Ill friend is hurt that I haven't been posting/liking her Instagram health journey account

[Anonymous]

She has colon cancer, and I am the type of suggestible person who gets 'phantom symptoms' when I read about stuff. Her IG is very detailed and I had to mute and stop commenting and posting (on the advice of my therapist and DH) -- and she reached out to say she was hurt. I guess I missed a big post. I feel guilty. I want to support her but I can't engage the way she is choosing to, with the long daily updates. Ideas? I feel like a crap friend and do care, but I also know my own capacity and weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Oh that is total BS. I am a cancer survivor myself and that is a ridiculous level of need on her part. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Just don't worry about it. You're under no obligation to engage with the gruesome details. She should understand that.

[Anonymous]

You are entitled to a preference

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh that is total BS. I am a cancer survivor myself and that is a ridiculous level of need on her part. Ignore.

Another cancer survivor here and I agree. This is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I think it's ridiculous on her part as well but can you "like" her posts without viewing/reading them? I only have FB not Instagram so not sure if that is an option.

[Anonymous]

She sounds high-maintenance which may be situation specific but regardless, you can assuage your guilt by being more in contact with her in the real world for real-time health updates. Even a simple text, “Checking in…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has colon cancer, and I am the type of suggestible person who gets 'phantom symptoms' when I read about stuff. Her IG is very detailed and I had to mute and stop commenting and posting (on the advice of my therapist and DH) -- and she reached out to say she was hurt. I guess I missed a big post. I feel guilty. I want to support her but I can't engage the way she is choosing to, with the long daily updates. Ideas? I feel like a crap friend and do care, but I also know my own capacity and weaknesses.

Well this is different than what she said then. It’s not that you don’t like her posts. It’s that you blew off her big update. Presumably she had no idea you muted her so it came off as you not acknowledging the significant news.

[Anonymous]

No, she's wrong. I am sorry to say that about someone who is struggling and I would give her some grace on this issue because she is dealing with cancer, but you were setting a healthy boundary for yourself.

I do think part of the problem is that cancer patients, and anyone dealing with a cancer-level diagnosis, are often encouraged to share their health journey via social media or or sharing tools. The reason is that it is easier to keep people updated this way, then to have to repeat everything every time you see people, or to field inquiries from friends and family all the time. It can also be easier on caregivers.

But I think people need to understand that while this is a great way for many people to keep up with what is going on with you, it doesn't work for everyone and there will be people, like OP, who have valid reasons to need to take a step back. I would just let her know that you need to step back from social media a bit for your own mental health, but let her know you are 100% in her corner and rooting for her, even if that's not appearing in the form of likes and comments. Maybe resolve to drop her a text or something every couple weeks to let her know you are thinking about her, or some other non-Instagram form of engaging with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds high-maintenance which may be situation specific but regardless, you can assuage your guilt by being more in contact with her in the real world for real-time health updates. Even a simple text, “Checking in…”

Yup, this. By muting these posts but also not checking in offline you basically froze her out completely.

[Anonymous]

So ... you don't communicate as she wishes. That's ok. BUT you have to reach out in a way you would otherwise do.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re doing what’s right for you but I feel bad that she is in a bad place so I’d be as empathetic as you can while prioritizing your mental health.

Do you have a good friend who would understand the situation and can follow her feed and maybe just give you a (non overly detailed)heads up when she posts something major so you can send a text? That might be a way you can preserve your mental health but diffuse the drama as a kindness to your ill friend.

I agree you’ve done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, this could be about anything. It's emotionally packed because it's health, and life and death, but some people are like this in relationships about their blog: about their hobby, about their business, FB. They want a larger, less personalized way to communicate. So, IF this relationship is rocky, it may not really be about her life and death health concerns.

[Anonymous]

In fairness, I do engage (OP here) in the way I am comfortable: text. But because I'm not part of her online IG community I missed a big missive. I do try to show support in ways that work for me. Blargh. I'll try to reingage on IG with likes but without reading too much.

[Anonymous]

You feel hurt because you missed this thirst trap's disgusting oversharing of her "health journey" that can be triggering to some? You should unfollow her, what are you waiting for.