Spouse who never takes my side

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have a spouse who never takes their side? Can you relate to me? I feel like I'm all alone here and it's frustrating the hell out of me. It would be one thing if she was playing devil's advocate once in a while but the woman takes the opposite side in every story I tell her. I told her about being bullied and she took their sides, my friends corroborated my story and she found it funny.

Fast forward to lately and I've been going through some stuff at work. Employee vs employee stuff (using a cs message boards for work). Luckily the firm backs me. But I told her about it and she's like, well why did you do it. My response is because it's a party of my job. It's research. Stackoverflow and reddit and quora are a wealth of information now. Companies realize that, so the complaint went nowhere, but she immediately sided against me.

Same with another complaint where they asked me opinion, I gave it, they told me I'm wrong they did as they wished. As they wished went horribly wrong, and then they tried to blame me. She sides with them.

I just wish I knew what it felt like to hear words like "aah, it'll be ok". And leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? You seem to love playing the victim at work and home.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it’s unusual to have multiple complaints levied against you at work, so she’s probably a little freaked out and trying to get you to see the urgency of addressing the situation.

I have a DH who never takes my side, but it’s about literally everything. I could say it’s raining out and it could literally be sheets of rain outside and he’d said I was wrong. That’s what I thought this post would be about and that’s a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? You seem to love playing the victim at work and home.

My thought as well.

[Anonymous]

Wait, she laughed at you when you told her about past bullying? On the work stuff, stackoverflow is of course an important part of any computer sci job, and yeah sometimes people try to blame you for thier failures, but you shouldn't even be sharing that info with your wife unless she works in comp sci too.

But this laughing at you for being bullied, is a red flag. I wouldn't trust someone after something like that.

[Anonymous]

She sounds immature. How long have you known her. How long have you been married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it’s unusual to have multiple complaints levied against you at work, so she’s probably a little freaked out and trying to get you to see the urgency of addressing the situation.

I have a DH who never takes my side, but it’s about literally everything. I could say it’s raining out and it could literally be sheets of rain outside and he’d said I was wrong. That’s what I thought this post would be about and that’s a different situation.

Same here. DH has parents who never took him seriously and mostly brushed him off, along with siblings who piled it on, all void of empathy, so that does not help. Everything is about him and them, and people pleasing them. It is exhausting. We plan a vacation once in a blue moon (once every 5-10 years, if we are lucky), and they have to be involved or approve, somehow. It is messed up. ODD is prevalent throughout. Not sure you gave great examples, OP. Does your spouse have ODD, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds immature. How long have you known her. How long have you been married?

+1
She doesn't know what it is to have a truly cohesive (not people pleasing) family, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’d dump her, OP. She’s not supportive, and most of the women on DCUM would see things differently if it were a woman complaining here about not getting the “emotional support” they need from their partner.

It’s one thing for a spouse to offer a competing perspective so you might gain insight. But that’s not what she’s about. She’s irritated that you have any needs or problems of your own, so she tries to shut you down by taking the opposite side. All she wants from you is a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

I am this spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am this spouse.

Tell us more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am this spouse.

Can you explain why you do it? Genuinely curious. IS it important to you to disagree, to feel you have a voice?

[Anonymous]

I think having people immediately "play devil's advocate" whenever you try to talk to them about some difficulty you are having is a toxic trait. I think there are lots of reasons people do this, but the overwhelming message is "I don't buy your description of your own life, and also I default to assuming you caused any problem." It's just a really bad impulse in any relationship (parent-child, marriage, friendship, even many work relationships). It shows a lack of trust and will result in less trust in the long run.

If you can't at least BEGIN a conversation with your spouse or other loved one with the assumption that they are accurately describing the situation, then you have serious empathy issues that need to be addressed. It's not tenable.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I have been through it and the only thing that worked was just very clearly pointing out the dynamic and why it was hurtful, and not accepting it. Like if she can't approach conversations with you by giving you the benefit of the doubt at least to begin, then I would not confide in her until she can.

[Anonymous]

Time to split up. Your spouse should be supportive. Otherwise, why spend your one life with that person?

[Anonymous]

This is more than just a contrarian spouse. If she laughed at you about being bullied, she may someday become your new bully.