Child hasn't come out yet

[Anonymous]

We monitor her phone (she knows, etc.) and I am 99% she identifies as gay. She hasn't told us yet. In another post,

I was accused of being homophobic and a poster blamed me for not having open communications and child thinking it wasn't safe since she hadn't come out yet. *This is the post where I asked about how sleepovers should work, after being pretty sure one person was more than a friend, & because our older, straight kid wouldn't be allowed to have opposite gender friends overnight.

I may be fooling myself but we are VERY open and verbal in our house (have been for a long time) about this issue and I think we have very open dialog. It's a little like being while and saying, "I have black friends," but gay rights are actually an issue we feel pretty strongly about in our family.

So there's something wrong with me for the fact kid hasn't come out? Am I really terrible and I don't know it? Totally homophobic? (And yes, I am feeling a bit ruffled and sad b/c I think it's not true but hey, I Also want to know the truth because of it I do have some sort of completely-hidden-to-me le homophobia that is the LAST thing I want my kid to feel...)

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you're obsessed, OP.

This is something your child needs to figure out, and they need to do this on their own time. Maybe it will take 10 years, 20 years, maybe it will be tomorrow.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're obsessed, OP.

This is something your child needs to figure out, and they need to do this on their own time. Maybe it will take 10 years, 20 years, maybe it will be tomorrow.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

That was my point -- is there reall something so wrong with me that my kid hasn't told me, as other posters on the other post have said?

[Anonymous]

And maybe it will be NEVER, because your child is actually straight and is just trying something on because she's a teen, and it's normal.

Really, OP, calm down about this.

[Anonymous]

No, there's nothing wrong with you. As PP said, it's not about you. Your DD will come out soon, or later, or not at all. I know it's tough to be patient, but you got this.

[Anonymous]

I'm straight but as a teenager I had zero interest in talking about sex with my parents. They thought I wasn't interested in girls for a very long time after I definitely was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're obsessed, OP.

This is something your child needs to figure out, and they need to do this on their own time. Maybe it will take 10 years, 20 years, maybe it will be tomorrow.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

That was my point -- is there reall something so wrong with me that my kid hasn't told me, as other posters on the other post have said?

I didn't read that thread, but if they really said that, they're jerks. No, it's not about you. Back away. Let your child live the life of a child. Do not burden her and yourself with possibly unreasonable expectations.

Seriously, enjoy this childhood. My son just left for his first year of college. I miss him. Your child will leave too. Please be happy with the years you have left with your child.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it might have something to do with this hyper vigilant monitoring of the phone.

Also, a fair amount of this identity stuff is play acting and performative for peers, especially girls. So consider that.

[Anonymous]

Also, if she knows you're monitoring her phone, well, maybe she assumes she doesn't have to have a difficult conversation with you (difficult because no teen wants to talk about this with their parents).

But none of it matters anyway. What will be will be. Just live your lives.

[Anonymous]

Actual queer person here. You’re probably fine, OP. Almost everyone I know in the queer community came out to their parents later than their friends and often way later than they knew themselves. It’s not a judgement on the parents so much as a sign of how important the parental relationship is. Coming out is hard and scary, especially to people whose opinions you care about even if you’re so totally sure they’ll be accepting. For teens there’s the added layer omg I don’t want to talk about anything even remotely sex adjacent with my *parents*. What you might consider is start using gender neutral terms when you talk about her future/dating rules. That creates a space where she can come out without like assigning a conversation to actually coming out if you know what I mean?

Also she might not be gay; she might just be a late bloomer or bi or ace or anything other perfectly normally straight and sometimes it takes kids longer to figure out for themselves what they are if it’s not 100% straight or 100% gay.

[Anonymous]

My best friends son did not come out until he was 22 years old and my friend goes to pride parades, etc. so it’s not like he didn’t know he could tell her. People come out when they’re ready. Not when you want them to.

[Anonymous]

Just talk to them. How is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

For the record, I never thought you were homophobic. It seemed to me that you were trying to treat this situation exactly the same as a straight co-ed sleepover. Not wanting your straight daughter to spend the night with a guy wouldn't mean that you think your daughter wants to sleep with every boy, or can't have male friends, or wants to commit incest with male siblings, which were all the things that responses were saying you thought about your daughter.

But honestly OP, you don't know if she's gay! Or she might not even know! I actually almost wonder if you are too much in the other direction, as in you are so supportive of LGBT that you are reading into her friendships with girls too much. It is a tough situation because you wouldn't want her having sleepovers if those friends are her love interests, except you don't actually know if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

My gay daughter just had a sleepover with 2 of her female best friends. I'm glad they don't exclude her because she's gay. She has lost friends over this. Her previous best friend had a mom who was uncomfortable with being in a room together. Her cousin is no longer allowed to interact with her because my sister is very Christian.

A lot of people will treat your daughter like a predator. I hope you don't become one of those people.

[Anonymous]

My sister didn't want it to be a "thing". I knew and her friends knew. No one asked questions or made it a big deal. She knew when she told our parents they would be accepting (they were) but also make it into a big deal. And they did. My mom.bought pride things. My dad talked about his lesbian daughter because he thought it made him sound progressive. They were accepting and loving but just had no chill.