Alzheimers/Dementia In-Home Care Question

[Anonymous]

Mom has dementia and does not want to do anything other than sitting in front of the television all day.

She doesn’t want to chat with family/friends. Just TV. We hired a home health aide but Mom just goes to her room and watches TV.

My question is, how much engagement should I expect from the aide? I’ve popped by and the aide is sitting on the couch reading. I enrolled mom in senior fitness classes and when mom told the aide she didn’t want to go, the aide allowed her to not go.

What are the expectations in terms of engagement? I send a weekly email of brain games and things to do and they don’t get done since mom doesn’t wants to do it.

Full disclosure I can’t get her to do these items either. I’m really the only person managing her healthcare as my sibling is out of state and her husband recently passed away. I work full time, am a single parent with school aged children but am spending weekends/days off at her home helping out as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's realistic or safe to expect an aide to force her. How would she even accomplish that?

I think you could set a limit on TV time, like by using an app that's for kids, and then have the aide socially interact by speaking with her even if she doesn't respond. No TV during meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's realistic or safe to expect an aide to force her. How would she even accomplish that?

I think you could set a limit on TV time, like by using an app that's for kids, and then have the aide socially interact by speaking with her even if she doesn't respond. No TV during meals.

No! She is an adult, not a child you can punish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's realistic or safe to expect an aide to force her. How would she even accomplish that?

I think you could set a limit on TV time, like by using an app that's for kids, and then have the aide socially interact by speaking with her even if she doesn't respond. No TV during meals.

No! She is an adult, not a child you can punish.

Limiting TV is not a punishment, it's making the best choice for her well-being and cognitive function. She can still watch plenty of TV just not every waking hour of the day.

[Anonymous]

The aide is mostly there to make sure your mom is safe. If your mom is or becomes "exit seeking" it's to make sure she doesn't get out and wander.
To make sure your mom isn't turning on the gas stove and then throwing cotton dish towels on top.

[Anonymous]

Once they hit that point with dementia leaving the house or talking is very hard. Clean and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's realistic or safe to expect an aide to force her. How would she even accomplish that?

I think you could set a limit on TV time, like by using an app that's for kids, and then have the aide socially interact by speaking with her even if she doesn't respond. No TV during meals.

No! She is an adult, not a child you can punish.

Limiting TV is not a punishment, it's making the best choice for her well-being and cognitive function. She can still watch plenty of TV just not every waking hour of the day.

Let the woman watch her tv.

[Anonymous]

This is part of why we moved my mom to assisted living, but the truth is that she just stares at the TV there. The sad fact is that at the stage when they need 24/7 care, they can't really enjoy social situations anymore. Asking them to chat and make small talk is like asking me to do multivariable calculus -- I used to be able to do it (I even liked it!) but now that part of my brain is rusty and it's not how I want to spend my free time.

The PP is right that stimulation does help with cognitive function, but at this stage, what is the point really? It already sounds like your mom is too far advanced to have a good quality of life. It is going to keep going worse and then your mom will die. The same will happen to my mom, it sucks but at this point I don't see any reason to try to stimulate her remaining cognitive function we way we did earlier on in the disease.

Sorry you are going through this OP! I wish I knew you in real life so we could get drinks and cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why we moved my mom to assisted living, but the truth is that she just stares at the TV there. The sad fact is that at the stage when they need 24/7 care, they can't really enjoy social situations anymore. Asking them to chat and make small talk is like asking me to do multivariable calculus -- I used to be able to do it (I even liked it!) but now that part of my brain is rusty and it's not how I want to spend my free time.

The PP is right that stimulation does help with cognitive function, but at this stage, what is the point really? It already sounds like your mom is too far advanced to have a good quality of life. It is going to keep going worse and then your mom will die. The same will happen to my mom, it sucks but at this point I don't see any reason to try to stimulate her remaining cognitive function we way we did earlier on in the disease.

Sorry you are going through this OP! I wish I knew you in real life so we could get drinks and cry.

Thank you! I have no idea how to navigate this. We tried all sorts of puzzles, games, and the sort. TV always wins and she gets irritated if we don’t allow it.

[Anonymous]

We're in a similar phase with my dad. We've decided this is just how the last chapter of his life will be. Blood and stones and horses and water.

[Anonymous]

My dad’s aide just talks to him, even when he doesn’t answer. He often uses the wrong word but she tries to understand him. Dad can’t really have much of a conversation but enjoys people FaceTiming him and visits. My dad can’t follow much of a tv show anymore although he “watches” the news. I do put on a lot of his favorite music and I do believe that can stimulate him.

[Anonymous]

It is far to hot for walking outside now but we had the aids take Mom outside on walks twice a day.

Mom was never really a tv watcher but one aide always turned the tv on for "Say Yes to the Dress" and aid and Mom would sit next to each other on the couch watching tv together. It was cute.

We had Mom doing chores for a long time. Chores were generally: folding laundry, putting washed silverware away into the correct slot in drawer, and pushing the dry swiffer around the kitchen floor.
Mom really excelled at this stuff.

We always had a puzzle out but I think the aids did most of the puzzle working.

One aide did not think Mom had enough activities so she requested magnet books for Mom--one was about gardening and one was about sewing. This aide also requested paint supplies so Mom could do arts and crafts. Mom did pretty well with the painting.

If you have a caregiver who sits on the couch reading a book that is a great thing. So many of them are glued to their cell phones constantly.

Some good advice that my mother's estate lawyer told me was that most caregivers are high school grads and that I should not be too picky.

If the caregivers are kind, Mom is dressed, clean, safe and moves around a bit you are doing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why we moved my mom to assisted living, but the truth is that she just stares at the TV there. The sad fact is that at the stage when they need 24/7 care, they can't really enjoy social situations anymore. Asking them to chat and make small talk is like asking me to do multivariable calculus -- I used to be able to do it (I even liked it!) but now that part of my brain is rusty and it's not how I want to spend my free time.

The PP is right that stimulation does help with cognitive function, but at this stage, what is the point really? It already sounds like your mom is too far advanced to have a good quality of life. It is going to keep going worse and then your mom will die. The same will happen to my mom, it sucks but at this point I don't see any reason to try to stimulate her remaining cognitive function we way we did earlier on in the disease.

Sorry you are going through this OP! I wish I knew you in real life so we could get drinks and cry.

My Dad was in charge of Mom while he was alive. Several times he wanted to go on a cruise out of Baltimore for a break so I stayed with Mom and the caregivers while Dad was gone. I slept in Mom's bed with her while Dad was gone. One evening around 7:00 pm Mom told me that the caregivers had no idea of how hard it was for her just to get through her day and that she tried really hard but it was a struggle for her. Her comments were eye opening for me.

If Mom is happy watching tv I think I'd go with it.

[Anonymous]

I would see if you can find the old shows your mom used to like when she was younger, or older movies. those kids of things are likely to be comforting since she is more likely to remember them than shows she watched just 5-10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is far to hot for walking outside now but we had the aids take Mom outside on walks twice a day.

Mom was never really a tv watcher but one aide always turned the tv on for "Say Yes to the Dress" and aid and Mom would sit next to each other on the couch watching tv together. It was cute.

We had Mom doing chores for a long time. Chores were generally: folding laundry, putting washed silverware away into the correct slot in drawer, and pushing the dry swiffer around the kitchen floor.
Mom really excelled at this stuff.

We always had a puzzle out but I think the aids did most of the puzzle working.

One aide did not think Mom had enough activities so she requested magnet books for Mom--one was about gardening and one was about sewing. This aide also requested paint supplies so Mom could do arts and crafts. Mom did pretty well with the painting.

If you have a caregiver who sits on the couch reading a book that is a great thing. So many of them are glued to their cell phones constantly.

Some good advice that my mother's estate lawyer told me was that most caregivers are high school grads and that I should not be too picky.

If the caregivers are kind, Mom is dressed, clean, safe and moves around a bit you are doing well.

OP, big hugs for you. We all figure out how to get through losing a parent, piece by piece, as if it were the very first time -- because it is, for us. This is all brand new.

I'd hold onto that last sentence there. It's a good one. A truism in elder care is that you have to meet people where they are. At this stage, this well-worn track of her shows and routines may be the only place that seems safe and familiar.