DS’s best friends parents are unresponsive

[Anonymous]

Ds just turned 9 and is going into 4th grade. He’s a good kid, not rambunctious or rude and is into sports, reading and writing and comic books as well as games like Roblox. Last year in 3rd he befriended a boy, I’ll call him David, and they’ve become very close friends. This was ds’s first close boy friendship because he started at this school in first grade in 2020 (so covid homeschool) and in 2nd grade he mostly bonded with the girls in his class (he has older sisters). During the school year our babysitter would usually arrange play dates with his nanny, but they were almost always last minute if ds and David happened to be free after school they would hang out for an hour or so. I did reach out to David’s parents a few times to try to arrange weekend play dates and either got no reply or a vague “that sounds great!” And then nothing further.

David did come to ds’s early birthday party at the end of the school year but they never rsvp’d and I only knew he was coming because David told me when I saw him at school pickup.

All summer when ds has been free and had screen time he and David have been face timing, playing games together and chatting. David is constantly talking about getting together with ds; I’ve asked DS to ask David to have his parents get in touch with me, I also sent them an email about a month ago about getting the boys together for a play date the week before school starts (this week for us), I got another vague reply, “sounds great!” and then nothing when I followed up again with date/time options.

I emailed Tuesday again to see if they could do something and got no reply. Ds and David keep FaceTiming and David is having playdates with other classmates so I guess his parents respond to other people? We live nearby and I’ve offered to host or bring ds to them. The only times I’ve interacted with David’s parents was at David’s bday party last fall where they were hosting and when I went to pick ds up they were having a big adult party at the same time (not with other parents) and were drunk and/or high (I don’t care what people do with their leisure time except they they had a bunch of kids at their house pretty much unsupervised). They otherwise showed up late to most school events (I only know because David would come up to me at every one and ask me to call his mom to make sure she is coming), and didn’t really interact with others.

How would you handle this? I’ve spoke with ds about how we can’t control other people or their responses and he should consider David a school friend and not plan to see him much outside of school, but when he hears about David seeing other kids he is disappointed. Thanks for reading this essay - I know it’s long but I thought there were a fair amount of important details…

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing to handle. They are under no obligation to respond to anything that you send them, nor are they under any obligation to set up play dates just because your son wants them.

[Anonymous]

Way too wordy, OP. Salient points can be expressed more effectively.

These parents don't care, OP. They have different views on parenting. So accept that. Also, if you really want a playdate with this David, you should call them on the phone, and say "can I pick up David from school tomorrow at 3pm with Larlo, so they can play at my house?" And then they can just text yes and pick up from your house at 6pm instead. If they find it a chore to think about their kid, then find ways to make it easy for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing to handle. They are under no obligation to respond to anything that you send them, nor are they under any obligation to set up play dates just because your son wants them.

Their son wants them too, at least that’s what he says whenever I hear them speaking.

[Anonymous]

Good lord OP, talk about burying the lede.

They are space cadets. Maybe the other kids David plays with are the kids of his parents' friends, like family friends. Either way, you don't control that.

Sounds like your son and David have a great and sustaining friendship anyway. I would stop extending invitations, but there's nothing wrong with continuing to do so if you want. Just understand you can't control the outcome, and make peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Can the babysitter still make plans with the nanny?

I'd back off on other plans, their non-response to you, for whatever reason, is clear and consistent. Pushing harder has not worked, no need to think it will now. I'd back off at this point.

I think what you told your son, that he is a school friend, is correct.

Help your boy branch out and make some friends who are more available. Maybe sign him up for rec sports, Sunday school, Scouts, etc so he has non-school friends too.

[Anonymous]

At their kid's birthday party, his parents had a simultaneous party for adults where they were getting high? I think that tells you all you need to know about what kind of people these are and how you've been wasting your time trying to arrange anything. I wouldn't want my child around them or at their home. At this point I would stop trying and just tell your son that David is a school friend. I feel sorry for David, though, and for your son. Help your son find other friends or activities to expand his social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing to handle. They are under no obligation to respond to anything that you send them, nor are they under any obligation to set up play dates just because your son wants them.

Their son wants them too, at least that’s what he says whenever I hear them speaking.

Well, then he can ask his parents. And for all you know, he already has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the babysitter still make plans with the nanny?

I'd back off on other plans, their non-response to you, for whatever reason, is clear and consistent. Pushing harder has not worked, no need to think it will now. I'd back off at this point.

I think what you told your son, that he is a school friend, is correct.

Help your boy branch out and make some friends who are more available. Maybe sign him up for rec sports, Sunday school, Scouts, etc so he has non-school friends too.

I’m trying with the branching out - we’re doing basketball (but David does it too!) and trying to set up some other activities with other kids. We are having a new babysitter starting today (our last one moved into a different type of work but is still a beloved part of our family) but I’ll try to get her to befriend David’s nanny. The nanny is nice but definitely seems like the type who only makes plans with other babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At their kid's birthday party, his parents had a simultaneous party for adults where they were getting high? I think that tells you all you need to know about what kind of people these are and how you've been wasting your time trying to arrange anything. I wouldn't want my child around them or at their home. At this point I would stop trying and just tell your son that David is a school friend. I feel sorry for David, though, and for your son. Help your son find other friends or activities to expand his social circle.

Yeah… I told ds after that he isn’t allowed to have sleepovers at David’s house and I’ve only let him go over there when the nanny is there (she seems like the runs the show during the week). I feel sorry for David too, I have heard him asking his parents if he can do various things (including play with my son) and they are really dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can the babysitter still make plans with the nanny?

I'd back off on other plans, their non-response to you, for whatever reason, is clear and consistent. Pushing harder has not worked, no need to think it will now. I'd back off at this point.

I think what you told your son, that he is a school friend, is correct.

Help your boy branch out and make some friends who are more available. Maybe sign him up for rec sports, Sunday school, Scouts, etc so he has non-school friends too.

I’m trying with the branching out - we’re doing basketball (but David does it too!) and trying to set up some other activities with other kids. We are having a new babysitter starting today (our last one moved into a different type of work but is still a beloved part of our family) but I’ll try to get her to befriend David’s nanny. The nanny is nice but definitely seems like the type who only makes plans with other babysitters.

You can also befriend and plan things with David's nanny. A lot of time nannies are easier than parents.

I would let contact with the parents go. You've gotten all the answers from their behavior. You may not like the answers, but you've gotten them.

[Anonymous]

As a former Nanny I think you should coordinate with the Nanny. If you had asked the parents of my kids for a play date during my time they would have asked me to reach out to you. Or suggested you coordinate through me.
Another idea is when the kids are FaceTiming, tell David to go get parent so you can ask about playdate, do it over FaceTime if need be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At their kid's birthday party, his parents had a simultaneous party for adults where they were getting high? I think that tells you all you need to know about what kind of people these are and how you've been wasting your time trying to arrange anything. I wouldn't want my child around them or at their home. At this point I would stop trying and just tell your son that David is a school friend. I feel sorry for David, though, and for your son. Help your son find other friends or activities to expand his social circle.

Yeah… I told ds after that he isn’t allowed to have sleepovers at David’s house and I’ve only let him go over there when the nanny is there (she seems like the runs the show during the week). I feel sorry for David too, I have heard him asking his parents if he can do various things (including play with my son) and they are really dismissive.

They have a nanny? Then arrange playdates with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former Nanny I think you should coordinate with the Nanny. If you had asked the parents of my kids for a play date during my time they would have asked me to reach out to you. Or suggested you coordinate through me.
Another idea is when the kids are FaceTiming, tell David to go get parent so you can ask about playdate, do it over FaceTime if need be.

They might actually think you are planning with the nanny. When they reply "sounds great!" They might think the nanny's taking care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a former Nanny I think you should coordinate with the Nanny. If you had asked the parents of my kids for a play date during my time they would have asked me to reach out to you. Or suggested you coordinate through me.
Another idea is when the kids are FaceTiming, tell David to go get parent so you can ask about playdate, do it over FaceTime if need be.

They might actually think you are planning with the nanny. When they reply "sounds great!" They might think the nanny's taking care of it.

Other kids' parents might be coordinating with the nanny.