Caring for young and old loved ones AND planning our own care

[Anonymous]

I read this in another thread and felt like making a comment but didn't want to hijack original thread, hence posting here for y'all to pitch in with ideas and solutions, instead of anecdotes and criticism of how others do it.

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, children care for their aging parents except for the more serious cases. I am a bit disturbed that so many Americans leave their parents to be cared for by strangers (for decades!) and their children to be raised by strangers too (nannies). Smh.

While it can be a more humane way to treat babies and elderly, its not always perfect or possible. Americans use to do the same not so long ago.

If you have large joint family homes, affordable live-in house help and nanny/nursing care then it can be done but that's really expensive and has its cons.

It often makes it tough on women traditionally burden of care falls on them.

Its easier when men contribute equally and several family members live in same home or in neighborhood to supplement care.

We need to transform societal set up to provide better for children, special need folks, sick, disabled and elders.

Neither extremes of putting all burden on one woman or depositing children and elders in chicken coops at mercy of strangers.

Same issues rise in childcare, either overwhelming mothers and killing their careers, putting double burden on them or leaving children in impersonal and loveless care.

There should be mandatory courses in high school so everyone can learn empathy and caregiving. We reap what we sow so caring for our children and parents will lead to us getting care when its our turn.

Housing should be more child/elder friendly and community involvement should be valued.

No intention to criticize anyone or illusion to have perfect solutions but this conversation needs to happen on national level.

[Anonymous]

*OP here - improving and personalizing existing system of daycares and nursing homes is another solution.

[Anonymous]

Schools already don't teach well. No reason to think we'd teach empathy and caregiving of elders any better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this in another thread and felt like making a comment but didn't want to hijack original thread, hence posting here for y'all to pitch in with ideas and solutions, instead of anecdotes and criticism of how others do it.

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, children care for their aging parents except for the more serious cases. I am a bit disturbed that so many Americans leave their parents to be cared for by strangers (for decades!) and their children to be raised by strangers too (nannies). Smh.

While it can be a more humane way to treat babies and elderly, its not always perfect or possible. Americans use to do the same not so long ago.

If you have large joint family homes, affordable live-in house help and nanny/nursing care then it can be done but that's really expensive and has its cons.

It often makes it tough on women traditionally burden of care falls on them.

Its easier when men contribute equally and several family members live in same home or in neighborhood to supplement care.

We need to transform societal set up to provide better for children, special need folks, sick, disabled and elders.

Neither extremes of putting all burden on one woman or depositing children and elders in chicken coops at mercy of strangers.

Same issues rise in childcare, either overwhelming mothers and killing their careers, putting double burden on them or leaving children in impersonal and loveless care.

There should be mandatory courses in high school so everyone can learn empathy and caregiving. We reap what we sow so caring for our children and parents will lead to us getting care when its our turn.

Housing should be more child/elder friendly and community involvement should be valued.

No intention to criticize anyone or illusion to have perfect solutions but this conversation needs to happen on national level.

No, it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I think one huge issue is that people are living longer and as they are getting into their 80s and 90s, there is more dementia. This wasn't such a problem when people died younger of untreatable heart disease or cancer or TB or pneumonia. Also, when people married in their teens/early 20s and had children early, these kids were leaving the home when the parents were in their early 40s not mid 60s. This is a new thing where 55-65 year olds are looking after 80-100 year olds as well as shepherding their own kids into adulthood while also dealing with their own emerging health problems.

For the person saying "we look after our elders in our culture", is this changing as those elders are surviving longer? It's one thing to have grandma at home helping with the babysitting and cooking vs looking after grandma with memory and physical limitations. Countries like Japan and Korea are facing plummeting birth rates which means there will be way more seniors than there'll be younger people to look after them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one huge issue is that people are living longer and as they are getting into their 80s and 90s, there is more dementia. This wasn't such a problem when people died younger of untreatable heart disease or cancer or TB or pneumonia. Also, when people married in their teens/early 20s and had children early, these kids were leaving the home when the parents were in their early 40s not mid 60s. This is a new thing where 55-65 year olds are looking after 80-100 year olds as well as shepherding their own kids into adulthood while also dealing with their own emerging health problems.

For the person saying "we look after our elders in our culture", is this changing as those elders are surviving longer? It's one thing to have grandma at home helping with the babysitting and cooking vs looking after grandma with memory and physical limitations. Countries like Japan and Korea are facing plummeting birth rates which means there will be way more seniors than there'll be younger people to look after them.

Agreed. Its unfair to expect people to send best years of their lives caring for children and seniors. There has to be a solution which is equally fair to all.

[Anonymous]

One or no child at 40+ trend may backfire.

[Anonymous]

The milennials are the first generation where it was more the norm to be caring hands on parents. You are asking generation X and Boomers to take in and care for parents who were legally allowed to beat them. Many parents were hands off allowing their kids to face all sorts of dangerous situations and even within the family when things like molestation and sexual abuse came up the victim was blamed. What is this BS about returning the favor to elders when things like physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse were considered within the normal range? Oh and many of us were lucky to be dumped with strangers during childhood as opposed to just being left alone in what would today be considered neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The milennials are the first generation where it was more the norm to be caring hands on parents. You are asking generation X and Boomers to take in and care for parents who were legally allowed to beat them. Many parents were hands off allowing their kids to face all sorts of dangerous situations and even within the family when things like molestation and sexual abuse came up the victim was blamed. What is this BS about returning the favor to elders when things like physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse were considered within the normal range? Oh and many of us were lucky to be dumped with strangers during childhood as opposed to just being left alone in what would today be considered neglect.

Also, you are asking them to this while raising their own kids-often teenagers and managing work and their own life stressors which can include illness. I know people from these cultures where that are romanticized for taking in elders. The elders are major contributors to the family system-often providing childcare, cooking, etc until no longer able. In cases where the elders are more selfish and were abusive it creates chaos and turmoil in the family when they are taken in.

[Anonymous]

This is really insightful analysis. However, we do need to improve each phase of human life. Hopefully scientists can partner up with geriatricians and Palliative care specialists to use AI for caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The milennials are the first generation where it was more the norm to be caring hands on parents. You are asking generation X and Boomers to take in and care for parents who were legally allowed to beat them. Many parents were hands off allowing their kids to face all sorts of dangerous situations and even within the family when things like molestation and sexual abuse came up the victim was blamed. What is this BS about returning the favor to elders when things like physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse were considered within the normal range? Oh and many of us were lucky to be dumped with strangers during childhood as opposed to just being left alone in what would today be considered neglect.

Absolutely.
I grew up in a household where the parents "wants" took priority of the children's needs. I only owned one pair of pants and 3 shirts, but mom ALWAYS had her cigarettes.
We were left with literal strangers while they traveled to Europe or Hawaii.
I was slapped so hard in the face that my tooth broke, and to this day it still causes me physical pain and emotional pain (because it affects my appearance and is right in front every time I smile.)
And there's a lot more, but I'm already tearing up just typing this.

No way am I dropping everything to care for the people that did this to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The milennials are the first generation where it was more the norm to be caring hands on parents. You are asking generation X and Boomers to take in and care for parents who were legally allowed to beat them. Many parents were hands off allowing their kids to face all sorts of dangerous situations and even within the family when things like molestation and sexual abuse came up the victim was blamed. What is this BS about returning the favor to elders when things like physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse were considered within the normal range? Oh and many of us were lucky to be dumped with strangers during childhood as opposed to just being left alone in what would today be considered neglect.

Absolutely.
I grew up in a household where the parents "wants" took priority of the children's needs. I only owned one pair of pants and 3 shirts, but mom ALWAYS had her cigarettes.
We were left with literal strangers while they traveled to Europe or Hawaii.
I was slapped so hard in the face that my tooth broke, and to this day it still causes me physical pain and emotional pain (because it affects my appearance and is right in front every time I smile.)
And there's a lot more, but I'm already tearing up just typing this.

No way am I dropping everything to care for the people that did this to me.

So the vicious cycle continues...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The milennials are the first generation where it was more the norm to be caring hands on parents. You are asking generation X and Boomers to take in and care for parents who were legally allowed to beat them. Many parents were hands off allowing their kids to face all sorts of dangerous situations and even within the family when things like molestation and sexual abuse came up the victim was blamed. What is this BS about returning the favor to elders when things like physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional abuse were considered within the normal range? Oh and many of us were lucky to be dumped with strangers during childhood as opposed to just being left alone in what would today be considered neglect.

Absolutely.
I grew up in a household where the parents "wants" took priority of the children's needs. I only owned one pair of pants and 3 shirts, but mom ALWAYS had her cigarettes.
We were left with literal strangers while they traveled to Europe or Hawaii.
I was slapped so hard in the face that my tooth broke, and to this day it still causes me physical pain and emotional pain (because it affects my appearance and is right in front every time I smile.)
And there's a lot more, but I'm already tearing up just typing this.

No way am I dropping everything to care for the people that did this to me.

So the vicious cycle continues...

Not sure what you mean by that. You are saying I am "vicious" for not dropping everything to care for my parents?

The "cycle" is not continuing with me, because I don't treat my kids the way my parents treated me.