I miss having close friends

[Anonymous]

I am 33 and a SAHM to two kids. I like staying home, that isn't the issue, I think the issue is the isolation plus the stage in life (I guess?).

I belong to a Moms Club and do their things, and I also get toegther pretty regularly with the moms of some of my son's classmates (from preschool) and they are awesome ladies -- I really like 2-3 of them a lot, though all are nice and we get along fine. I have like 8 or so decent acquaintances, and I can call them and ask to meet me at a park with the kids, or they come over and we all hang out. Conversation is always nice, and we laugh and generally have a nice visit. But no one close, and I really miss that. It's been YEARS since I have had one of those.

I have a close-ish friend who lives about 4 hours way but she has a small child too, and our lives are busy so we don't get to talk much. I miss having someone I can call when I've had a tough day or am worried about something and we can chat for a bit. Despite the socialization I do (mostly with and occasionaly without kids) I still feel lonely. My husband works really long hours and I rarely see him during the week at all.

I don't even know what I am asking. I guess sometimes I think people have their own lives or enough friends (or whatever) and we just stay casual. Which to a degree is fine because it's better than nothing. At the same time, I miss having someone to call when Im on the verge of tears or have awesome news or anything. I guess this turned into a vent of sorts, sorry.

Anyone have any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Silly question but do you have a sister/s? What about your mom... is she still with you or do you have a compromised relationship with her? I find my family still understands me best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silly question but do you have a sister/s? What about your mom... is she still with you or do you have a compromised relationship with her? I find my family still understands me best.

Thanks for your reply. No sisters (one older brother with whom I'm not that close). My mom and I talk daily, but we also argue a lot. So it is nice, but I guess I would like someone my age and who isn't so, well, argumentative and also has all the baggage that we have...

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have the basis for some great, lasting friendships. Rather than worrying whether or not you're "at that stage", just give one of them a call the next time you need someone. Showing that kind of trust can have the effect of returned trust. It's a leap of faith, of sorts, and comes with the risk that the other woman will think "why is this playground acquaintance crying on the phone to me". But like everything else in life, you have to give to get. And in this case, maybe your "giving" trust and openness in a tough moment will result in "getting" the same from someone else.

[Anonymous]

i like the idea of taking the "leap" of faith when you next really need someone. I've done this last year to someone I didn't know very well but hoped to know better and it did work to further foster the relationship. At the time I wasn't looking to build the future friendship (i.e. it wasn't a strategic move), I just needed help and a friend but the upshot was we grew much closer as friends.

[Anonymous]

I totally feel the same way, OP.

I'm not sure why it is harder to have those really close friends though maybe the constraints on our time that really limit long uninterrupted conversations and time out with others is an important factor.

I also think that I found it easier in a work or school setting where I saw the same people every day. I am finding that seeing someone even twice a week does not seem to be enough to build those tight-knit relationships.

It's definitely a bummer, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to build those friendships with limited time.

[Anonymous]

I hear ya, OP. I'm in the same boat. Despite the quantity of friends I have or the great personalities of the people I know, I don't have the INTIMACY with a girlfriend like I did in HS and college and I miss that, need that, sooo much. I appreciate reading PPs' comments; maybe we need to just make that leap and take a friendship to the "next level."

[Anonymous]

If you live in one the uber-areas around here--you are pretty young and and the moms may be bitter 3rd or even 4th wives and they are hard to get close to.

If you live out in Chantilly or whatever, then I don't know what to tell you. There are no "high school like" close friends in power DC. It's too dangerous. Personal confidences are betrayed in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you live in one the uber-areas around here--you are pretty young and and the moms may be bitter 3rd or even 4th wives and they are hard to get close to.
If you live out in Chantilly or whatever, then I don't know what to tell you. There are no "high school like" close friends in power DC. It's too dangerous. Personal confidences are betrayed in a heartbeat.

this sounds like a writeup on the jacket of a new catty novel or a Real Housewives tv promo. a smidge dramatic, no?

[Anonymous]

00:03 is actually right about one thing, and that's the level of gossip. I do happen to live in the Chantilly area, and things get out here, too. When you're in a group, like hanging out with your kids' friends' moms, everyone assumes you can talk about the others when they are not around. This happens with the moms of my DD's friends, but not DS's. I prefer the moms of my son's friends for this reason.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I just moved out to the Chantilly area...and I need some new friends badly! How do I go about meeting people? I have a 7 mo, but there are no young kids in my neighborhood, it feels like, and I haven't spoken to any of my neighbors either than a wave hello. Plus, I WOH, so I guess that makes it harder.

Anyway, I swear I'm a nice person -- and not usually this desperate -- but very few of my friends are making the trek out here so some new acquaintances would be nince.

[Anonymous]

To 08:06
Look into a group called Mothers and More. That was a group called FEMALE at one point that I had joined years ago when my kids were toddlers, and it was a life saver. Lots of mom and kid activities, moms night out, etc. I still am friends with the ladies I met over a dozen years ago. I believe they have two NoVA chapters and one meets at a library once a month and then you do whatever activities that interest you.

[Anonymous]

New friendships, especially as you get older, are a little awkward at first. The best way to see if youcan take an existing casual friendship to the next level is to suggest a girls night out, with lots of drinks. This allows everyone to let their guard down and have their true colors shine through. Sounds odd - but it works.

[Anonymous]

Are you from this area originally OP? If you are not from here, from what I have seen and heard from others from out of town, it is much more difficult to make friends at this stage.

I was born and raised here (DC metropolitan area) and I am still best friends with my friends from high school. Plus, some from my early 20's as well.

I was the first of my group of friends to have a baby. I found it very hard to make "Mommy" friends. People around here tend to be a bit cliquey and even then, the friendships will only revolve around the child...not a balance of both kids and personal.

This is just my personal experience though. I hope something works out for you soon!

[Anonymous]

I agree, and I'm a WOHM in my 40s. Just no time, compared to the hanging out time people have before kids. I can totally empathize and I'm a DC native.