Anyone else parentified by their parents?

[Anonymous]

I am having the realization that I’ve had to emotionally support my parents since I was a teenager, and I didn’t feel like I revived emotional support.

How can I heal now as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having the realization that I’ve had to emotionally support my parents since I was a teenager, and I didn’t feel like I revived emotional support.

How can I heal now as an adult?

This with my mom who had an extremely difficult childhood herself. My earliest memories of this are from when I was super young - 7 or 8. I have a more distant relationship with her than I would like and that is definitely partially why. But mostly I’ve just let it go over time. It is what it is and I can’t change those aspects of my upbringing. So I try to focus on the good memories. It’s hard. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having the realization that I’ve had to emotionally support my parents since I was a teenager, and I didn’t feel like I revived emotional support.

How can I heal now as an adult?

What do you want to heal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am having the realization that I’ve had to emotionally support my parents since I was a teenager, and I didn’t feel like I revived emotional support.

How can I heal now as an adult?

What do you want to heal?

+1. What do you need healed? Lots of people have been in your position. They usually get emotional support somewhere else, if they can't get it from their parents.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist have to say about this?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have been my mothers confidant since about age 4 or 5. She would also try to turn me against people and then when she liked then again she was livid when I was petrified of them. I could go on and on, but I have learned to just accept it. I like the book recommended here a lot called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. i have major boundaries with her these days so i can parent my own children. She hates it and hates me for it, but so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have been my mothers confidant since about age 4 or 5. She would also try to turn me against people and then when she liked then again she was livid when I was petrified of them. I could go on and on, but I have learned to just accept it. I like the book recommended here a lot called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. i have major boundaries with her these days so i can parent my own children. She hates it and hates me for it, but so be it.

What kinds of boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have been my mothers confidant since about age 4 or 5. She would also try to turn me against people and then when she liked then again she was livid when I was petrified of them. I could go on and on, but I have learned to just accept it. I like the book recommended here a lot called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. i have major boundaries with her these days so i can parent my own children. She hates it and hates me for it, but so be it.

+1 on that book

My parents have been more accepting of my boundaries, partly because I moved far away so they are easier to enforce. But also partly because in recent years, they have started having bad issues with my siblings, with who they have terrible-to-know boundaries, and it’s made them realize that my boundaries make our relationship more functional.

Therapy helps. So dies journaling. There are simply SO MANY issues that come up from having been emotionally neglected/abandoned at such a young age, and not even weekly therapy is enough to address it all, so being able to journal it out helps.

I’m a mom, too, and in some ways this is incredibly hard because parenting when you were poorly patented is difficult (I am “reparenting” myself as I go along, per my therapist, if you’re a parent I recommend looking into this). But also, there is something healing about giving my child what I didn’t have. It’s like it’s painful/hard in the short term but the long term rewards are meaningful.

[Anonymous]

^typos! I’m on my phone. You get the gist.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your parents were and are emotionally immature. I am not sure what kind of healing is required though?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I often have to tell my mom to quit complaining about my dad to me, I'm not your marriage therapist.

[Anonymous]

I was definitely a parentified child. My mother is a hoarder and up until recently she was also a very heavy drinker.

I’ve been to therapy. For me time and setting boundaries have helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was definitely a parentified child. My mother is a hoarder and up until recently she was also a very heavy drinker.

I’ve been to therapy. For me time and setting boundaries have helped.

+1 (minus the drinking but plus living a couple hours away to minimize effects)

[Anonymous]

This book is pretty highly regarded: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_3?hvadid=604486356183&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9007577&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6189766189379098724&hvtargid=kwd-1651554383471&hydadcr=22597_13493304&keywords=adult+children+with+immature+parents&qid=1685631294&sr=8-3

[Anonymous]

If you were parentified the odds are high that you experienced a lot of trauma. IDK why people here are playing dumb and acting like they don’t know what you could have to heal because that seems obvious. No real advice—therapy!