How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

There's a girl in my DD's activity that has been a friend, but is starting to get very braggy and competitive. She will point out skills she has that my DD does not (and she's not even truthful most of the time about having said skill, not that it really matters). She also talks constantly about opportunities she perceives that she gets that my DD does not. My DD has mentioned this occurring in the past, but I witnessed it first hand last night in addition to completely putting my DD down about a perceived opportunity my DD did not have. The last straw was when I saw her (we can watch the activity from the lobby) put her hands on my DD who was asked to demonstrate, and move her aside so she could show off instead. Her mom was not there to see any of this. I think she would be horrified, as she's a stickler for good behavior.

My DD kind of broke down last night, just upset about all of it. I think it hurts the most because this girl is/was a friend. DD says she doesn't want to be in classes with this girl (that's not possible). I've coached DD to say "please do not touch me" when anyone touches her in a way she doesn't like and loud enough for the teacher to hear that she's not ok with it. I also told her that when the girl gets braggy or competitive, to not react and move herself to another part of the room if possible.

Any other tips? Would you escalate this to the mom or the activity owner and/or teacher? I've known some level of this has been happening for awhile, but last night was the most obvious time of it happening that I was able to witness.

[Anonymous]

Whoever asked your DD to demonstrate should be handling that situation.

For bragginess/one-upmanship, in my experience genuinely congratulating the braggart for success tends to take the wind out of their sails. They then either want to be your friend (if the bragging often comes from a place of deep insecurity and they like the validation) or move on to someone else (if they’re just fishing for a reaction/want someone to feel bad about themselves). Other than that, put your head down and work hard to get out of the class with the annoying kid. This was my experience as a teen figure skater anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoever asked your DD to demonstrate should be handling that situation.

For bragginess/one-upmanship, in my experience genuinely congratulating the braggart for success tends to take the wind out of their sails. They then either want to be your friend (if the bragging often comes from a place of deep insecurity and they like the validation) or move on to someone else (if they’re just fishing for a reaction/want someone to feel bad about themselves). Other than that, put your head down and work hard to get out of the class with the annoying kid. This was my experience as a teen figure skater anyway.

OP here. I agree. If I had to guess, the teacher knows they've been friends and unless DD acted annoyed/upset, she probably thought she was ok with it? That's why I think DD needs to say "please don't touch me". She's fairly passive, so that's out of her comfort zone but I think she needs to learn this skill.

Previously, DD had been genuinely happy for her friend (I can say I've never seen the friend be happy for DD though) but that seemed to keep the bragging going. So I told DD to just grey rock her, in hopes that she will go find someone else to bother.

DD had gotten out of the class with this girl, but then she caught back up. Frustrating because she was doing so much better being in a different class. More focused. This girl messes around a lot in class too, adding to DD's annoyance.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the friend has brothers and friends who are boys. That doesn't make the behavior okay but that behavior would fit in with boys.

How would I handle this? I would give my DD a hug. And listen. She can figure out what she wants and what she should do. You are describing her as passive and your post comes off as strong. She may be passive but she can handle herself. Leave her to it.

[Anonymous]

I'd reassure your daughter that it's not kind for her friend to be bragging, but that bragging usually comes from a person who feels insecure. Your daughter should do what she can to reframe those comments from an attack on her abilities to simply reflect that the friend feels uncertain of her own abilities (even if she's saying the opposite).

If she reassures the friend, it may help. (E.g., "Wow, your back flip has gotten so much better. Nice job.").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the friend has brothers and friends who are boys. That doesn't make the behavior okay but that behavior would fit in with boys.

How would I handle this? I would give my DD a hug. And listen. She can figure out what she wants and what she should do. You are describing her as passive and your post comes off as strong. She may be passive but she can handle herself. Leave her to it.

OP here. She can handle herself, but she was worried that telling someone not to touch her was mean and may upset the girl. I told her it's never mean to say you don't want someone to not touch you in a way you're not comfortable with and if she gets upset, that's for the other girl to work through those feelings. DD's feelings matter too. I do think she needed to hear that.

[Anonymous]

Being told to ignore is terrible advice. DD needs to say "Only insecure people brag. I'm so sorry for you that you're insecure."

Also your DD doesn't have to say "please." Tell her to say "Get your hands off me." Your phrase sounds like a plea. Mine sounds like a command.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like gymnastics. So if it is, we’ve experienced this and I hope I can help. My DD is in gymnastics and dive, and the “look at what I can do that you can’t” wears off once it gets more competitive. They soon learn that nearly everyone gets different skills at different rates and it’s the rare (elite track!) athlete that never has struggles. The most braggy girl of all, who also pushed girls out of line when it was their turns and would trash talk about the skills she had that others didn’t? She lasted for one meet of their first competition season and then disappeared.

If this is a rec class, move your DD into another class. If this is pre-team, tell your DD to tell the coach. If it continues, let the coach know that your DD is struggling to complete drills during practice because other girls are taking her turns or trying to give her corrections. Coaches hate ignorant corrections. If it is team? Wait it out. The girl will either disappear or will turn out to be so good that she’ll go to a fast track or homeschool program and you won’t have to deal with her.

My DD struggled to learn that “don’t touch me” wasn’t something to say just to the girl who was messing with her. It needs to be said loudly enough that coaches/adults/nearby teammates or parents can hear. It’s all about drawing negative attention to the perpetrator, not convincing them to stop. It applies in all parts of life and it’s an important life skill.

[Anonymous]

PS this is a good time to talk to your daughter about the difference between friends, frenemies, acquaintances, and just people who are in the same place at the same time. The American Girl friendship book helped my DD a ton with these kinds of frenemy situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like gymnastics. So if it is, we’ve experienced this and I hope I can help. My DD is in gymnastics and dive, and the “look at what I can do that you can’t” wears off once it gets more competitive. They soon learn that nearly everyone gets different skills at different rates and it’s the rare (elite track!) athlete that never has struggles. The most braggy girl of all, who also pushed girls out of line when it was their turns and would trash talk about the skills she had that others didn’t? She lasted for one meet of their first competition season and then disappeared.

If this is a rec class, move your DD into another class. If this is pre-team, tell your DD to tell the coach. If it continues, let the coach know that your DD is struggling to complete drills during practice because other girls are taking her turns or trying to give her corrections. Coaches hate ignorant corrections. If it is team? Wait it out. The girl will either disappear or will turn out to be so good that she’ll go to a fast track or homeschool program and you won’t have to deal with her.

My DD struggled to learn that “don’t touch me” wasn’t something to say just to the girl who was messing with her. It needs to be said loudly enough that coaches/adults/nearby teammates or parents can hear. It’s all about drawing negative attention to the perpetrator, not convincing them to stop. It applies in all parts of life and it’s an important life skill.

DP. OP described the other girl as her DD's friend, one that OP doesn't really care for. But her DD probably does. Your advice is a bit nuclear and could be friendship ending. OP wants that but it's not clear that her DD does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like gymnastics. So if it is, we’ve experienced this and I hope I can help. My DD is in gymnastics and dive, and the “look at what I can do that you can’t” wears off once it gets more competitive. They soon learn that nearly everyone gets different skills at different rates and it’s the rare (elite track!) athlete that never has struggles. The most braggy girl of all, who also pushed girls out of line when it was their turns and would trash talk about the skills she had that others didn’t? She lasted for one meet of their first competition season and then disappeared.

If this is a rec class, move your DD into another class. If this is pre-team, tell your DD to tell the coach. If it continues, let the coach know that your DD is struggling to complete drills during practice because other girls are taking her turns or trying to give her corrections. Coaches hate ignorant corrections. If it is team? Wait it out. The girl will either disappear or will turn out to be so good that she’ll go to a fast track or homeschool program and you won’t have to deal with her.

My DD struggled to learn that “don’t touch me” wasn’t something to say just to the girl who was messing with her. It needs to be said loudly enough that coaches/adults/nearby teammates or parents can hear. It’s all about drawing negative attention to the perpetrator, not convincing them to stop. It applies in all parts of life and it’s an important life skill.

DP. OP described the other girl as her DD's friend, one that OP doesn't really care for. But her DD probably does. Your advice is a bit nuclear and could be friendship ending. OP wants that but it's not clear that her DD does.

A person who touches you without your consent isn’t a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like gymnastics. So if it is, we’ve experienced this and I hope I can help. My DD is in gymnastics and dive, and the “look at what I can do that you can’t” wears off once it gets more competitive. They soon learn that nearly everyone gets different skills at different rates and it’s the rare (elite track!) athlete that never has struggles. The most braggy girl of all, who also pushed girls out of line when it was their turns and would trash talk about the skills she had that others didn’t? She lasted for one meet of their first competition season and then disappeared.

If this is a rec class, move your DD into another class. If this is pre-team, tell your DD to tell the coach. If it continues, let the coach know that your DD is struggling to complete drills during practice because other girls are taking her turns or trying to give her corrections. Coaches hate ignorant corrections. If it is team? Wait it out. The girl will either disappear or will turn out to be so good that she’ll go to a fast track or homeschool program and you won’t have to deal with her.

My DD struggled to learn that “don’t touch me” wasn’t something to say just to the girl who was messing with her. It needs to be said loudly enough that coaches/adults/nearby teammates or parents can hear. It’s all about drawing negative attention to the perpetrator, not convincing them to stop. It applies in all parts of life and it’s an important life skill.

DP. OP described the other girl as her DD's friend, one that OP doesn't really care for. But her DD probably does. Your advice is a bit nuclear and could be friendship ending. OP wants that but it's not clear that her DD does.

A person who touches you without your consent isn’t a friend.

Agreed. Someone who brags to make you feel small so they feel good, steals (turns) and touches you without asking is not a friend. DD needs to learn this now, not when she’s 22.

The idea that girls need to take any sort of crap from each other or else they’re “bad friends” is perpetuated by bully moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being told to ignore is terrible advice. DD needs to say "Only insecure people brag. I'm so sorry for you that you're insecure."

Also your DD doesn't have to say "please." Tell her to say "Get your hands off me." Your phrase sounds like a plea. Mine sounds like a command.

I hope you know this is not the right approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the friend has brothers and friends who are boys. That doesn't make the behavior okay but that behavior would fit in with boys.

How would I handle this? I would give my DD a hug. And listen. She can figure out what she wants and what she should do. You are describing her as passive and your post comes off as strong. She may be passive but she can handle herself. Leave her to it.

Not my boys. Be better.

[Anonymous]

You can talk to the teacher. The other parent was not present, and will be placed in an uncomfortable position. The teacher is responsible for discipline, and this little kid is being a little forward. From your description, I don't think it's anything too bad yet, and personally I wouldn't say anything at this point, but my kids are very passive about that kind of thing, and generally ignore that sort of behavior. If your child is very bothered, you have to talk to the teacher.