Scattered all over the country or globe

[Anonymous]

If all of your relatives and in-laws are in different states or countries than you, how do you feel about it? What are the pros and cons compared to having family in town?

[Anonymous]

This question isn't for someone temporarily facing this but for ones dealing with it for decades.

[Anonymous]

My family is multi-national. At one point, I had close relatives on every continent apart from Antarctica. They weren't there for work, they were there because they are nationals of these countries.

It makes it difficult for people to see each other, because most of us are not wealthy and travel is expensive. However, I truly value the open-mindedness and religious/cultural tolerance it affords my family. I have Muslim cousins, Buddhist cousins, and Catholic cousins.

[Anonymous]

I mean it’s how I grew up so I think it’s normal? For ~3 years both my sisters and I and my parents all were in the same time zone and it felt like we were able to talk all the time! So unusual! And then one sister moved to the west coast and I’m planning to move next year so we’ll be scattered again. The biggest gap was when we were in: Tokyo, London, NYC, and Toronto. Growing up my mother’s family was is Toronto, Vancouver, Victoria, and Chicago. My cousins are now in: Lyons, Sydney, Victoria, and Vancouver. When I was a kid we did family camping trips for about two weeks every 3 years or so near my grandmother. I may see if my sisters are interested in doing the same with the next generation once my kids are out of diapers and safe to swim in a lake. And when I can afford it, having far flung family is a nice excuse to travel to their new hometowns.

[Anonymous]

As an introvert, at some level, i'm glad for not everyone being in everyone's business. You can't grow and change much if you remain in same environment.

[Anonymous]

My are generational nomads, my granddad moved from his village to nearest bug city for work, my dad moved to another country, me and my siblings did the same, my kids haven't moved to another country yet but to other states and open to moving overseas for right opportunity.

I fear that just like all other relationships have changed, my kids would also grow emotionally apart from each other.

[Anonymous]

As an adult I know no different, so I can’t compare how it would be to be an adult with nearby family/ILs. We are 3000 miles from one set and 400 miles from the other. One requires a 6 hour flight plus airport item, one requires a 6+ hour drive depending on traffic (flying would take the same amount of time given the location of that set).

I will say that as our parents are getting older (73/78 and 77/81) this is becoming more problematic as given the constraints of work/annual leave/childcare/budget/etc it is not easy to simply pick up and go when assistance is needed. On the flip side, we did not receive nor expect help from grandparents. Our siblings who live closer did receive help and it’s frustrating to us that neither set who took took took seems to now be willing to reciprocate despite proximity (same dynamic on both sides of the family).

I often wonder if it would have been better to be nearby because when the further away set was still traveling to visit us, they would come and stay for weeks and it was a huge imposition to have guests in the house for that long when we were clearly not able to take off weeks from work and the children had school. It felt like a real strain on the relationship. Maybe if an afternoon visit or a Sunday dinner had been a possibility there would have been an easier relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adult I know no different, so I can’t compare how it would be to be an adult with nearby family/ILs. We are 3000 miles from one set and 400 miles from the other. One requires a 6 hour flight plus airport item, one requires a 6+ hour drive depending on traffic (flying would take the same amount of time given the location of that set).

I will say that as our parents are getting older (73/78 and 77/81) this is becoming more problematic as given the constraints of work/annual leave/childcare/budget/etc it is not easy to simply pick up and go when assistance is needed. On the flip side, we did not receive nor expect help from grandparents. Our siblings who live closer did receive help and it’s frustrating to us that neither set who took took took seems to now be willing to reciprocate despite proximity (same dynamic on both sides of the family).

I often wonder if it would have been better to be nearby because when the further away set was still traveling to visit us, they would come and stay for weeks and it was a huge imposition to have guests in the house for that long when we were clearly not able to take off weeks from work and the children had school. It felt like a real strain on the relationship. Maybe if an afternoon visit or a Sunday dinner had been a possibility there would have been an easier relationship.

So basically you don't want to live near in-laws or drive to visit them nor have them visit you for more than a dinner? I totally understand that its tough for young families to host or travel but then what's the solution?

[Anonymous]

I hate being so blown apart but it's the path i've taken.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, i get totally overwhelmed when anyone is staying with us, doesn't matter if its my family, my spouse's, my friend or theirs. I do too much cleaning and prepping and get tired of small talk or logistical of showing then around.

[Anonymous]

I can understand this happening with immigrant families, and I respect that. It’s the price one has to pay for the sake of better opportunity.

But for Americans who aren’t recent immigrants who wear their scattered families as badges of honor, like it’s a good thing? I’ll never understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate being so blown apart but it's the path i've taken.

Would you ever change it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand this happening with immigrant families, and I respect that. It’s the price one has to pay for the sake of better opportunity.

But for Americans who aren’t recent immigrants who wear their scattered families as badges of honor, like it’s a good thing? I’ll never understand that.

My H's huge family has always stayed close together. There's definitely some insularity.

[Anonymous]

Pros: they are not always in your business; if you don't have a great relationship, it's awesome to not have to see them so frequently

cons: no help with kids; expensive to fly out and see them; harder to help when someone gets ill - that's happened 3x now for DH whose family lives in Europe. He had to fly out to help. My parents and a few siblings are in the west coast.

[Anonymous]

It’s gotten much better now with WhatsApp.