How to chat with friend with ADHD
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Anonymous
| I've got a friend who I adore, and I enjoy talking on the phone with her, but whoa, her ADHD makes it difficult: she can never stay on topic, and ending a conversation is next to impossible. She admits this is a problem, but I'm wondering if there's anything I can kindly do to keep her on and track and make it easier for me to hang out? Giving her a deadline, even made-up, doesn't help. |
Anonymous
| I have ADHD. I am ok if you say: “need to go, bye” and hang up. That’s it. |
Anonymous
| Yep just say you need to hang up and then cheerfully do it. She can’t keep track of a deadline but if you tell her in advance won’t be insulted. |
Anonymous
Really? This doesn't come off as rude? |
Anonymous
As someone with ADHD and with family members with severe ADHD, I have developed a few strategies to stay on track. People with ADHD often hyoer focus and have difficulty transitioning smoothly and quickly. At beginning set time frame - I have x amount of time. Provide frequent redirects - how does this connect to X theme or topic that we were talking about? Often it does connect but they have 3-10 steps in their heads that got them there. Finally, I like CCs advice to simply state when you need to go in friendly way. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
I don’t have ADHD and don’t think it’s rude. But don’t be so literal. Say I have to go. Hear her response. If she ignores you then say it again and hang up. You don’t randomly interrupt mid sentence with “gotta go!” once and hang up. My entire family, me included, talks a lot. We can have long conversations and someone abruptly says “I have to go now” the other one says “okay, bye.” It’s startling if you aren’t used to it. |
Anonymous
I personally love it because I have trouble saying it myself and wanted to hang up 20 min ago. I have ADD. |
Anonymous
| Following this. I have a very good friend with ADHD and talking to her can be exhausting at times! I've never had a phone conversation shorter than an hour with her! She goes off on 15-minute tangents, talks very loudly and quickly, and begs me to talk longer even after I politely say I have to go. Also, no matter how many times I tell her that weeknights don't usually work me to talk on the phone because of my work schedule, she'll still try to call me or text me asking if she can call me. She also texts constantly. Sometimes it's so bad that I have to put my iPad in airplane mode so I can read! |
Anonymous
| Just say have to go and then hang up. You don’t need to stick around for permission to get off the phone. |
Anonymous
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My sister is like this - I don't mind talking to her but it's hard to get off the phone. I'll say at the beginning of the call I can only talk until x and then I set an alarm, or I use the airpods are dying excuse. Set an alarm - tell her when the alarm goes off you have to go. I also use the airpods are dying, got to go and then just say bye and hang up. I don't do it like mid story but I'll slide it in as soon as there's an opening. I also don't answer if I am busy or don't want to chat. She's usually calling when she's on her way to or from somewhere and not because of something important.
I have more mild ADHD - I struggle with texting too much occasionally. You can mute conversations though - I wouldn't be offended if someone did that to me (and I am sure some people do). I just have to text when I think of something or I won't do it later, I am not looking for immediate response. |
Anonymous
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I agree with PPs about redirecting and time limits. It’s not the most polite thing, but considering the circumstances not also not particularly rude. It’s setting a boundary. Being up front about the time limit-a specific end time, a set amount of time, or just a vague “I have limited free time now so I may have to end the call quickly when [some event needing your attention] happens,” is a good way to let her know she’s talking on borrowed time. If she stalls, be firm, and you can even say something like, “I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. I’ll call you back when I’m free but it might not be tonight, so feel free to text it if that’s easier for you.”
You don’t have to be horrible and hang up mid sentence with no warning. Transitions can be hard for us with adhd, and our minds jump around like that. It’s worse on the phone, at least for me, because there’s no feedback from facial expressions or body language to remind me to tone it down. She probably has had this issue come up before, so she might be used to people ending calls that way. Besides, it seems much more rude to keep talking to someone who says they need to end a call. I think that gives you a pass here. |
Anonymous
| When the call begins just say, “just letting you know I have a meeting or have to go to the doctor in 15 minutes” and it’s fine. |
Anonymous
I agree, this is rude. If I'm understanding correctily. You're conversating back and forth, friend makes a comment, to which you reply: gotta go bye. And then you hang up, without waiting for a response? Yeah, sorry, that's rude. |
Anonymous
OP here. We've had three hour calls! Lol. I usually play a game on my phone while we talk. |