Anything I can do legally if my children are left money with an abusive relative as trustee

[Anonymous]

My mother is determined to force a relationship between me and my sister and force my kids to be close with her. My mother has informed me that due to my boundaries and (refusal to get sucked into chaos anymore), she will be leaving me out of any inheritance and my kids and sister will inherit with my sister in charge of the money my kids inherit through a trust. My mother has lived in denial as my sister has been accused of creepy behavior with a cousin's child (and I have also distanced due to inappropriate boundaries with my kids and many other things). My kids want nothing to do with her and are afraid of her. Sister is currently making her ex-husband's life a living hell (and mom is upset I am not more supportive). He got custody of their child and so mom is now excluding that grandchild from her will which is typical of her with manipulating and playing favorites. Sister is currently suing a neighbor and her workplace where she was fired. Many of her friendships end when the person reaches her limits with favor requests or doesn't want to hear the drama anymore. There is no substance abuse that I know of, but there is a lot of untreated mental health stuff including entitlement, grandiosity, mild paranoia. (yes I have posted about this before, but not the new situation where I am disinherited and my kids will be forced to interact with her).

Is there anything I can do to make sure my sister has no power over my children accessing that money when they are adults? She is absolutely the type to try to manipulate them and create obstacles to force them to see her and pretend to be close. Also, is there anything I can do to ensure boundaries are put on when they get money? Mom won't allow me to discuss or ask questions. I certainly hope they cannot access it all at say 21 or even 18, though I am not allowed to ask how much "it all" even is.

So is there anything I can do legally to protect them from my sister and also make sure they only get access to enough money in their early 20s for things like grad school, living expenses and then as they get older and wiser things loosen? I also want to make sure as 18 year olds they don't have access to some large sum of money.

[Anonymous]

No you cannot control what other people do with their own money/money they control or with other fellow adults. All you can do is raise your kids right.

[Anonymous]

You children can petition for a new trustee.

[Anonymous]

Your vindictive mother could disinherit your children if you challenge her decision. She might do that anyway, especially if your sister influences your mother to leave it all to her. My suggestion is to assume your children will get nothing and plan your financial lives accordingly. BTDT and it is what is keeping me strong and mentally healthy now that my parent passed and me and my children completely disinherited in favor of my sibling. It still is emotionally devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You children can petition for a new trustee.

Is it a whole legal battle or easy to do. I read there are trustee services. I assume it would be easiest to petition to just have one of those services manage it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You children can petition for a new trustee.

Is it a whole legal battle or easy to do. I read there are trustee services. I assume it would be easiest to petition to just have one of those services manage it?

It’s certainly not automatic.

[Anonymous]

Mentally, the best thing you can do is to just assume you all have been disinherited and don't rely on that money in any way. Sucks, but that's sometimes the reality with these narcissistic family members. Remember, it is mom's money and if she wanted to, she could just give it all to your sister now, incur the tax liability, and never let you see a dime.

You can of course speak to an estate attorney about grounds for challenging the selection of the trustee. That's probably a really difficult road, and I imagine you'd need some proof of criminality or serious mental health issues, not just that she is abusive or you don't get along (I'm not diminishing you there, but you'd probably need more in court). And likely you will not even be able to do that until your mother dies at which point you learn the terms of the trust.

[Anonymous]

If you have enough money, just hire a lawyer and let them deal with it. They can make sure your sister is abiding by the terms of the trust and handle the communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your vindictive mother could disinherit your children if you challenge her decision. She might do that anyway, especially if your sister influences your mother to leave it all to her. My suggestion is to assume your children will get nothing and plan your financial lives accordingly. BTDT and it is what is keeping me strong and mentally healthy now that my parent passed and me and my children completely disinherited in favor of my sibling. It still is emotionally devastating.

I figured we would do it after she passes away, but to be honest I am not sure it would be so terrible is she disinherited. I would be thrilled to have say college paid for, help with their first homes, money to pay medical bills if there is every a serious issue, but we also are planning for that already. My concern besides having someone disturbing managing the money is also with them getting too much too soon and not learning the joy that comes with earning your money and saving and budgeting for a trip and really having a strong sense of self-efficacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mentally, the best thing you can do is to just assume you all have been disinherited and don't rely on that money in any way. Sucks, but that's sometimes the reality with these narcissistic family members. Remember, it is mom's money and if she wanted to, she could just give it all to your sister now, incur the tax liability, and never let you see a dime.

You can of course speak to an estate attorney about grounds for challenging the selection of the trustee. That's probably a really difficult road, and I imagine you'd need some proof of criminality or serious mental health issues, not just that she is abusive or you don't get along (I'm not diminishing you there, but you'd probably need more in court). And likely you will not even be able to do that until your mother dies at which point you learn the terms of the trust.

Yes, that is what I was afraid of. It would be too difficult to prove all these things. I hate that we would have to spend money hiring a lawyer just to communicate with my sister so the kids don't have to and that person could ensure she follows the rules as well. Leave it to my mother to create stress and frustration as a legacy.

That said, you are right, we certainly won't stop funding things like 529s because she changes her mind enough it could happen many more times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your vindictive mother could disinherit your children if you challenge her decision. She might do that anyway, especially if your sister influences your mother to leave it all to her. My suggestion is to assume your children will get nothing and plan your financial lives accordingly. BTDT and it is what is keeping me strong and mentally healthy now that my parent passed and me and my children completely disinherited in favor of my sibling. It still is emotionally devastating.

I figured we would do it after she passes away, but to be honest I am not sure it would be so terrible is she disinherited. I would be thrilled to have say college paid for, help with their first homes, money to pay medical bills if there is every a serious issue, but we also are planning for that already. My concern besides having someone disturbing managing the money is also with them getting too much too soon and not learning the joy that comes with earning your money and saving and budgeting for a trip and really having a strong sense of self-efficacy.

I would not waste my mental and emotional energy on these what-ifs, OP. See what happens when the time comes. The fact that your sister is closer to her and they have formed a gang of two against you does not bode well for your children receiving anything. I'm sorry. It is a difficult, heartbreaking situation to be in.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have a problem. You have a concern about a contingent event. If/when the problem materializes get a lawyer and have the trustee replaced. In the meantime go live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have enough money, just hire a lawyer and let them deal with it. They can make sure your sister is abiding by the terms of the trust and handle the communication.

This she can’t make them see her. But you’ll need to hire a lawyer on your kids’ behalf to see the document.

[Anonymous]

Why are you spending time thinking about this? Here are the only conditions in which I’d be even thinking about this, let alone taking time to post about it:

—My mother is in hospice, AND
—My kids are all older than age 16, AND
—My mother’s estate will be in the millions.

Are any of these things true at this moment? If not, go about your life. Stop wallowing in this.

[Anonymous]

Just assume you won’t get anything and just be relieved you have distanced yourself from the craziness

Also, I have found that people like this live a really long time so as to maximise the misery they inflict on others.