Life for ADHD kids- does it get better

[Anonymous]

My 11 yo ds has severe ADHD and anxiety. Around age 9, the gaps in maturity, impulse control and emotional regulation between him and his peers became glaringly significant. He lost most of his friend group at that time and was bullied. We are changing his school this year. He is on meds and in therapy. But, I worry because he faces so much rejection. I see the way other kids and parents look at him and react to his off the wall behavior. Does this get better? Does the maturity ever catch up? It’s rough trying to set him up for success and then watching him be his own worst enemy

[Anonymous]

My son is 12, going in seventh grade, and the differences between him and his peers seem much more noticeable as he ages. I thought it would get better as he aged but it’s been the opposite. Behavior that seemed a little off at nine is now seems very off at 12 almost 13.

[Anonymous]

Mine is 16 and has made progress. And the TL/DR version here is, yes, they do mature. Yes, it is slower than NT kids. Try not to think of it so much as catching up as preparing them to have life skills necessary to be a good friend/successful worker. We all know adults who have varying levels of maturity, people skills, work skills, etc.

I'd tackle the off the wall behavior. Is there something in particular that stands out? And ask the therapist about some tools to address that.

For my son, he often damaged social connections by being bossy and angry. He got mad when things didn't go his way. When he wanted to play basketball at recess, but everyone else wanted to play four square? Huge meltdown and name calling. So we worked on developing more flexible thinking. To a neurotypical kid, you can often just say, take turns. Or find something different. And it's enough. It wasn't enough with my kid. So I taught him to always have a Plan B in mind. For everything, from not having gum to take to school, to having a girl break up with him, to not finding the right shoes for lacrosse. What will your plan B look like if your friends ditch you for the kid handing out the free vapes? What will your Plan B look like if you don't make varsity lacrosse?

After years and years of being rejected, he finally got a friend group in high school (socializing in middle school was interrupted by COVID). He has a girl he's really interested in. He is being very thoughtful about his own emotional maturity, whether he wants to take it further and potentially get his heart broken. He is being very thoughtful about her feelings. Is he the most mature kid in his grade? Absolutely not. But he's grown a lot in the past few years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but it’s slow going.

[Anonymous]

Don’t confuse maturity with restrained behavior. Other kids are ar immature, just not showing it to you.

But no, or doesn’t really gets better. Life gets more complicated and harder to manage as you get older.

Life only gets better for people who grow up in terrible homes.

[Anonymous]

As far as off the wall behavior, I’m talking about bouts of extreme hyperactivity, like acting very loud, silly and wild. When we was younger other kids would join in or find it funny. Now, they ignore him or tease him or ostracize him for it.

[Anonymous]

It morphs into different behaviors. As a preschooler my son was the impulsive bitter. In elem school, he couldn't sit still, was easily frustrated, and would lash out in anger. In MS he can't stay focused on one thing long enough to give it a chance and lets frustrated when things don't go his way but the outbursts have stopped.

I'm not at HS yet so I don't know how that looks. But if you read the relationship board you know what adult ADHD looks like.

[Anonymous]

I have adhd ds and adhd dh. Both are on the surface neurotypical people but they both struggle with emotional regulation.
Ds is much more mature tho still gets very goofy at times. You might need a med adjustment. He also is the least easy going person ever - like a pp. bossy, inflexible etc. but as they age they have the tools to understand that about themselves and work on it.
Dh just cannot focus or be proactive.
The thing we all have to teach them is to know themselves so they can work on their own challenges. Dh never got dx as a kid and just got told off all the time. Instead of that, with ds we try to coach him to overcome his own obstacles and recognize his own feelings. Who knows if that’s the right approach but I think it’s all you can do

[Anonymous]

*ds is more mature than he was. Not more mature than dh (mostly 😂)

[Anonymous]

In our family’s case it definitely got better. DD = ASD (fairly high functioning)/ADHD. Oppositional. Impulsive. Poor regulation. Always an outsider and sometimes an outcast. Matured much, much more slowly than her peers — was years behind — so she was always overwhelmed, which then brought out her most difficult behaviors, which then compounded the negative feedback she received from the world. And so on and so on.

She’s now 17. And while she still seems younger than her peers in a lot of ways, it is nothing like the early years. We are able to talk really openly about her needs, and unique challenges, and we laugh about them a fair amount. It’s not perfect, but it is such a relief compared to what was. Can still be clueless and impulsive (got a tattoo recently from a classmate, oy), but her years of being an outsider have actually helped in some ways — she’s been much less susceptible to peer pressure around things like drinking. And as a rising senior, she is blissfully un-stressed by the college rat race. She’s visiting schools, thinking hard about her own needs, and unconcerned with prestige.

My advice (which may be worth nothing!): Notice the things they are doing right. Notice all the ways they are trying. Ask teachers and administrators to notice and reward these efforts, even imperfect as they might be.

Focus on your relationship. Talk openly. When you lose your cool, apologize and say what you wish you’d done. Have a sense of humor. You need a sense of humor. And don’t let anyone else’s voice make you doubt your kid. The worst decisions I ever made, the things I regret most, happened bc I was trying to prove to somebody else — another parent, an in law, a teacher, whoever — that I was doing the “right” thing.

Your kid is on their own journey. It might be a longer one than other kids. Let it be.

I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have adhd ds and adhd dh. Both are on the surface neurotypical people but they both struggle with emotional regulation.
Ds is much more mature tho still gets very goofy at times. You might need a med adjustment. He also is the least easy going person ever - like a pp. bossy, inflexible etc. but as they age they have the tools to understand that about themselves and work on it.
Dh just cannot focus or be proactive.
The thing we all have to teach them is to know themselves so they can work on their own challenges. Dh never got dx as a kid and just got told off all the time. Instead of that, with ds we try to coach him to overcome his own obstacles and recognize his own feelings. Who knows if that’s the right approach but I think it’s all you can do

+1. Kids are dx so much earlier now. We as parents have the time to instill the behaviors in them that will set them up for success in life. In addition to brushing teeth, taking meds, and showering, I work with my son on the skills he will need to be an equal participant in running a household. It probably helps that it's just me and my son living in the house now. But I've taught him to look for the "Clean" light on the dishwasher, notice that the trash is full and take it out, pick up his clothes off the floor, put his dishes in the sink, talk about what's bothering him. When my kids were little I played "find the mess" with them. Anyone that spotted something that needed to be put away or cleaned up got a reward. Now the kids see the messes in the house as a habit. They see the laundry basket on the steps and bring it upstairs with them as they are heading up, they clean up the kitchen counter before going to bed, they put their shoes on the shoe rack. I hope that I'm teaching them well.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm a little further along than most of you. My oldest with ADHD/anxiety is now in his 3rd year of college. I can definitely relate to the struggle to glean if things will get better and the worry about life outcomes. It sounds like 06:55 and 09:33 and I have similar approaches. I really focused on helping my DS develop emotional intelligence and the skills he'd need to be successful in life and relationships. It was, at times, excruciatingly difficult and pushed me to the edge of insanity. Given my tragic family history, though, I was incredibly motivated (fear isn't always bad) to help keep my kid on the right path.

I gave/continue to give my DS clear guidance on the impact of his behavior. My DH (his father) also has ADHD/anxiety/depression and as DS has gotten older, he's seen his behaviors reflected in his dad. He's gotten really good at identifying them and giving his own feed back - usually in the way I've given it to him. It's amazing! He's also now showing the behaviors we needed to see for him to go away to college. He's been in community college for 2 years (can't say enough good things about it) because we had no reason to think he would, independently, do what he needed to do to be successful (I highly recommend having this conversation multiple times starting in MS). We didn't push college because we no there are many paths to success. He chose to go. It was then that he started to learn the skills/behaviors he needed to be successful - things most kids learn in HS.

So, yeah, it can get better but you need to have the marathon mindset and resiliency. Even as young adults, things that are intuitively learned by others are not intuitive for many with ADHD. Be vigilent about mental health and make sure your kids know how important it is. Build trust so that when they're struggling, they feel like they can reach out to you. Finally, boundaries are your friends - and not just for your ILs! Boundaries and structure are excellent for everyone no matter their age but are critical to the success of people with ADHD. Yes, it gets better but challenges remain. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You need to read a ton of books. One of them that I recommend is called "why will no one play with me?" Also Dr. Barkely has a book called 12 principles for raising a child with ADHD. It's really hard to be the parent of a kid with ADHD but I found that really leaning into learning about the disorder and finding a lot of advice made it so much easier.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Will-No-One-Play/dp/1538714833

https://a.co/d/c5Dvbdd