I can't handle my kid with SN

[Anonymous]

Have a young child who is clearly on the spectrum or ADHD, but too young for a neuropsyche at this time. I am not cut out for this - the emotional outbursts, dysregulation, full blown tantrums in public inappropriate for their age, stimming behaviors, extreme lack of focus, etc. It has made me depressed, I'm constantly cursing under my breath, and I no longer have a sense of happiness when I'm in my home. I'm anxious for the next blow-up or meltdown. My spouse is much more patient, but I'm really not handling it well. The only time I'm at ease is when I go to work.

Is there someone I can speak with or resources to read to get a handle on this? Kid is getting therapies in school and from a private practice. But I need better tools to cope with this. None of our friends are dealing with this (either childless or have easy-going kids), so they are not a good sounding board.

I literally cannot imagine dealing with this for the rest of my life. It depresses the hell out of me to know that I will be dealing with a teenager with these issues.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard. Some parents make their SN DC their hobby, some dissociate, check out, and/or divorce. Some focus on their own lives through work, social or hobbies. What do you like to do? In a perfect world with the time, money, and energy, what would you do? In the real world with constraints, how can you make it happen, to whatever extent?

[Anonymous]

How are they getting therapies if no neuropsyche diagnosis yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are they getting therapies if no neuropsyche diagnosis yet?

Obviously through early evaluation or cpse. They diagnosis need for services from the standpoint of capability to access the school curriculum. They do not diagnose disorders.

OP, how old is your child? You’re never too young for a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric neurologist. There are resources they may recommend including parent child training. You are not alone. It’s very hard. Do you have a therapist for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are they getting therapies if no neuropsyche diagnosis yet?

Obviously through early evaluation or cpse. They diagnosis need for services from the standpoint of capability to access the school curriculum. They do not diagnose disorders.

OP, how old is your child? You’re never too young for a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric neurologist. There are resources they may recommend including parent child training. You are not alone. It’s very hard. Do you have a therapist for yourself?

No, and this is specifically why I wrote this thread. Are there types of therapists who specialize in helping parents develop the tools and strategies to adjust to SN kids?

TBH, going to a childless therapist in their mid-30s with no experience/specialization in these issues doesn't seem very helpful. Telling me to "have more patience" will make me want to chuck my iPad out the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard. Some parents make their SN DC their hobby, some dissociate, check out, and/or divorce. Some focus on their own lives through work, social or hobbies. What do you like to do? In a perfect world with the time, money, and energy, what would you do? In the real world with constraints, how can you make it happen, to whatever extent?

OP here - in the ideal world, my kid would be able to integrate in my hobbies and things I find joyful. I've had to mostly toss all of those aside to deal with the kid when we are not at work. For example, I have not worked out in the gym in over a year. I'm not getting up at 5am when I already sleep like sh#t to work out. My kid won't play with toys or keep themselves occupied while I work out; they need constant stimulation when awake.

We have cut basically all screen time, as that was leading to more tantrums and dysregulation. Kid can't handle screens responsibly.

[Anonymous]

You need a support person. Someone that you can safely tell your concerns to. This might be a therapist. I always think of it like the safety talk on a plane. You need to put your own oxygen mask before you can help others. You need to take care of yourself so that you can help your child. The right therapist should be able to help you find ways to stay calm and find ways to look for the positive. You need this. It is not a "want".

As time goes on you may find friendships with other parents who can relate and support you. I finally found this when my SN son was in middle school. I go out to dinner with another mom every week while our sons are in an activity. We vent to each other. Sometimes we can help each other figure out solutions to our problems. But we are there for each other so we don't feel like we are alone and that makes me be able to handle the issues. Even our DH have noticed the difference of our stress levels if we miss a week. Dinner out is cheaper then an hour of therapy but either one is money well spent if it helps you love your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are they getting therapies if no neuropsyche diagnosis yet?

Obviously through early evaluation or cpse. They diagnosis need for services from the standpoint of capability to access the school curriculum. They do not diagnose disorders.

OP, how old is your child? You’re never too young for a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric neurologist. There are resources they may recommend including parent child training. You are not alone. It’s very hard. Do you have a therapist for yourself?

No, and this is specifically why I wrote this thread. Are there types of therapists who specialize in helping parents develop the tools and strategies to adjust to SN kids?

TBH, going to a childless therapist in their mid-30s with no experience/specialization in these issues doesn't seem very helpful. Telling me to "have more patience" will make me want to chuck my iPad out the window.

Yes there are therapists that specialize in helping parents of SN kids. Sometimes the provider that diagnosed your child will be able to give you a list of providers. If not do a search for "therapists for parents of special needs" If you can't find a local therapist you might be able to find one that does telehealth meetings.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. SN kids are hard. We love them- but it’s hard. My therapist is at Better Together Family therapy. They are located in Kensington but they do telehealth. It has been very helpful in dealing with all the emotions (both my child’s and mine) and helping address self care and marriage help. Big hugs OP.

[Anonymous]

Another resource is Dan Shapiro’s Parent Child Journey. He has an online class that teaches helpful skills, but even more importantly connects you with other parents going through the same issues. Additionally, he has weekly support group meetings that are free. Even if you don’t ask a question, it can be helpful to listen to other people to feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Op, hugs. It’s so hard. I found that it was necessary for me to compartmentalize. I have other kids and it was simply essential when they were young. My kid with SN has imlroved immensely but still isn’t mainstreamed and won’t go to college or live independently. But we have a life that is happy and fun often now he is 11. I’ve posted about this before but I think my saving graces were having other kids and honestly, trauma fatigue. I was so miserable and anxious for so long that I simply couldn’t do that anymore and live and I choose to live. We have resources which helps. You need respite. It’s not a want. It’s a need. Get ahold of any and all resources to make that happen. Nanny if you can afford it. A full time one. An au pair too. Get a shi$ ton of help. Get therapies going many times a week. Get classes scheduled. There are SN sports, yoga classes, martial arts, horseback riding. Schedule it all, go, or have someone take him. We kept our SN kid chock a block busy.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids with special needs that were diagnosed almost 4 years ago and although better I still struggle to come to terms that this is my life. One of them may not be able to live independently as an adult so it feels like it will never end.

I have a demanding job but make time to carve out self care like getting mani-pedi, have a therapist who is versed in special needs facilities, started Wellbutrin which was a big help. A huge help was finding other special needs moms who understand what you’re going through. I outsourced what I could like cleaning, organizing, etc to not burn myself out. I minimize what extra I do like volunteer for school, etc..

Pace yourself because this journey is topsy turvy and taking just an hour at a time. My mom told me you can only do your best and whatever happens even if the outcome is not good that’s it. You are your own entity separate from motherhood. It’s hard to remember that when you’re knee deep in this journey and finding therapies, etc..

[Anonymous]

Sorry meant families not facilities

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 5. I suspect he is autistic and has ADHD, but is high functioning and very smart so his teachers can’t tell. His behavior at home was horrible and has just started getting better now that we’re homeschooling. I think he masked all day at preschool and was just so stressed out from it that he went crazy by the time he got home.

I joined a bunch of autism and ADHD and sensory processing disorder groups and read all the suggested books I could find. I feel like the most useful things I’ve learned are to just say ok when he doesn’t want to do something that isn’t honestly all that important, avoiding meltdowns before they start (so figuring out triggers), and to try to decrease the yelling I do/watch what I say.

The Explosive Child was one of the more helpful books. I took notes on all the books I read, so that I can remember helpful tidbits. I think also remembering that kids do well when they can and that your SN kid isn’t trying to be a monster helps. Also remembering that traditional parenting techniques just don’t work with a lot of Autistic kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another resource is Dan Shapiro’s Parent Child Journey. He has an online class that teaches helpful skills, but even more importantly connects you with other parents going through the same issues. Additionally, he has weekly support group meetings that are free. Even if you don’t ask a question, it can be helpful to listen to other people to feel less alone.

this, a thousand times.