Parents separating - financial

[Anonymous]

My Mom would like to come live with me. My Dad has taken all their savings and used to remodel their house for my older brother (long story but basically, my older brother has never worked - no cognitive or other barrier, just has chosen not to - and my dad has always felt he has to provide for brother even after he dies). He did this without consulting my mom or getting her agreement. I would be happy to have my mom but she has some cognitive issues and trying to figure out how to manage her care financially. To cover her care, would need to sell the house (it’s their only asset) and split the pension (~$6500/mo in total). This would cause a war as it would also mean my brother and his family (he had twins last year 😫) and my dad would have to find new housing and live in a high-cost area and would have to leave to find anything that would be in their price range). I’m not that worried about them honestly but am trying to gear up for what will be a big fight.

Anyone w similar experience and/or recommendations?

[Anonymous]

What an ass! But if I’m understanding correctly, your parents still live together but dad remodeled to allow your brother and his entire family to move in, and because of that, your mom wants to move?

I would take her to see a lawyer, or maybe three. See what they suggest and pick the best one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an ass! But if I’m understanding correctly, your parents still live together but dad remodeled to allow your brother and his entire family to move in, and because of that, your mom wants to move?

I would take her to see a lawyer, or maybe three. See what they suggest and pick the best one.

It doesn't sound like they can afford a lawyer.

OP be very careful about rescuing people. I was into that too. How close are you with your mom? I don't think you understand what her decline could look like. I would figure out how to make it work where she is. If brother is moving in with his family then there will be plenty of people to keep an eye on her. Seriously. She could easily move in with you and turn on you and make you the villain. I didn't move mom in, but I was the one there for her protecting her and she turned on me. It was hell and is hell and I have needed a lot of therapy to detach.

[Anonymous]

Would they get an actual divorce or just live separately? Divorce is expensive and lengthy, so don’t expect quick solutions.

[Anonymous]

I just posted, but have you gotten your dad's side. As my mom loses it she tells wacky paranoid stories based on her misconceptions. Are you sure this is what is really going on? Also, as mentioned, if you have a brother who leeches off them, then he can figure out how to make she is cared for.

[Anonymous]

Is your mom being treated poorly by her husband or son? Does she want a divorce? If not, it seems like it makes more sense for her to stay there.

Maybe you could suggest some solo visits where she comes and stays with you alone for a few days or week or so at a time? You could use annual leave or maybe even sick leave or Fmla while she is there. How far away does she live?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do this until you have a really good idea of her cognitive decline. My mother was really good at masking it. It wasn’t until I went in vacation with her that I realized the full extent if it. No way could I have her live with me since I work and I have teenagers.

You need to encourage her to stay with her dad. Financially they don’t have enough money to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t do this until you have a really good idea of her cognitive decline. My mother was really good at masking it. It wasn’t until I went in vacation with her that I realized the full extent if it. No way could I have her live with me since I work and I have teenagers.

You need to encourage her to stay with her dad. Financially they don’t have enough money to divorce.

I posted already, but agree with this and I think the person meant "your" dad not "her" dad. I have seen this play out in different ways in my family and with friends. The family member with cognitive issues complains incessantly about a family member and everything. Another family member plays rescuer and swoops in and tries to save the day. eventually parent with cognitive issues turns on rescuer and rescuer becomes target and the person she complains about. You start to understand "no good deed goes unpunished." Once she is living in your home, good luck getting her out without massive drama and possible major decline and even illness. I would not even take her for a week.

You know what you can do? Help, don't enable. Suggest they work with a geriatric social worker or therapist. Not your problem if she declines. You could see if they would allow you to hire an aging care expert to assess the situation and make recommendations within their budget.

The good side of your brother moving is there are more people to act as buffers and to keep an eye on her health. If he is too self-0absorbed to do that, not your problem. This is her child not yours.

[Anonymous]

Sorry by "declines" in the second paragraph I mean refuses help, not declines cognitively.