2.5 year old son who only wants daddy

[Anonymous]

I'm at my wits' end. My 2.5 year old always wants daddy. He cries when I pick him up from daycare because I'm not dad. When he's going out with dad, it's a cheerful "Bye, Mom!" but if I try to take him somewhere, he cries that he wants to stay with dad. Given the choice to do anything with my dear husband or me, it's always dad.

We've tried the constructive ways to handle it (find something special that mom does, tell him that no, mommy's putting him to bed tonight, try to be more fun, etc.), but nothing has worked. My dear husband feels badly and wants to help, but neither of us have any idea what to do. This has been happening since he could talk, so I'm not hopeful it's a phase.

I'm officially hurt, angry and ready to lose it. I'm so frustrated, and so tired of being second choice. Whatever happened to that thing people say over and over about how little boys always want mommy? How is it every other mom I talk to marvels that they have the exact opposite problem where their kids only want mom? What did I miss in mommy training?

Any insight to get control of my rapidly shredding sanity appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Embrace it and count yourself among the lucky. My girl is a daddy's girl through and through. She will pick daddy over me every time. I am also a daddy's girl so I have never taken offense to her preference and do EVERYTHING I can to promote it. I love my mom, but my dad and I are and always have been a better fit. We get each other. And frankly this is even more evident now that I am an adult. My dad and I have similar all consuming careers so we have a lot to talk about even now.

My daughter is in elementary school now and they are their own mutual adoration society and they have been since day one. And that gives me a load of freedom that members of the mommy cult don't have. I have a few things that I do with my daughter that I know she really enjoys. Honestly, I play it up to my husband who just eats it up. I make special plans for the two of them and then I go out for dinner with my friends. I never have a problem or get any push back from my husband or kid when I need a breather and want to go for coffee with a friend or to the gym, etc. I am saner as a result. I am a few years more into this than you are and I can tell you on the other side of the fox hole years it is nice, really nice, to be able to leave for an hour or six and not have any whining resentment from my kid or my husband. There are maybe 2 other moms that I am friends with that can take time for themselves without any difficulty. Those that can't really set themselves up over the course of years by working hard to be the center of their kids' universe. Once you are on that track it is hard to change it. And now many of my friends literally cannot go to the bathroom with elementary school aged children without their husbands complaining about having to do something for the children in her absence. I am really beginning to lose some friendships over this issue because my friends can't get any free childless time and I am really not interested in spending my free time with their kids. Your son loves you just fine. Stop trying to change the way things are and just do what you do with him. He will gripe. Let it roll over you. Our only rule is that there is no disrespect allowed and we have not had a problem with that since the toddler preschool years.

Seriously, my next plan is to tell my husband that she won't wear clothes unless he does the laundry.

[Anonymous]

My DD was like that from 1 to 2. Then, at 2.5 we had our second baby and I made a concerted effort to have more quality time with my first. Voila! Now I'd say she really doesn't have a preference, but when she does, who she prefers is 50/50. And I, like you, never thought it would end. My DD used to cry when I wanted to go to the park with them and tell me to stay home. So, I wouldn't discount the fact that it could be a phase, albeit a long one. I'd just keep doing what you are doing. Believe me, I know it can be heart-breaking. I'm embarassed to admit, I even used to take it out on my DH and it caused more than 1 fight. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

It's very common around 3.5 but I haven't heard about it this young. Maybe your son will switch around 3.5 and be all about Mommy. But I agree with a PP and say embrace it for now, and try to back off a bit (I KNOW it's hard). He might be a super-smart little guy and be playing the two of you against each other a bit...just because he can. Remove yourself from the equation and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

yeah, don't sweat it! this will likely change soon. wait it out, and in the meantime, enjoy the freedom!! read a magazine, get your nails done, drink some wine!

[Anonymous]

My kids are 2 and 3 and I have noticed whoever plays with them in the evening they get attached to - for example, last week I was sick so daddy had play with them in the evenings therefore they got attached to him and wanted him only (almost like an attitude with me). Then yesterday we spent the entire day together and we did all the favorite things they liked to do and at night they did not want to have anything to do with daddy and even came in my room last night whining that they wanted to sleep with me.
They are like cats, who ever feeds and plays with them they want.

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same problem and am feeling a little hurt also. I think it goes it stages. This time last year, when my son was a couple months shy of 2, he only wanted Daddy. Screamed bloody murder if I were to hold him, put him to bed, feed him, etc. Also screamed when Daddy was holding the new baby. Then, after a couple of months, it evened out and he liked both of us just fine.

Now, it's starting all over again (the same exact timing as last year). But, now that he is more verbal, he is a little more obnoxious about his preference. Like, last night, I had my husband put our 10 month old down to sleep (I don't want to have either kid prefer one parent to the other) and I would put our son down. He just kept saying Daddy over and over again. When I went to kiss him, he just pulled away and said "NOOOO." It definately hurts, that's for sure.

But, just when I think he really doesn't like me, he will run over and give me a big kiss and hug. I think also that Daddy is sometimes "sillier" and does the roughhousing and that makes him more attractive at times. I find when I am down on the floor tickling him and wrestling him, he becomes more affectionate. Who knows, I am just hoping this is another phase!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yeah, don't sweat it! this will likely change soon. wait it out, and in the meantime, enjoy the freedom!! read a magazine, get your nails done, drink some wine!

PP is right -- enjoy your precious window of freedom. Remember, no kid cries out "daddy" at 3 a.m.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy it. And don't make a big deal. At some level I think they do it b/c it gets attention. My son went through a dad phase then switched back to a mommy phase. He is pretty balanced now. My two year old DD is always been a mommy's girl, and I really wish she'd hit the daddy phase.

[Anonymous]

My daughter's also 2.5, and she's in the same stage except that she has a strong preference for me right now. If I'm not around, she's happy to be with DH. But if I'm anywhere in the vicinity, it's all about me.

FWIW, it seems like a control thing to us -- she's in a stage where she likes bossing us around and getting us to play by her rules. We go with it to the extent we can, but we draw the line when we must. Frequent lines in our house include, "You get who you get. Sometimes it's Mommy. Sometimes it's Daddy. Tonight it's Daddy's turn." (Cue the crying . . . . )

I wish I could say I was thrilled and flattered by it, but it's exhausting and I feel like I never get a break. Plus DH is feels left out and hurt sometimes, too. We try to remind ourselves it's just a phase. No doubt there will come a time where she's all about Daddy and I'm the one on the outs. Ahhh . . . I can see the alone time now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yeah, don't sweat it! this will likely change soon. wait it out, and in the meantime, enjoy the freedom!! read a magazine, get your nails done, drink some wine!

PP is right -- enjoy your precious window of freedom. Remember, no kid cries out "daddy" at 3 a.m.

Isn't that funny... So true.

Mine wants daddy 80% of the time. What really gets me is when she wails for daddy especially when I'm saying "no" to something, or punishing her. It's as if in her 2-year-old brain, she knows exactly how to make me feel like a shit.

But it's true that it's always mama when there's a nightmare or an owie.

[Anonymous]

Color me jealous. I wish DS would prefer daddy over mom more often. Right now it's about 90% mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yeah, don't sweat it! this will likely change soon. wait it out, and in the meantime, enjoy the freedom!! read a magazine, get your nails done, drink some wine!

PP is right -- enjoy your precious window of freedom. Remember, no kid cries out "daddy" at 3 a.m.

I am a SAHM. My DS definitely calls out for daddy in the middle of the night. I think sometimes they just miss their dads. But, I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt my feelings since I am the one that feeds him, plays with him, and generally keeps his life organized!

[Anonymous]

I know it is hard not to take it personally. Just be happy that your child has a daddy. I'm a single mom and daddy doesn't want anything to do with his son. I'd kill for one day off. Pick a day where your DH is working, playing golf or otherwise not around. Then ask your son what he wants to do and go do it. Have fun!

[Anonymous]

Other way around at our house and I am EXHAUSTED. Expecting 3rd baby soon so I expect nothing but a weepfest for a couple of months. Oh, and I have TWO all-mama-all-the-time kids. There is one of me. They don't care and will fight for me.