Teen birthday - how to handle

[Anonymous]

My son is turning 15. He doesn't want a big party, but is instead asking for separate small dinners or cookouts with small groups of friends (friends from XC, friends from soccer, friends from scouts, friends he has known since elementary, his girlfriend and two of her friends who have become his friends). However, this is going to result in five mini parties, which is a lot of effort and/or expense. He claims he cannot combine these groups because the people don't know each other (which is true, they do not). Is it unreasonable for me to take the position that they can get to know each other at a single cookout? Or should I just give him money to go to separate restaurants with smaller groups (we can afford, but it feels expensive)?

[Anonymous]

Of course they can get to know each other at one party/cookout. Or he can have one party, then plan something else low key with a few friends later. I think 5 “parties” is over the top.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids my budget and they choose how to divide it between gifts and party and how to spend it at that age.

Both my kids choose to do very expensive activities with one friend this year that bused the whole budget.

On the Sunday closest to their birthday we also have all the aunts/uncles/cousins to cookout and they can invite friends to that too.

[Anonymous]

Five parties is a lot but they don’t have to be expensive. You can do small home gatherings. You can host a moose night with one group, a cookout with another, etc. it costs about $1.50 to bake a batch of cupcakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five parties is a lot but they don’t have to be expensive. You can do small home gatherings. You can host a moose night with one group, a cookout with another, etc. it costs about $1.50 to bake a batch of cupcakes.

What is a moose night? Movie night?

[Anonymous]

My son wanted something similar last year when he turned 17. I paid for dinner with a small group of friends, and then he had a different small group over to hang out by the fire pit, cook hotdogs, and eat homemade cake. It wasn’t expensive and he enjoyed it , as did his friends, it seemed.

[Anonymous]

He can go out with those people at five different times (go to Chipotle or wherever they normally go) but it doesn’t have to be 5 nice dinners or you hosting a party 5 times. Tell him he gets one and can invite who he wants. Otherwise he can hang out with other friends as he would normally. Is he really into his birthday? My 15 yo and his friends don’t seem to have big friend celebrations anymore.

[Anonymous]

We bought a cheap griddle for 50 bucks and allowed our son to cook in our back yard with with 2 groups of friends not 5 though. his theme was fried rice and each friend bought a vegetable (we provide the meat). They had fun chopping it off, and made a tic toc video. It was really popular at their school. He then had another one with pancakes theme and each friend bought stuff idea, you get the idea.

[Anonymous]

Is he really into his birthday? My 15 yo and his friends don’t seem to have big friend celebrations anymore.

Sort of? My parents always give him over the top gifts (expensive sports stuff), and make a fuss over him at a family party (he is the only grandchild). But no, prior to this year, he has never been super into celebrating with friends. This is the first year he has had a girlfriend, so that may be factoring in. She's really nice and I like her generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is he really into his birthday? My 15 yo and his friends don’t seem to have big friend celebrations anymore.

Sort of? My parents always give him over the top gifts (expensive sports stuff), and make a fuss over him at a family party (he is the only grandchild). But no, prior to this year, he has never been super into celebrating with friends. This is the first year he has had a girlfriend, so that may be factoring in. She's really nice and I like her generally.

That’s great! I’m thinking of my own 15 yo and why I mentioned Chipotle. His idea of celebrating with friends would probably be them going there and paying their own way without even mentioning his birthday. Every year I ask if he wants to do something and he doesn’t other than the family party. His 5 little parties might but be as extensive you are imagining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can go out with those people at five different times (go to Chipotle or wherever they normally go) but it doesn’t have to be 5 nice dinners or you hosting a party 5 times. Tell him he gets one and can invite who he wants. Otherwise he can hang out with other friends as he would normally. Is he really into his birthday? My 15 yo and his friends don’t seem to have big friend celebrations anymore.

Same. My kid stopped having them in middle school. Said nobody had them anymore.

[Anonymous]

My teens have multiple parties spread through the week. .

Party 1 - Tiny birthday cake or dessert at midnight. everyone in PJs and the birthday kid/adult gets hugs and kisses. They get 1K from us.

Party 2 - All the family go for a dinner at a fancy restaurant (around 15 people) . Food, drinks, the works. He gets some cash gifts from older relatives.

Party 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - he is treating all his different groups of friends to movies, dinners, lunches, trips, activities etc. some modest cash gifts. Usually between $25 - $50, but mostly just birthday cards etc.

some groups treat him to a meal. That is their tradition. I really like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teens have multiple parties spread through the week. .

Party 1 - Tiny birthday cake or dessert at midnight. everyone in PJs and the birthday kid/adult gets hugs and kisses. They get 1K from us.

Party 2 - All the family go for a dinner at a fancy restaurant (around 15 people) . Food, drinks, the works. He gets some cash gifts from older relatives.

Party 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - he is treating all his different groups of friends to movies, dinners, lunches, trips, activities etc. some modest cash gifts. Usually between $25 - $50, but mostly just birthday cards etc.

some groups treat him to a meal. That is their tradition. I really like that.

You give each of your kids $1k cash each year for non-milestone birthdays? Are they required to save any of that or is it all for spending?

My DS didn't get that much -- total, from all sources -- for his bar mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teens have multiple parties spread through the week. .

Party 1 - Tiny birthday cake or dessert at midnight. everyone in PJs and the birthday kid/adult gets hugs and kisses. They get 1K from us.

Party 2 - All the family go for a dinner at a fancy restaurant (around 15 people) . Food, drinks, the works. He gets some cash gifts from older relatives.

Party 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - he is treating all his different groups of friends to movies, dinners, lunches, trips, activities etc. some modest cash gifts. Usually between $25 - $50, but mostly just birthday cards etc.

some groups treat him to a meal. That is their tradition. I really like that.

I think this is a joke but can’t be sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My teens have multiple parties spread through the week. .

Party 1 - Tiny birthday cake or dessert at midnight. everyone in PJs and the birthday kid/adult gets hugs and kisses. They get 1K from us.

Party 2 - All the family go for a dinner at a fancy restaurant (around 15 people) . Food, drinks, the works. He gets some cash gifts from older relatives.

Party 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 - he is treating all his different groups of friends to movies, dinners, lunches, trips, activities etc. some modest cash gifts. Usually between $25 - $50, but mostly just birthday cards etc.

some groups treat him to a meal. That is their tradition. I really like that.

This is classic DCUM.

OP, I like the idea of giving him a budget and letting him figure it out. Lao let him know that if he hosts multiple gatherings at your house, he’s responsible for cleaning up before and after for all of them after the first one. I wouldn’t force him to have a large cookout with everyone there. He wants intimate time with various friends instead of awkward subgroups all keeping to themselves at one get-together.