is this a typical experience? So frustrated!

[Anonymous]

Nine months into working with our nanny she seems to really be phoning it in. She's a career nanny who had 100% glowing reviews and says she loves working with us and our toddler, yet we've noticed she:

-does no activities that require any setup, incl. crafts, music, bubbles/water play we've made available (or even set up for her)
-goes long periods without talking to our child (we mostly WFH, she will often start talking the 1/2x a day we come through their space)
-resisting a switch to a 1 nap schedule though he's over 1.5 years and I've requested it several times (as it works well for us on weekends). So he's sleeping ~2.5 hours a day total while she's mostly taking a break/on her phone

I get that toddlers are exhausting. I certainly don't expect her to chat with him constantly or come up with new activities all the time. But I do expect her to take some initiative and that I shouldn't have to push for what seem like super basic things.

Is this typical?? It took a long time to find her and she was so great and engaging at first, and now my husband wants to switch to a daycare so our son can get more interaction and activities. Recognizing it's my problem for not being more direct with her and dread the thought of firing her (or anyone), this is so frustrating! Seems like so many other families recommend their "incredible" or "amazing" nannies they've had for years, yet they are switching to daycare. At first I wondered why we had a difficult time finding someone so wonderful, but now I wonder. Are these parents likely in a similar boat as us but not saying so? Of course school becomes a necessity at some point but I did not expect to have to make a switch this soon.

Thanks for letting me vent, or for any input!

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's feels you're micromanage too much bc you are insisting you and your kid play with XYZ or you're coming across as pushy with all your craft ideas you seem to insist on.

What does the nanny say as to why she doesn't use the water table (too much of a hassle to change a soaked toddler?), for example?

Does she have other fun ideas or silly games or playtime with your kid?

Maybe she's into the "don't fix what's not broken" mentality so she doesn't want your unsolicited advice.

[Anonymous]

You need to be direct. "Sue, today please set Jake up to finger paint on the table outside and clean him up before he comes in. Also, from now on, he's only to go down for a nap after lunch, from 1pm to 3pm. No more morning naps. Thanks!"

[Anonymous]

Those specific things don't seem to be a big deal to me. Does your child seem happy? That's all I would go by.
I think it OK to let your child lead the way and not to be constantly talking to them or setting up things to play. If your child is happily playing with a cardboard box quietly for a long period of time, let them! It's good for developing independent play and concentration. If your child is tired, he should nap, there is not a magic cutoff to drop to one nap.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. We had this with our last nanny. She was a great person but stopped engaging but we had a couple months left before 3 and preschool so we let it go.
You need to have a calm conversation about needing certain things to happen. Like talking with the kid (very important). Reading books for sure. Mention again about activities, say you'd like 2 craft times a week or whatever and offer outdoor space (if available) so jts not too messy. I switched both my kids at 3 from nannies. They need more interaction, to learn how to play together and share and its way more fun with crafts every day and activities etc. My kids nap well at daycare but they are so active they also fall asleep well at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's feels you're micromanage too much bc you are insisting you and your kid play with XYZ or you're coming across as pushy with all your craft ideas you seem to insist on.

What does the nanny say as to why she doesn't use the water table (too much of a hassle to change a soaked toddler?), for example?

Does she have other fun ideas or silly games or playtime with your kid?

Maybe she's into the "don't fix what's not broken" mentality so she doesn't want your unsolicited advice.

We don’t micromanage her whatsoever. They’ve done the same thing every day since she started (read, blocks, and go to the playground), but he’s not a baby anymore. We’ve purchased stuff for activities SHE suggested that have gone unused, like finger paints and bubbles. We don’t have a water table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be direct. "Sue, today please set Jake up to finger paint on the table outside and clean him up before he comes in. Also, from now on, he's only to go down for a nap after lunch, from 1pm to 3pm. No more morning naps. Thanks!"

Thank you. I don’t know why this is a challenge for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those specific things don't seem to be a big deal to me. Does your child seem happy? That's all I would go by.
I think it OK to let your child lead the way and not to be constantly talking to them or setting up things to play. If your child is happily playing with a cardboard box quietly for a long period of time, let them! It's good for developing independent play and concentration. If your child is tired, he should nap, there is not a magic cutoff to drop to one nap.

Agreed with you there, that’s been my hesitation. It was really when I noticed him being chatty with no response, or her talking to him as soon as we were in the vicinity, that I started getting concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be direct. "Sue, today please set Jake up to finger paint on the table outside and clean him up before he comes in. Also, from now on, he's only to go down for a nap after lunch, from 1pm to 3pm. No more morning naps. Thanks!"

Thank you. I don’t know why this is a challenge for me!

Some people think being direct makes them rude. I think being direct makes me clear. I am setting you up to succeed come review/raise/bonus time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah. We had this with our last nanny. She was a great person but stopped engaging but we had a couple months left before 3 and preschool so we let it go.
You need to have a calm conversation about needing certain things to happen. Like talking with the kid (very important). Reading books for sure. Mention again about activities, say you'd like 2 craft times a week or whatever and offer outdoor space (if available) so jts not too messy. I switched both my kids at 3 from nannies. They need more interaction, to learn how to play together and share and its way more fun with crafts every day and activities etc. My kids nap well at daycare but they are so active they also fall asleep well at night.

Thank you! Just curious how you let her go under those circumstances? And if you helped her find a new job? I don’t want to leave her in a bind but not sure how I can wholeheartedly recommend in good faith.

[Anonymous]

It’s possible she’s just not a fan of the 1.5 age. They’re super mobile, but also still putting everything in their mouths and can’t really engage in “play”. My mom tried to get my 1.5 yr old to finger paint and immediate gave up because obviously the activity will last about 3 minutes and cause a huge mess. If your child is happy, I’d let it go. He doesn’t need to finger paint.

On the nap though - just be direct. “We are switching his nap to 1-3.” If she goes off schedule, just correct her.

[Anonymous]

You WFH...its too much. I am not an actor...she probably isnt either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah. We had this with our last nanny. She was a great person but stopped engaging but we had a couple months left before 3 and preschool so we let it go.
You need to have a calm conversation about needing certain things to happen. Like talking with the kid (very important). Reading books for sure. Mention again about activities, say you'd like 2 craft times a week or whatever and offer outdoor space (if available) so jts not too messy. I switched both my kids at 3 from nannies. They need more interaction, to learn how to play together and share and its way more fun with crafts every day and activities etc. My kids nap well at daycare but they are so active they also fall asleep well at night.

Thank you! Just curious how you let her go under those circumstances? And if you helped her find a new job? I don’t want to leave her in a bind but not sure how I can wholeheartedly recommend in good faith.

NP here: You don't help them find a new job when you're firing them! You can give two weeks notice (We won't need you after June 15th) AFTER you've secured a start date for the new childcare arrangement. Or you can just tell them at the end of a day "We won't need you any longer, please give me your key. Here's your final check plus a two week bonus." I would only give the two weeks for a full time nanny because they often live paycheck to paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You WFH...its too much. I am not an actor...she probably isnt either.

OP here - I don’t understand how for a childcare professional it would be “acting” to basically do your job. We all have to turn it on a bit at work. How is this any different and how am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

op Im not asking this judgementally but are you paying going market rate on the books with good benefits?

We were advised by most of our friends that they were paying $23-25/hr so thats what we started our search at. We were finding ok nannies but largely lackluster in the activities department like you describe. Once we bumped up to $28-30/hr per an agency's recommendation, we had great options and have been very happy.