DD with me

[Anonymous]

My DD moved back with me to save money, so far 3 months has gone by and I see no tightening of the belt on her end, but loves to order takeout on my cc. She has a lovely BF who also lives at home to pay off college debt and comes over twice a week , but to give them space I have to retreat upstairs. And she got a puppy who is sweet but pees and chews up the furniture. As you can tell this arrangement is depressing me a bit since I did enjoy my freedom/privacy once the children grew up, now she comments on everything I do, say or wear. Actually I don't like coming home from work anymore because I get hit for carryout requests and dog messes. As an aside, my son who is older lived at home with me for 3/4 years and saved enough for a down payment on a condo and graduate school, it had its moments but I never felt like I needed privacy as he was always busy. My DD already has her masters and has a thriving career, so maybe its me. And I want to retire, however she had the grandiose ideas for her wedding because she want to keep up with her friends weddings, I try to manage those expectations, but I feel like a scrooge. Does this end?

[Anonymous]

Cut off her credit card, tell her you expect her to save x amount each month and clean up after the dog or get out. You are not paying for a wedding.

[Anonymous]

When DC lived at home after they got a job after college, we sat down and worked out how much it would cost them to live by themselves. Then we padded it and set an amount for them to save each month as a requirement if they wanted to continue to live at home. They were also required to plan, shop and cook one family dinner each week and were responsible for their breakfast and lunches- except for milk. If it is just the two of you, I would say she is responsible for providing two weekday dinners and you do two.

We also required cleaning on a specific schedule.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth does she have your credit card and these wild expectations? That’s on you. Nip that $hit in the bud.

[Anonymous]

First thing is there is no way she would bring a dog into my home unless I wanted that dog. She’d also pay rent.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth aren't you setting boundaries?! I'd tell her she has a month to potty train the puppy or the puppy goes. I'd tell her from now on she has no access to your credit card. I'd also start charging her rent. I'd tell her she has until Friday to buy gates for the house to gate the puppy so it doesn't have access to furniture to chew.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to move out.

Also—you don’t have to pay a dime for her stupid wedding. Anything you choose to give should be appreciated but, not expected. She’s a big girl, she can pay for her own things.

[Anonymous]

If she is working, her takeout is in her. And the dog- that is a bad idea!

[Anonymous]

OP here - I take it no one else has experienced this issue personally.

[Anonymous]

My adult DD lived with me and she LOVES dogs, which w soften has while we were raising her.

She did not have access to my credit card/ubereats account or even ask for it. She also would never dream of bringing a puppy into my house under any circumstances.

Yes, I have lived this. But with boundaries. Why won’t you say no? You are unhappy in your own home right now, so what do you have to lose?

[Anonymous]

My DD moved back with me to save money - this was ok
Loves to order takeout on my cc - this is your fault for letting this happen. It shouldn't happen.
She got a puppy - this is your fault for letting this happen. It shouldn't have happened. I love dogs but you can insist on no dog.
She comments on everything I do, say or wear - she does not get to be rude. It shouldn't happen.
My son lived at home and saved enough for a down payment on a condo and graduate school - good for him. But unimportant. Your DD is different.
My DD already has her masters and has a thriving career - you should have led with this. This is impressive. A good thing.

But Bottom Line: good things about her do not let her impose the bad things on you. Demand a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I take it no one else has experienced this issue personally.

Many have similar issues with adult kids. You fail to set ground rules and I suggest you do that ASAP and stick with it.

[Anonymous]

If she has a job why are you paying for her takeout? She should pay for any damage caused by her dog.

She and her boyfriend can go out if they want privacy. You are not restricted to your room in your own house.

Most older kids pay for their own weddings too.

You have to crack down!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I take it no one else has experienced this issue personally.

No, because I have a backbone. During Covid when my DD wanted to move home with her new kitten I said "You know I hate cats - you'll have to find somewhere else for the cat to go before you come." And when she arrived without the cat, within two days we had written out a list of rules and responsibilities so everything was very clear. What she pays for, what I pay for, how she's to adhere to our home's Covid protocols, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, set the rules. She can move if she doesn't like them. She is an adult. Yes, she might be angry, and she might refuse to talk to you for awhile. Start acting like the adult who actually owns the home. Our adult son lives in our basement studio and pays rent, which I put in a dedicated savings account and will return to him when he moves out and gets his first apartment. He buys and cooks his own food. He knows better than to come home with a dog---both he and the dog would be on the sidewalk. Grow a spine, OP.