Death anniversary

[Anonymous]

Have you found meaningful ways to observe a death anniversary of a parent?

We're approaching the one year anniversary and the family is divided with a few wanting to observe it and a few feeling like it's too sad and wanting to celebrate instead on a birthday, so I'm looking for ways that could be meaningful enough for the first group while not feeling like it's too much for the second.

[Anonymous]

Timely post.

The 1 year anniversary of my father's death was Wednesday. I was expecting it to be really difficult and structured my work day with that expectation. I spent some time thinking about him. I wrote a Facebook post and tagged his profile in it. I had a cup of coffee using one of his mugs with the urn containing his ashes. I cried a little. I had been thinking about how to handle that morning, and this was what I came up with. It worked okay. Honestly, I think I psyched myself out about how upset I was likely to be, and then when the day came, it wasn't that bad.

My brother first pretended he didn't know what day Dad died, and then he basically got really drunk. He lives across the country. My sister reached out to both of us saying some kind of memorial platitude. I don't know that either of them did anything structured like I did.

[Anonymous]

Observe it how?

[Anonymous]

My family is pretty food centric. We would probably go to that person's favorite restaurant or maybe make their favorite dessert.

[Anonymous]

Donating blood on those anniversaries always makes me feel good, like I'm "paying it forward" or at least helping others.

[Anonymous]

It was a hard time, even leading up to the actual anniversary day. I needed to mark it somehow. I went with my family to the beach and toasted my father at dinner. I remembered him and the traumatic day. And I moved forward.

[Anonymous]

I drink my mom's favorite beverages (margarita, etc) and we speak of her fondly. Just to keep her memory alive I think is the wonderful part. The first anniversary was the hardest, it has gotten easier. We also remember her birthday.

[Anonymous]

In my religion (jewish) you observe by lighting a specific candle. Last year my brother invited me to dinner and I brought my mom's favorite flowers to his house for his family. You should do what feels right to you. You don't all have to do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I had a much harder time on my dad's birthday and also on my own than I had on the first anniversary of his death. But the grief hits me (so hard sometimes) randomly, so rather than try to do something on a particular date, I just deal with it as it coms up. Same with trying to celebrate him, although I'm still at the point of sadness rather than joy regarding memories of him.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lost both parents and am not particularly invested in their birth or death anniversaries as part of my grief. My brothers, however, are (one in particular). He sends a “hope you’re having a good day” to the sibling group chat on the bday and death anniversaries. I think he does more (grave visits, sm posts) but I’m not privvy (and I’m okay w that).

Every person’s grief journey is different. Plan something if you want, invite others to come, make it clear there is no pressure.

I’d encourage you to pivot your thinking… there is no “official” grieving activity and that is a good thing. People can opt in or out as they choose.

I am sorry for your loss. Things do get less tender after the 1st year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a much harder time on my dad's birthday and also on my own than I had on the first anniversary of his death. But the grief hits me (so hard sometimes) randomly, so rather than try to do something on a particular date, I just deal with it as it coms up. Same with trying to celebrate him, although I'm still at the point of sadness rather than joy regarding memories of him.

Your post touched me.

My mom died 7 years ago and dad died 4 years ago. He was a mess after my mom died and there were some heavy things that happened before he died. It is just in the last 6 months or so that I only remember and feel the best parts of our relationship (which wonderful before he dropped his basket).

It is hard. It hurts. I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

The first few years after my mother's death my siblings and I met at a restaurant to acknowledge the day and support each other. It was satisfying but after a few years we stopped doing it. Now we might acknowledge birthdays but not death days. Nothing will ever stop me from thinking about her and missing her on any day but maybe especially the day we lost her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first few years after my mother's death my siblings and I met at a restaurant to acknowledge the day and support each other. It was satisfying but after a few years we stopped doing it. Now we might acknowledge birthdays but not death days. Nothing will ever stop me from thinking about her and missing her on any day but maybe especially the day we lost her.

+1. I think I want remember her living so the birthdays are what I choose to remember. My parents’ deaths were preceded by a lot of pain and difficult moments.

[Anonymous]

Don't assume it's ordinary for everyone to want to honor the anniversary of a death. If people don't want to be reminded of it, it doesn't mean they miss the person less.

[Anonymous]

our religion (hinduism) also has a ceremony on the 1st death anniversary. I'm not very religious but I did find a temple that day, one year after my Dad's passing, and performed the ceremony with a priest. I was instructed to bring a few things, like photos of him, his parents, some food that he likes. I swear, I closed my eyes at the end and saw a vision of my father there. It was very healing!

Since then I do think of him on that day, but, as others have mentioned, I think of him more on his birthday.