work for a limited time-they are on their own all day. Note to self-mention that everytime, because Mom tells them otherwise.

As far as #3, that is a legit concern for many. It's hard to navigate the system to get help that they may be eligible for. I was able to enroll my dad in the VA (he has a service related disability rating) but I had told my folks for years to do that-I finally had to just do it myself now that I have POA. But they're not actually using any home care benefits because they refuse.

I love my parents so much and am so grateful they are still with us but this has literally been the most stressful experience of my life. Like constant worry.

[Anonymous]

With my grandma it was 3 and 7 - the money ones. She grew up dirt poor and ended up life middle class, and could not bear selling her home to pay for help. My mom visited her every single day and took her to all the appointments, but only had a part time job. I know it was tough on my mom and she told me after it was all over to not do that when her time came - put her in a home. My mom’s pretty cool.