Not pleased with husband's character

[Anonymous]

Newly married, and I noticed some red flags from my partner.
I am hoping they are fixable, but my intuition is saying probably not.
I don't want to get divorced but I am worried that will happen eventually.
I am just so pissed that he is showing who he is now. Why couldn't he be a jerk before we got married?
I would be gone already.

[Anonymous]

We can’t help you without details.

The answer is probably marriage counselling either way.

[Anonymous]

Double birth control until you figure things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Double birth control until you figure things out.

THIS, above all else right now. Do. Not. Get. Pregnant.

Unless he is abusive, in which case: Leave. You have only recently married, so if he is abusive, leave before you invest more time and emotion in him or the marriage. If you are uncertain if his behaviors are abusive (not all abuse = hitting) -- call a domestic violence hotline ASAP and ask them to talk to you about what abuse looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Double birth control until you figure things out.

THIS, above all else right now. Do. Not. Get. Pregnant.

Unless he is abusive, in which case: Leave. You have only recently married, so if he is abusive, leave before you invest more time and emotion in him or the marriage. If you are uncertain if his behaviors are abusive (not all abuse = hitting) -- call a domestic violence hotline ASAP and ask them to talk to you about what abuse looks like.

Will do

[Anonymous]

Well mine loved bombed me till we got married then showed his true self maybe that's what yours did too. Definitely DO not get pregnant until you figure this out. But I will tell you this, what you are seeing now will get much, much worse over the years if you stay that has been my experience. In hindsight I should have left immediately and not worried about how it looked to others or anything else. Also does he have empathy for others? Mine does not. At all. No emotions either. Bizarre.

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

I know someone who divorced their husband after 6 months. No judgment, there's probably a good reason but since I'm not close to them I don't know it.
Go ahead and find a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Even if he's not abusive, she is allowed to divorce just because they are no longer a good match. Better now than in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Mine sexually assaulted a woman at our wedding (his friend's wife). It was a complete 180 as soon as that wedding day hit. I was already pregnant. Embarking on a very contentious divorce now, 8 years later.

Go. Go now. Some of these more predatory abusers hide it very well.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s very common for abusive men to control themselves until they feel like you are firmly on the hook. There are a few classic stages, at any one of which, the abuser can feel comfortable enough to start testing boundaries. If you do not enforce boundaries, then they escalate the abuse.

Common stages for escalation are: “I live you”, living together, engaged, married, kids.

My physical abuser escalated at the living together stage. My now ex-husband escalated to emotional abuse after the birth of our first child.

[Anonymous]

This is why people shouldn't be marrying randos they don't really know.

[Anonymous]

Can you get the marriage annulled? Is that still a thing?

[Anonymous]

just break up, like you would with a boyfriend
it’s just a contract: BIG DEAL
*%#^ him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s very common for abusive men to control themselves until they feel like you are firmly on the hook. There are a few classic stages, at any one of which, the abuser can feel comfortable enough to start testing boundaries. If you do not enforce boundaries, then they escalate the abuse.

Common stages for escalation are: “I live you”, living together, engaged, married, kids.

My physical abuser escalated at the living together stage. My now ex-husband escalated to emotional abuse after the birth of our first child.

Very sorry this happened to you. Glad you don’t room with this person anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newly married, and I noticed some red flags from my partner.
I am hoping they are fixable, but my intuition is saying probably not.
I don't want to get divorced but I am worried that will happen eventually.
I am just so pissed that he is showing who he is now. Why couldn't he be a jerk before we got married?
I would be gone already.

Give him a little pink eye. Give him a little stink eye. Give me some of that side eye. But don't you ever pry or cry.