Neverending Negativity - What to do?

[Anonymous]

My DH (early 60s) seems to be in a perpetual state of negativity with no end in sight. This has been going on for years now. We've discussed it many times and he admits that he tends to view things negatively, has no real joy in anything and essentially feels like life is nothing but one unhappy challenge after another. Even the smallest things can set him off on a spiral of negativity and constant criticism.

For example, we need to replace a new window and he's gone on and on about how much trouble it's going to be - expensive/being ripped off, that it may take months to get it installed, you can't count on companies to do quality work, etc. He laments about how he is not "handy" and cannot do this kind of repair work himself. There is a relatively minor problem with one of our cars and he has been stewing about it for days because he assumes it's going to turn out to be something very wrong/expensive, the mechanics won't know what they are doing and will make it worse, they will rip him off because he doesn't know cars, etc.

He does not need to work but continues to do so. He complains about it constantly/daily as soon as he walks in the door. I've told him he has many other options - do consulting work, don't work at all, go work somewhere in a completely different field. He will find at least a half dozen reasons why ANY suggestion to improve ANYTHING will not work and is not viable.

His view is skewed. We are healthy, financially secure, have a nice home in a lovely area and can afford to make home repairs/upgrades, travel and do whatever we want.

We have no children together but he has an adult child and grandchildren who live cross country. I've encouraged him to go visit at least quarterly so he can develop a relationship with his grandkids but he won't take off of work to do so, despite having very liberal vacation time. He goes once a year for a weekend. But he will complain that he has "no family."

I've had multiple conversations with him about his viewpoint over the years and I asked him to at the very least consider how the neverending negativity is impacting me. He acknowledges that it does affect me but he seems to be unable/unwilling to try and reframe his thoughts.

His physical health is fine and he did go (briefly) to a therapist a couple of years ago but stopped and (as is typical) had a slew of negative reasons for why it was a "waste of time." When I brought it up again recently he was adamant that it would do no good.

We were never very religious, but he has become an athiest in the past few years and has become increasingly hostile towards anything/anyone that has even the slightest religious hint towards it. For example, if a store clerk simply smiles and says "Have a blessed day" to him, he will give them a dirty look and complain about it as soon as he's out of earshot. So joining any kind of faith-based community is a complete "NO" for him. We have some lovely neighbors who invited us to a neighborhood dinner, and two of the couples casually mentioned going to the same church and you could just see DH's face screw up like someone was talking about defecating.

I've tried to encourage him to volunteer. Of course, any organization that has any kind of religious ties is out. He did join one organization which really needed his professional skills and he's done that for a year. Now he's decided it's a waste of time, has come up with all kinds of negative comments about how the organization is run, and will give them his notice that he is going to quit.

I think I've just about reached my eject mode. I can't see spending my retirement years with a constant complainer and being nothing more than the backboard for his negative rants about life. I am financially secure and not dependent on him or his income.

Has anyone else gone through this? Any suggestions? Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far...

I understand that existential crises are common in mid/later life and happen to many people but it seems like this phase for him that is not going to end. I feel like the proverbial frog in the pot of water which is now beginning to simmer. I may very well be boiled alive if I don't hop out.

[Anonymous]

Ultimatum to your spouse: get help and change or I'm leaving.

Sounds like your spouse could have some kind of anxiety or OCD fueling these negative, ruminating thoughts. Therapy/meds could help, but if he is intractable and refuses to see it as a problem, save yourself and live the life of your dreams instead of staying with this albatross.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my BIL and/or MIL. One has untreated depression and the other is being treated for bipolar. Based on this, I'd say your husband probably has mental health problems that need to be addressed via therapy and/or medication.

[Anonymous]

I think you should do some research and then suggest that you DH consider a psychedelic experience to treat his obvious entrenched depression. Since he is resistant to any suggestion of continued therapy, this would seem to be the best option to help improve his outlook. Ketamine or magic mushrooms would be good options to consider.

Beyond that, I can understand entirely not wanting to spend the rest of your life with somebody who exudes this level of negative energy. Maybe the promise of impending divorce would compel him to at least try something like psychedelic therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH (early 60s) seems to be in a perpetual state of negativity with no end in sight. This has been going on for years now. We've discussed it many times and he admits that he tends to view things negatively, has no real joy in anything and essentially feels like life is nothing but one unhappy challenge after another. Even the smallest things can set him off on a spiral of negativity and constant criticism.

For example, we need to replace a new window and he's gone on and on about how much trouble it's going to be - expensive/being ripped off, that it may take months to get it installed, you can't count on companies to do quality work, etc. He laments about how he is not "handy" and cannot do this kind of repair work himself. There is a relatively minor problem with one of our cars and he has been stewing about it for days because he assumes it's going to turn out to be something very wrong/expensive, the mechanics won't know what they are doing and will make it worse, they will rip him off because he doesn't know cars, etc.

He does not need to work but continues to do so. He complains about it constantly/daily as soon as he walks in the door. I've told him he has many other options - do consulting work, don't work at all, go work somewhere in a completely different field. He will find at least a half dozen reasons why ANY suggestion to improve ANYTHING will not work and is not viable.

His view is skewed. We are healthy, financially secure, have a nice home in a lovely area and can afford to make home repairs/upgrades, travel and do whatever we want.

We have no children together but he has an adult child and grandchildren who live cross country. I've encouraged him to go visit at least quarterly so he can develop a relationship with his grandkids but he won't take off of work to do so, despite having very liberal vacation time. He goes once a year for a weekend. But he will complain that he has "no family."

I've had multiple conversations with him about his viewpoint over the years and I asked him to at the very least consider how the neverending negativity is impacting me. He acknowledges that it does affect me but he seems to be unable/unwilling to try and reframe his thoughts.

His physical health is fine and he did go (briefly) to a therapist a couple of years ago but stopped and (as is typical) had a slew of negative reasons for why it was a "waste of time." When I brought it up again recently he was adamant that it would do no good.

We were never very religious, but he has become an athiest in the past few years and has become increasingly hostile towards anything/anyone that has even the slightest religious hint towards it. For example, if a store clerk simply smiles and says "Have a blessed day" to him, he will give them a dirty look and complain about it as soon as he's out of earshot. So joining any kind of faith-based community is a complete "NO" for him. We have some lovely neighbors who invited us to a neighborhood dinner, and two of the couples casually mentioned going to the same church and you could just see DH's face screw up like someone was talking about defecating.

I've tried to encourage him to volunteer. Of course, any organization that has any kind of religious ties is out. He did join one organization which really needed his professional skills and he's done that for a year. Now he's decided it's a waste of time, has come up with all kinds of negative comments about how the organization is run, and will give them his notice that he is going to quit.

I think I've just about reached my eject mode. I can't see spending my retirement years with a constant complainer and being nothing more than the backboard for his negative rants about life. I am financially secure and not dependent on him or his income.

Has anyone else gone through this? Any suggestions? Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far...

I understand that existential crises are common in mid/later life and happen to many people but it seems like this phase for him that is not going to end. I feel like the proverbial frog in the pot of water which is now beginning to simmer. I may very well be boiled alive if I don't hop out.

LOL. Shut the fire before you get boiled alive!! I can "kinda" understand him (I am about your DH's age, 60 yo guy) but hopefully not as bad as your DH. After working all my life (since i was a teenager), i am tired of everything and i frankly don't give F about others (except my family of course). he may be just tired of life itself - physically and mentally. when you ask him to stop, what does he say?

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. My father is much as you describe your DH, and it is hard and sad to watch. I believe it is a form of depression. Can your DH identify anything that brings him joy or contentment?
I don’t blame you for thinking you may need to get yourself out. You deserve to live better. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Discuss with him again some options for getting help-therapy, a psychiatric evaluation and then detach. He has to be the one to decide, but no need to enable. If he starts venting and you cannot take it simply say "I am not trained to deal with this. It's your choice whether you get counseling, but I am n0ot able to help you with this." Take care of yourself. Figure out your boundaries.

I have family members like this and they had to hit rock bottom misery to finally get help. Therapy and meds make a world of distance, but everytime they stop they cycle back into a vortex of misery trying to suck others into it.

[Anonymous]

It would drive me crazy. Ask "is there anything I can do?". Of course there will be nothing and then you're done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would drive me crazy. Ask "is there anything I can do?". Of course there will be nothing and then you're done.

Wish it was that simple. There is no "done" when your spouse is like this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone for responding ... it has been very helpful. I appreciate all of your suggestions/advice/experiences.

I guess chronic negativity is akin to other conditions where there can be no intervention or help until the person can admit to the problem and be willing to try and change.

[Anonymous]

^ Wanted to add: To PP who used the phrase "vortex of misery." That's exactly what I said to DH except I said he seems to gets swept up in a "vortex of negativity" and can't seem to bring himself out of it.

His response? "But...but...but" with a string of so-called legitimate excuses of why he can't seem to shake this.

[Anonymous]

OP - It is important for you to talk to a therapist to get some professional advice and just encouragement on ways that you can disengage from your DH to have a break from his negativity. If you have friends from college etc that you could reconnect with to go visit or extended family on your side, you might consider trying to reconnect. Also, consider what are your individual interests and how you might pursue them more fully. Do you have a girl friend you would consider taking even a short weekend trip with? Perhaps if you DH seeing you starting to take independent steps in life, he will be willing to consider the sensible suggestions you have mad.e

[Anonymous]

Op, you have no kids together.

Without kids, you should divorce. You can remain friends, perhaps. Perhaps that will be possible. Friends are respectful to each other. He is not. He is rude. Yes, he's probably suffering. Yes, he's probably anxious and it's his anxiety that's causing all of this. This is not a reasonable burden for you to bare. It's been going on too long without enough action from him.

The only other way this might work is: make sure you have control of 50% of your joint assets. Live your life. Be home a lot less. A whole lot less. Every single problem, thing that needs fixing -- you do, without discussion. If you are living as if he wasn't there, then everything gets done by you, without a discussion with him. And regarding his complaints about things that involve just him, you aren't around much to hear it.

I would, though, choose the divorce instead.

[Anonymous]

I'm very much like your DH when it comes to getting home repairs. Homeownership is a constant pain and you just can't win with repair companies.

[Anonymous]

Why would you marry someone that has almost no relationship with their kids/grandkids? That is a huge red flag.

If I were you, I would cut my losses asap. He sounds miserable and it isn’t your job to save him from himself.