Conversation dynamic with mom - normal?

[Anonymous]

I (40F) have a generally good relationship with my mom (70) and talk to her 3-4 times a week. It’s been bugging me more recently that she rarely asks me questions - our conversations are generally her telling me about her day and if I talk about mine, she’ll respond to that. I’ve mentioned this gently before, and she’ll try for a few days, but then revert (unintentionally, I think) to the old pattern.

I think there are several dynamics going on, including that (1) she got used to talking to her mom this way when my grandma was alive and suffering from dementia, which meant she liked hearing my mom talk, but didn’t really participate in the conversation herself; and (2) my parents were pretty isolated most of the pandemic, I don’t think she has friends she talks to regularly, and I think she basically has forgotten how to have a conversation.

My best friend claims their mom is the same way and this is just how moms in their 70s+ communicate. That seems a little depressing, but maybe it’s true. Can anyone give me hope this can change or help me find peace that it won’t?

[Anonymous]

My mom is 100% this way. I agree with your friend. I think it’s a feature of getting older.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like this too, I’ll share with her from time to time only to keep some form of conversation going but she never actually asks. It’s all about her, all the time. I just listen and let her talk and commiserate but it isn’t a conversation really. She’s also forgotten my birthday the last two or three years. But she’s tracking hers a month out.

[Anonymous]

She’s 70 years old. Tell her what you want her to know, and stop trying to get her to converse with you a certain way.

Meet her where she is, and work on accepting your mom is getting older.

[Anonymous]

My mom is like that too. I think it's because she's been living by herself long enough that she's forgotten about conversational give and take.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly what talking to my mom is like. It’s mostly listening to her complain about daily annoyances. She rarely asks me anything about my life or her grandkids and when she does it quickly goes back to some ailment or annoyance or other issue she’s experiencing.

[Anonymous]

My mom would just call to see that I'm still alive and well. After that, there really wasn't any further conversation.

[Anonymous]

I think as people age, they worry that they'll ask a question that shows they've forgotten something and you'll decide they're losing it. So they just don't ask.

I expect to volunteer information to my mom. I'm not looking to received a series of thoughtful questions, I just want whatever connection we can manage.

[Anonymous]

My 75 year old mom is like this, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly what talking to my mom is like. It’s mostly listening to her complain about daily annoyances. She rarely asks me anything about my life or her grandkids and when she does it quickly goes back to some ailment or annoyance or other issue she’s experiencing.

THIS, 100%. However, my mom's been like this way before she was "old" but it's a lot worse now that she's getting older. I just stopped calling her. I don't have time for her to talk at me for hours at a time.

[Anonymous]

OP here: It’s comforting to know this isn’t uncommon - thank you all for sharing your experiences and insights.

I think the PPs who’ve said I need to accept it are right. Part of me would hope that if I could help her learn a give-and-take style conversation, then she’d be able to use that with other people and make more friends. But realistically, that probably won’t happen and I should just be glad for whatever connection we can have instead of wishing for a connection we don’t. Aging is sad.

[Anonymous]

Wow! As a mid- 60s mom here, I would love it if my daughter wanted me to ask her questions. I'm so interested in her life and job. I have tried for years with normal catch up conversation questions, but was always met with one word or vague answers. So, to at least have a connection, I just tell her about my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! As a mid- 60s mom here, I would love it if my daughter wanted me to ask her questions. I'm so interested in her life and job. I have tried for years with normal catch up conversation questions, but was always met with one word or vague answers. So, to at least have a connection, I just tell her about my life.

I actually think this is how it starts. I am younger and currently have teens. They really don’t like it when I ask them questions about their life, but they are perfectly happy if I just talk to them. We get a connection without me irritating them. I hope they will chime in from time to time. And they do occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! As a mid- 60s mom here, I would love it if my daughter wanted me to ask her questions. I'm so interested in her life and job. I have tried for years with normal catch up conversation questions, but was always met with one word or vague answers. So, to at least have a connection, I just tell her about my life.

Well you sound better than my mom. I've worked at the same place for 10+ years and I'm pretty certain she couldn't tell you the name of the company I work at. She asks NOTHING abut my life. Asks a little about her grandchild, but usually interrupts to compare to her other grandchildren. I stopped calling her because of it and she hasn't called me for a few years because she says that's my job, not hers. She's a real peach.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m glad to know this one-way “conversation” is not uncommon. It’s frustrating and boring to sit through and I avoid seeing my ILs because of it.