Really trying with husband and teen son
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Anonymous
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Lately, it feels like it is so difficult to get my husband or teen son to do anything - I suggest many things (going to the pool together, a movie, a museum, a sporting event). Around 1/4 of the time, they will begrudgingly agree to do what I suggest (the remaining 3/4 they won't), but even when they do, they generally complain about the quality of the movie, sports play, amount of shaded seating available at the pool etc. It feels absolutely draining. I sort of want to give up on trying to get them to do things as a family, but I worry that otherwise, my son literally spends 6-7 hours a day on discord calls with his girlfriend playing video games (they rarely see each other in real life, like maybe 2xs a month - I like her fine and would be happy for her to come over in person).
Is anyone else in this situation? What did you do? |
Anonymous
| How old is your son? |
Anonymous
14 |
Anonymous
| Let go of the idea you are your family’s social director. Give up on your husband- he is an adult and should make his own decisions. You make plans for yourself, let him know, then go and have fun. For your son, you need to take ironclad control of screen time. Control his access to the router with a schedule. There are devices for this. Let us know if you want suggestions of specific equipment or apps. Set up parental controls on all his devices. There is X amount of screen time per day then that is it. He is responsible for entertaining himself and sometimes he is required to accompany you to some activities, even if he doesn’t like it. Just ignore the complaining. The closer he gets to being able to work and manage his own transportation, the less you can do this of course. But you’ve still got a couple years left of having an influence on his activities. |
Anonymous
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I have a similar husband and son. It is what it is. They are introverted Aspie types and every now and then I coax them out of the house. |
Anonymous
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In summary:
* OP is sad that husband won't spend more time with his partner on activities OP wants. * OP is sad that son spends more time with partner on activities son and and partner wants. * OP disrespects husband and son's activities as "not doing anything" OP, reach out and make some more friends/acquaintances to go out with, or find things to do at home more. |
Anonymous
Ignore this bitter poster OP. |
Anonymous
Yes, please! |
Anonymous
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TLDR: Yes, I've stopped trying and, instead, plan for myself.
Yes! I know exactly how you feel - I've got 3 kids (17-20) and was so hurt/frustrated/fed up that I stopped planning things. The last straw was asking them 2 months in advance if they'd like to see a really cool hip hop art exhibition in Baltimore. Everyone said, 'sure'. So, I put it on the calendar, sent everyone an invite via Google Calendar and bought tickets. I also set reminders to pop up so they wouldn't forget. The day before, I give a verbal reminder and 2 of the kids start yelling that they've got work/plans/etc. and that they can't possibly go. They weren't even apologetic. It was more like they'd been put upon and were annoyed that I was expecting them to do this. I was really hurt but, surprisingly, calm when I reminded them they had agreed to go, they'd gotten reminders and asked if they would do to their friends what they'd just done to me - how would they feel if what they'd done to me had been done to them. I cancelled the outing and told them I wouldn't be planning any more. This was just the last example, there are others were I don't even get a 'thanks, mom' for arranging, and paying for, an outing. I get that kids aren't always as polite with parents and don't always feel the need to regulate their emotions. Yet, my kids are old enough to do better. By all accounts, they're really polite, engaging and great to be around - they just spent a week with my family in another states by themselves. They know how to do this. My DH isn't any better unless I remind/fish for thanks. I feel taken advantage of and/or not valued so I'm not doing it any more. Instead, I'm going off by myself and doing it or doing it with friends. It's not my ideal but I'm responsible for my feelings and this is what's best for me. |
Anonymous
I am curious about these tools and apps. Please post. |
Anonymous
| So my rule for the kid would be: screen time limit of 3 hours a day. Exercise any form for 1 hour a day. If he’s not in a camp then some kind of in person class/activity for at least one hour a day. And chores for 1 hour a day (cooking/cleaning or laundry). Dh needs to be on board and help enforce/carpool for this schedule and, for instance, partake in exercise activity if kid resists (ie dad and kid go for bike ride.) |
Anonymous
In fairness, DS does generally go to the gym around 45 minutes most days. |
Anonymous
For full control, buy a Gryphon router. It works in tandem with your normal router. You change the password to your normal router, so only the adults can connect to it. All children’s devices are connected to the Gryphon wifi signal. You download the Gryphon app on your phone that allows you to dictate the times of day and number of hours each child is allowed to connect. You can also cut internet access for any person or device at any time (I regularly use this feature when it’s dinner time and no one heeds my call…). You can also activate filters that do not allow the children to access certain websites. It’s the most secure, un-bypassable way to manage their screen time. It has annoying quirks, like it was preventing my middle schooler from downloading books from Libby, but they have good customer support and I’m willing to deal with some annoyances to have easy and full control. |
Anonymous
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+1 to the router
No wifi and he’s out of the house. |
Anonymous
Follow OP's DH and DS example of ignoring the bitter OP. |