S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties

[Anonymous]

Inspired by the maybe troll who wants to be a sah and “submit” to a DH, I’m just really curious — specifically for those who knew as younger women (could say under 28 but maybe more broadly whenever you were in the dating phase), how DID you know you wanted to be a SAHM? Did you grow up with a SAHM? Or you had two working parents that were really stressed?

I’m in my mid thirties, with two kids under 5, and only realized this past year that having two working parents is insanely tiring and stressful. This is also the year that we transitioned from having a full time nanny to having both kids in daycare/preschool full day. I want to be a SAHM now! Or reduce to part time. How did it take me so long to figure this out when others knew much earlier and even before kids?

[Anonymous]

Just realizing maybe should have posted in the parenting sub forum.

[Anonymous]

I had a SAHM and it just seemed like fun and low stress.

Unfortunately after about 5 years I to it myself, I got bored and felt unstimulated. Husband didn't respect me anymore. It was very challenging to find a job to hire me. I finally did find something way below my market value but even after several years back, it's still challenging to apply for more senior roles despite stellar performance reviews and solid references. It's like I can't escape the black hole on my resume.

[Anonymous]

I had a bread-winning mom and had to attend daycare more than 40 hours a week since infancy. My mom could never come to elementary classes parties or chaperone field trips. I was so jealous of classmates who had their moms pick them up from school, while I had to attend aftercare. And mor often than not, the daycare ladies were disengaged and mean.

I never wanted that for my kids, and always knew I’d only be a mom if I could stay at home with them when they were young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by the maybe troll who wants to be a sah and “submit” to a DH, I’m just really curious — specifically for those who knew as younger women (could say under 28 but maybe more broadly whenever you were in the dating phase), how DID you know you wanted to be a SAHM? Did you grow up with a SAHM? Or you had two working parents that were really stressed?

I’m in my mid thirties, with two kids under 5, and only realized this past year that having two working parents is insanely tiring and stressful. This is also the year that we transitioned from having a full time nanny to having both kids in daycare/preschool full day. I want to be a SAHM now! Or reduce to part time. How did it take me so long to figure this out when others knew much earlier and even before kids?

I think its better not to begin with an ambition to become a SAHM or worker bee mom but being open to every idea which works well for you, your spouse and your children as a family. Also don't set anything stone, you can try A and B and C and then switch back to A or decide C was a better fit for our family.

[Anonymous]

Also discuss things before marriage to make sure both are on same page, not everyone want to be a SAHP or breadwinner or want other person to suddenly announce that they are quitting work or putting kids in daycare to go work outside. Only marry a person whose values align with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also discuss things before marriage to make sure both are on same page, not everyone want to be a SAHP or breadwinner or want other person to suddenly announce that they are quitting work or putting kids in daycare to go work outside. Only marry a person whose values align with you.

And if you have a sahm wife, do you expect her to eventually go back to work and have a plan for that? Or not to go back? It isn’t the little kid years that often cause tension because the couple doesn’t agree, it’s what happens afterward.

[Anonymous]

It isn’t really cut and dry anymore like it used to be when our moms were raising us. I stepped back and took a flexible wfh job with a less than a 40 hr requirement when kids were little so we never needed aftercare, extended day preschool etc. I think there’s more opportunities like this but you need to work hard before kids toward setting yourself up for this type of career and option—you can’t just expect it.

[Anonymous]

Try to stay in the workforce in a least some capacity.

[Anonymous]

I knew I wanted to work part time. I went back to school for a career I could choose my own hours and structure it around my kids' schedules.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did have a SAHM. Although I always planned to work when I was a mother. I had my first child in 2008 during the Great Recession and my industry was hit hard. So it was a great time to take a break and stay home with my baby. Two years later I had another baby. My DH’s income was sufficient for us to do this, and it increased over the years so it’s been fine. In the early days I did consider going back to work, but I liked our lifestyle. Everyone was happy and home life was easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also discuss things before marriage to make sure both are on same page, not everyone want to be a SAHP or breadwinner or want other person to suddenly announce that they are quitting work or putting kids in daycare to go work outside. Only marry a person whose values align with you.

And if you have a sahm wife, do you expect her to eventually go back to work and have a plan for that? Or not to go back? It isn’t the little kid years that often cause tension because the couple doesn’t agree, it’s what happens afterward.

DH here. It’s what she wants. Only thing I don’t want is her to get a job that has long hours and long commute and low pay (like working at some nonprofit downtown for ideological reasons) since that would be hard on the family.

I think she wants something part time (basically unambiguously mommy track) and that’s fine.

We don’t really need more $$ though I wouldn’t turn it down.

Only way this approach works on a super expensive area like DC is the working spouse needs to do really well. And some moderate budgeting helps, we have a more low key life than “power couples” but also less stressful.

Both of us came from families with this setup so we were on the same page from the start.

[Anonymous]

I had a SAHM but I think she was lonely and happier when she went back to work when I was in HS. My inclination to be a SAHM for the early years came from spending my 20s seeing how miserable coworkers with babies seemed to be, never having enough time, running from work to daycare, one who often called her DH to ask him to try to keep the baby awake so she could see him when she got home. That just didn't look like how I wanted to spend those years.

So, I stayed home, thinking it would be 3ish years. From my mom's cautionary tale, I put a lot of effort into building a strong social life plus continued to do freelance work so I stayed connected to my career. Ended up loving that phase of life and was home seven years before going back to FT work with no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SAHM but I think she was lonely and happier when she went back to work when I was in HS. My inclination to be a SAHM for the early years came from spending my 20s seeing how miserable coworkers with babies seemed to be, never having enough time, running from work to daycare, one who often called her DH to ask him to try to keep the baby awake so she could see him when she got home. That just didn't look like how I wanted to spend those years.

So, I stayed home, thinking it would be 3ish years. From my mom's cautionary tale, I put a lot of effort into building a strong social life plus continued to do freelance work so I stayed connected to my career. Ended up loving that phase of life and was home seven years before going back to FT work with no problem.

Similar experience, except I was a nanny in my early 20s. I had a ton of jobs and almost all of the moms were miserable. Some of the husbands would even apologize the mom didn't clean up even though they both worked full-time! I have concluded that being a mom sucks unless you have a lot of paid help. Stay at home mom, part-time mom, full-time mom. I have tired all.

[Anonymous]

DH and I agreed to this set up before we married. It just made the most sense with how much he worked and the cost of childcare there. I’ve always still brought in a small amount of money but I’m a SAH for 7 years now.