Memory trouble / getting lost

[Anonymous]

My mom (late 70s) has short term memory challenges. After years of trying to get her to see a neurologist she went two years ago (and had some “white spots” in the areas that control short term memory) but has not gone back. I live across the country and neither my siblings nor my dad have been able to get her to return. My mom used to deny any problem. Now she takes the meds she was given, but says they fixed everything.

I was visiting them recently with my 6 and 11 yr old and, frankly, in terms of safe choices (not wandering into the street etc) felt I had to watch my mom and 6 year old similarly. We went out to dinner - my dad dropped us off and went to park and my sister and her kids hadn’t arrived yet. I put our names in, turned around, and couldn’t find her. The restaurant was crowded so I got some seats right by the front door in case she came back and sent my 11 year old searching for her. At that point I texted my sister that I needed her to hurry and called my dad.

My dad had seen her walking down the sidewalk and they were sitting at a different restaurant because she had told him the first one was too crowded. She had not told me she was leaving and later she told me “I was coming right back.” She had two falls recently and I told her I was really worried about her, especially on the slippery pavement, but that just made her mad.

I think we were all worried, but I’m not sure what we can do. She didn’t bring her cell phone with her that night. I’m tempted to put some sort of gps device in her sneakers but I’m sure she wouldn’t buy into that (unless she thought it were for step counting) and if we didn’t tell her and she found it that would drive her paranoia.

I was very alone for years pushing for that first neurologist appointment- while my family finally joined me for that, I don’t know what they’re willing to do and I can’t go it alone. I’d welcome resources / advice etc. thanks!

[Anonymous]

Focus your efforts on: where they are going to move to. Help them with that. Likely Assisted Living, initially, and then Memory Care for your Mom

[Anonymous]

What did the neurologist say she had? What are her medications?

The main blocker is probably your father. What does he want to do? Can he supervise her at all times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom (late 70s) has short term memory challenges. After years of trying to get her to see a neurologist she went two years ago (and had some “white spots” in the areas that control short term memory) but has not gone back. I live across the country and neither my siblings nor my dad have been able to get her to return. My mom used to deny any problem. Now she takes the meds she was given, but says they fixed everything.

I was visiting them recently with my 6 and 11 yr old and, frankly, in terms of safe choices (not wandering into the street etc) felt I had to watch my mom and 6 year old similarly. We went out to dinner - my dad dropped us off and went to park and my sister and her kids hadn’t arrived yet. I put our names in, turned around, and couldn’t find her. The restaurant was crowded so I got some seats right by the front door in case she came back and sent my 11 year old searching for her. At that point I texted my sister that I needed her to hurry and called my dad.

My dad had seen her walking down the sidewalk and they were sitting at a different restaurant because she had told him the first one was too crowded. She had not told me she was leaving and later she told me “I was coming right back.” She had two falls recently and I told her I was really worried about her, especially on the slippery pavement, but that just made her mad.

I think we were all worried, but I’m not sure what we can do. She didn’t bring her cell phone with her that night. I’m tempted to put some sort of gps device in her sneakers but I’m sure she wouldn’t buy into that (unless she thought it were for step counting) and if we didn’t tell her and she found it that would drive her paranoia.

I was very alone for years pushing for that first neurologist appointment- while my family finally joined me for that, I don’t know what they’re willing to do and I can’t go it alone. I’d welcome resources / advice etc. thanks!

Going through this now (no memory issues but serious fading health, cross country, etc). I was (and to some degree am) very alone pushing for needed changes. Well, my father had a fall, went to ER, and they were so concerned about how he looked, they called social services . Unfortunately, my father passed a week or so later, as often is the case. Now it is mother and sibling, and no sign of making a move to a safer situation for Mom.

I spoke to my cousin tonight who is a geriatric doctor. He said that even if the individual is not of sound mind, if caretakers are, all you can do is lobby for change but can’t force it. In my mother’s case, he said, either I will have to move out there (which he understands is not feasible) or wait for another social services visit, which will be inevitable. When that happens, I’ll be able to offer the necessary options and my sibling can’t put a kebosh on it.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is the decision maker and caretaker here so you will need to talk to him to make sure he sees the serious nature of this situation. My parents went through this when one was beginning to be forgetful, and it turned out they indeed had Alzheimer’s. Hopefully that’s not the case with your mom.

Make a list of all your observations with dates. See if he can take her to the neurologist—maybe try a different one? Have next steps ready, like POA, living will, etc. Otherwise he may eventually have to go through court to get guardianship.

[Anonymous]

At this point, you know she has dementia. Going to a neurologist isn’t going to do much. Focus your efforts on keeping her safe.
1) she is no longer a competent adult. Do not expect her to be able to make decisions about her care. She has the brain of a toddler, make decisions with that in mind.
2) you have to get your Dad to see that she has dementia.
3) learn about therapeutic lying. We got my mom to do so many things with therapeutic lying.
4) there are online stores for dementia (or Alzheimer’s) that sell stuff specifically to help keep them safe
5) if you think moving them is going to happen any time in the next few years, move them now. I wish we had moved my parents when my mom first started showing signs of dementia instead of waiting. (Listened to her desire not to move for too long) She luckily had just a little bit of memory left that she was able to adjust to their IL apartment in a CCRC. But if we had waited another 6 months, it would’ve been a disaster.

Good luck, this is a long painful road!

[Anonymous]

Where is your dad in this? What did he think your mom was doing at a different restaurant with you not there? Is he in his right mind?

If he’s in his right mind, is he in good health otherwise? He’s driving….

I’d sit them down and ask them what their long term plans are. They will see this as a threat to their much valued independence but frame it as your trying to **help them preserve** their independence and choices. If they just wait for a crisis there will be fewer choices. They want to preserve their way of life as long as possible and that is understandable. They are hoping they will live like this and someone will suddenly die if they have to die and they will never have to change their living situation. (How was it for their parents?) If your mom or dad is injured in a fall and breaks a hip, is their home accessible or can it be made so? Would they consider moving closer to you in a retirement community? If not, do they have money to hire in-home help when the time comes that they need it?
I had zero success with my parents on any of this by the way. I believe that two parents living together are much less likely to make changes because they think they can take care of each other. That does work for a long time until it doesn’t work anymore and then there’s a crisis and then they have to submit to the things they put off, and at that point it seems it is usually their adult child having to manage everything for them because they no longer can.

[Anonymous]

Neurologist, or any doctor is not likely to have a way to fix this. From what you described, this is aging. This is dementia. This is alzheimers. It doesn't really matter. The end result is the same: this is now about keeping them safe and you are the most competent adult in the room.