Why do some elderly people develop signs of dementia soon after their spouse dies?

[Anonymous]

I've noticed it in 3 elderly people I know.

Two of my relatives, one male, one female, developed signs of dementia quite soon after their long term spouse had died.

With the female relative it literally started within a couple of weeks after her husband died. Her mobility and her eyesight had been poor for a couple of years anyway and she couldn't live independently at home anymore without her husband being there to take care of the household, so she was moved into a nursing home.

My MIL started showing signs of forgetfulness and then early signs of dementia after FIL died. She is now in medium stage dementia.

All these people were in their 80s and had been married to their spouse for 50+ years.

[Anonymous]

They don’t develop it after the spouse dies, it was already there when the spouse was alive and they could help them compensate. The stress of losing their spouse can certainly worsen it.

[Anonymous]

No one noticed before is all. Their spouse helped them manage their every day lives and they had fewer interactions with everyone else. All of a sudden, day to day life is vastly different than before, which is disconcerting & disorienting, plus more interaction —> more opportunity for people to notice issues that had been there for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t develop it after the spouse dies, it was already there when the spouse was alive and they could help them compensate. The stress of losing their spouse can certainly worsen it.

This, plus I think it's worth truly recognizing how destabilizing it is to lose a spouse at any point in the marriage, but for folks who have been married 50+ years, the loss of that stability can contribute to a rapid decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t develop it after the spouse dies, it was already there when the spouse was alive and they could help them compensate. The stress of losing their spouse can certainly worsen it.

This. I noticed a decline in my mother during dad's last few years and everyone said it was just the stress and she would be fine once he passed. She was NOT fine. I think the stress makes the decline more rapid and the rigidity from dementia made it so everything I pushed for-adult day care, caregivers for hire and eventually memory care were met with massive resistance, but once accepted and she got some relief, the decline slowed until the next ordeal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies.

Interesting. We never noticed any signs of cognitive decline in MIL when FIL was alive. As a matter of fact FIL was in poor health the last couple of years of his life, and it was MIL who took care of him and their household (they did have a cleaner).

After FIL died, MIL at age 82 seemed OK on her own at first. She was getting a lot of practical help from her daughters, who live close to her, and from her cleaner.
But then she started showing signs of forgetfulness and later signs of dementia.

After FIL died, MIL sadly never tried to build a social life for herself as a widow. She didn't seek the company of other people her age, or other widows, and never joined groups of people with shared interests.
She just wanted her adult kids to take care of her, keep her company and take her places.
I think it's a shame she never really had her own friends after FIL's death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies.

Interesting. We never noticed any signs of cognitive decline in MIL when FIL was alive. As a matter of fact FIL was in poor health the last couple of years of his life, and it was MIL who took care of him and their household (they did have a cleaner).

After FIL died, MIL at age 82 seemed OK on her own at first. She was getting a lot of practical help from her daughters, who live close to her, and from her cleaner.
But then she started showing signs of forgetfulness and later signs of dementia.

After FIL died, MIL sadly never tried to build a social life for herself as a widow. She didn't seek the company of other people her age, or other widows, and never joined groups of people with shared interests.
She just wanted her adult kids to take care of her, keep her company and take her places.
I think it's a shame she never really had her own friends after FIL's death.

I don’t understand this expectation. How in the world can you expect an 82 yo with signs of dementia to suddenly start building a social life? It’s very hard for elderly people, especially those who live in the suburbs and are car dependent, to socialize. You really turn into yourself. Many people their age are dying, in poor health, or not particularly fun. 82 is VERY different than 72.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t develop it after the spouse dies, it was already there when the spouse was alive and they could help them compensate. The stress of losing their spouse can certainly worsen it.

+1

Also, seniors are good at masking their memory issues for a long time - especially if they are smart. My dad did this and it wasn't until I was around him regularly that I was able to see what he was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies.

Interesting. We never noticed any signs of cognitive decline in MIL when FIL was alive. As a matter of fact FIL was in poor health the last couple of years of his life, and it was MIL who took care of him and their household (they did have a cleaner).

After FIL died, MIL at age 82 seemed OK on her own at first. She was getting a lot of practical help from her daughters, who live close to her, and from her cleaner.
But then she started showing signs of forgetfulness and later signs of dementia.

After FIL died, MIL sadly never tried to build a social life for herself as a widow. She didn't seek the company of other people her age, or other widows, and never joined groups of people with shared interests.
She just wanted her adult kids to take care of her, keep her company and take her places.
I think it's a shame she never really had her own friends after FIL's death.

I don’t understand this expectation. How in the world can you expect an 82 yo with signs of dementia to suddenly start building a social life? It’s very hard for elderly people, especially those who live in the suburbs and are car dependent, to socialize. You really turn into yourself. Many people their age are dying, in poor health, or not particularly fun. 82 is VERY different than 72.

OP here. I meant she could have tried to build some kind of social life for herself after FIL died, and before she was diagnosed with dementia.
She was 82 when he died and she seemed OK for around 3 years before we noticed changes in her.

By contrast, I know an elderly man, age 86, who is a widower and lives on his own in an apartment. His adult children don't live close to him.
He once told me he refused to stay at home between the same four walls, and his secret to old age was to stay active. He has a social diary to be jealous of!
One day he goes swimming, the next he plays cards with friends, the following day he goes to a play or the opera. He swims 3 times a week. He travels with tour groups.
He once said 'why should I lock myself up at home and waste my time just because my kids don't live close and don't visit often'.

[Anonymous]

There are many seniors who have had transient ischemic attacks (TIA) commonly called "mini strokes". These are often not noticed as medical issues. A patient can have headaches, migraines, mild memory loss, temporary weakness on one side of the body, etc and within 24 hours the effects go away. Many of these episodes are undocumented and untriaged. However, these TIAs can have cumulative effects.

When a senior experiences a major life trauma, like losing a long-term spouse, it can often trigger a more serious stroke or mini-stroke. One of the effects of multiple mini-strokes, is that it can cause the onset of vascular dementia.

So, my guess is that some of the seniors who develop dementia after the death of a spouse have had one or more TIAs prior and that they experience a more serious attack and that initiates the onset of vascular dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many seniors who have had transient ischemic attacks (TIA) commonly called "mini strokes". These are often not noticed as medical issues. A patient can have headaches, migraines, mild memory loss, temporary weakness on one side of the body, etc and within 24 hours the effects go away. Many of these episodes are undocumented and untriaged. However, these TIAs can have cumulative effects.

When a senior experiences a major life trauma, like losing a long-term spouse, it can often trigger a more serious stroke or mini-stroke. One of the effects of multiple mini-strokes, is that it can cause the onset of vascular dementia.

So, my guess is that some of the seniors who develop dementia after the death of a spouse have had one or more TIAs prior and that they experience a more serious attack and that initiates the onset of vascular dementia.

This was my parent, siblings still in denial.

[Anonymous]

Even if your senior family member is not ready for assisted living, memory care or a caregiver it might be a good idea to convince them to move to an over 55 community with lots of activities and facilities to choose from. I did this myself as a person in my mid 60s and totally by accident (good fortune!) found myself enjoying new friendships, fun activities and good exercise options (gym, pool, nearby bike trail and golf course) when all I was looking for was a nice, affordable condo for my retirement.

Not all 55+ communities have what I'm talking about so you have to look carefully. Mine has a meeting room, kitchen, library, game room with pool tables and darts, a ping pong table, a gym, sauna, pool, shuffleboard and pickle ball.

Activities include several opportunities to play cards each week, trivia, bingo, movie night, cookouts, potlucks, holiday events, crafts, drumming, water exercise, musical events, and I'm sure there's more I'm not thinking of.

I don't do all those things, nobody does, but you can pick and choose what interests you and fits with your preferred schedule. I have been amazed at the people I've met from their 50s to their 90s, some who are infirm and many who are quite active. Many have known each other for years but new people are welcomed.

I am very grateful to have this social network of friends and activities who not only keep each other company but help each other out as needed. My adult kids are also part of my life, my daughter comes to visit often and joins in whatever event or activity I am participating in.

I think this lifestyle is much better for seniors than being isolated in a house or apartment where they have to find friends and activities. Nobody is forcing anybody to do anything here but everything is close by and easy to attend or get involved in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if your senior family member is not ready for assisted living, memory care or a caregiver it might be a good idea to convince them to move to an over 55 community with lots of activities and facilities to choose from. I did this myself as a person in my mid 60s and totally by accident (good fortune!) found myself enjoying new friendships, fun activities and good exercise options (gym, pool, nearby bike trail and golf course) when all I was looking for was a nice, affordable condo for my retirement.

Not all 55+ communities have what I'm talking about so you have to look carefully. Mine has a meeting room, kitchen, library, game room with pool tables and darts, a ping pong table, a gym, sauna, pool, shuffleboard and pickle ball.

Activities include several opportunities to play cards each week, trivia, bingo, movie night, cookouts, potlucks, holiday events, crafts, drumming, water exercise, musical events, and I'm sure there's more I'm not thinking of.

I don't do all those things, nobody does, but you can pick and choose what interests you and fits with your preferred schedule. I have been amazed at the people I've met from their 50s to their 90s, some who are infirm and many who are quite active. Many have known each other for years but new people are welcomed.

Sounds nice. Where is your facility?

I am very grateful to have this social network of friends and activities who not only keep each other company but help each other out as needed. My adult kids are also part of my life, my daughter comes to visit often and joins in whatever event or activity I am participating in.

I think this lifestyle is much better for seniors than being isolated in a house or apartment where they have to find friends and activities. Nobody is forcing anybody to do anything here but everything is close by and easy to attend or get involved in.

[Anonymous]

Sounds nice. Where is your facility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies.

Interesting. We never noticed any signs of cognitive decline in MIL when FIL was alive. As a matter of fact FIL was in poor health the last couple of years of his life, and it was MIL who took care of him and their household (they did have a cleaner).

After FIL died, MIL at age 82 seemed OK on her own at first. She was getting a lot of practical help from her daughters, who live close to her, and from her cleaner.
But then she started showing signs of forgetfulness and later signs of dementia.

After FIL died, MIL sadly never tried to build a social life for herself as a widow. She didn't seek the company of other people her age, or other widows, and never joined groups of people with shared interests.
She just wanted her adult kids to take care of her, keep her company and take her places.
I think it's a shame she never really had her own friends after FIL's death.

I don’t understand this expectation. How in the world can you expect an 82 yo with signs of dementia to suddenly start building a social life? It’s very hard for elderly people, especially those who live in the suburbs and are car dependent, to socialize. You really turn into yourself. Many people their age are dying, in poor health, or not particularly fun. 82 is VERY different than 72.

OP here. I meant she could have tried to build some kind of social life for herself after FIL died, and before she was diagnosed with dementia.
She was 82 when he died and she seemed OK for around 3 years before we noticed changes in her.

By contrast, I know an elderly man, age 86, who is a widower and lives on his own in an apartment. His adult children don't live close to him.
He once told me he refused to stay at home between the same four walls, and his secret to old age was to stay active. He has a social diary to be jealous of!
One day he goes swimming, the next he plays cards with friends, the following day he goes to a play or the opera. He swims 3 times a week. He travels with tour groups.
He once said 'why should I lock myself up at home and waste my time just because my kids don't live close and don't visit often'.

I think what you’ve just described is that people are different. Even old people.

Noticing the onset of dementia when a person is 85, 3 years after the death of their spouse, doesn’t seem particularly soon after the death.