My birthday and very depressed

[Anonymous]

I hate my birthday. My twin killed himself 3 years ago on our birthday. It’s a really hard day for me and no one understands. I think my friends think I’m overreacting but I don’t think anyone understand how hurt I am. I’m so sensitive about it. I wish my friends would give me grace and meet me where I’m at but I don’t feel like anyone understands. My husband tries but he doesn’t. All I wanted to do was go to a yoga class and have a close friend go with me. It’s not her fault, she doesn’t understand how hard this day is for me. I’m tired of explaining myself to people. No one understands if they haven’t been through it. I got upset because a friend had to cancel on me. It wasn’t her fault but she also can’t relate to me and is mot happy I got upset. Just taking deep breaths and trying to get through it. Anyone been through this? Where friends or family think you’re horrible or ridiculous or overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine anyone thinking you're horrible, though. How did your friend react? Is she a close friend?

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry about your sibling, OP. I don’t think many people can relate to that, and they likely don’t know how to empathize. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, though.

In your shoes; I would try two things.

Explicitly state (preferably well before your birthday) that you don’t want a traditional celebration and want to manage that day on your own, whatever that might look like.

Look for online support groups. I think it would be very helpful to find a few people who actually can relate.

Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. Grief is very misunderstood and often hard for others to understand. All of your feelings are completely valid and normal and I'm sure shared by many in your position.

Maybe people who haven't been through what you have cannot fully appreciate what you feel. That is frustrating and can feel painful. But as a substitute for understanding, could you give them direct instructions and explanations? Along the lines of, "I need your presence and extra TLC right now. I am dealing with grief and it would help me feel better if you hugged me, listened to me, whatever." It sucks to have to ask and asking is hard, but if you let people know you're down and this is what you need to feel better, those close should come through. Hugs, OP.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist say?

[Anonymous]

Big hugs. You have endured so much loss. All your reactions make sense.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. What you are feeling is a totally normal and appropriate response to the trauma you have been through.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry but what kind of people do you have around you if no one understands your feelings about this?

[Anonymous]

Has your therapist given you language to explain this to friends?

Have you done any DBT?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. There is no timeline for grief. I agree with OP to find a support group. Not the same situation but I experienced sudden loss and the only people that I felt truly understood or could relate to my feelings was a support group of people who had a similar experience.

[Anonymous]

Are you upset that people don't remember it's your twin's death day? We all have a death day and my DH never remembers what mine is. But I don't blame him for it. Some years I don't even remind him and just grieve silently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset that people don't remember it's your twin's death day? We all have a death day and my DH never remembers what mine is. But I don't blame him for it. Some years I don't even remind him and just grieve silently.

It is the same day as her birthday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry but what kind of people do you have around you if no one understands your feelings about this?

+1 I can’t imagine NOT understanding a trauma like that, and why birthdays would be hard. Your friends seem to be very, very limited people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you upset that people don't remember it's your twin's death day? We all have a death day and my DH never remembers what mine is. But I don't blame him for it. Some years I don't even remind him and just grieve silently.

It is the same day as her birthday!

And even if it weren’t, she shared a birthday with her twin. That’s just incredibly difficult. OP’s friends are idiots!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry but what kind of people do you have around you if no one understands your feelings about this?

You can imply op is hanging around the wrong people all day long but the reality is people are much less sympathetic than they used to be. Post after post like this are all over social media.

There was a post here in which the op complained that she didn’t have the bandwidth to support a friend who had been through something awful. When her friend expressed neediness, she wanted to avoid her. Many people supported her. My favorite response was a poster who pointed out she probably watched those awful housewives shows but wouldn’t make time to talk to her good friend for a half hour here and there.

Op I’m sorry that you lost your brother and I’m sorry you’re not getting support.