Words to use with DH…

[Anonymous]

… Other than “get over yourself”?

Every time one of our kids has an event he doesn’t agree with—primarily school send-off “graduations” and “participation” trophies—he makes a big deal about how stupid they are. When our oldest was in Preschool and then again in K he made a big deal about how you “don’t graduate preschool/K”. DC was too young at the time to pickup on it. Because of COVID, our youngest missed this experience. But now oldest is moving on to middle school and will have a “send off” ceremony, and then a few days later, a “clap out”. DC is really excited about it and expects her father to be there. I already told him about the ceremony, and he had a fit (it’s a secret event so DC didn’t hear.) I want to quell him in a more mature way than by saying, “Grow up!” Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Just nod and smile and tune out. Ask yourself every time, is this the battle I want to pick?

I agree with him btw. This stuff is over the top

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just nod and smile and tune out. Ask yourself every time, is this the battle I want to pick?

I agree with him btw. This stuff is over the top

I neither agree nor disagree, but DC is excited about the event and wants their dad there. I’m warring between not coddling my child with these “things” and also raising a confident girl who doesn’t have “daddy issues” because her dad never showed up for her, or made fun of everything he did show up for.

[Anonymous]

My husband could never make any of these events because of his job. I think as one parent comes it's ok. Maybe he can buy her flowers or balloons to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

I would drop the rope. Tell him “get over yourself. This is an important event and DD will feel sad if you aren’t there. The other dads will be there. Your choice.” Then drop it.

Right now he’s making it into a power struggle with you. That’s his choice. You can’t force him to be a good parent but you don’t need to sugar coat it for him, and you also are not responsible for his failures.

[Anonymous]

I understand that you don’t agree with xyz and would choose not to have it if it were up to you. However, it’s happening anyway and since DC is only [age], they are really excited about it. Maybe when they are older they’ll agree with you that it’s stupid but right now they think it’s fun. Let’s not ruin that for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just nod and smile and tune out. Ask yourself every time, is this the battle I want to pick?

I agree with him btw. This stuff is over the top

I neither agree nor disagree, but DC is excited about the event and wants their dad there. I’m warring between not coddling my child with these “things” and also raising a confident girl who doesn’t have “daddy issues” because her dad never showed up for her, or made fun of everything he did show up for.

There’s not actually a war. Your kid is not going to be coddled or spoiled by these little things, whether they are unnecessary or not. And a dad who can’t be a bigger person for the sake of his kid for a couple of days is a dad that’s going to fail in other ways over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just nod and smile and tune out. Ask yourself every time, is this the battle I want to pick?

I agree with him btw. This stuff is over the top

I neither agree nor disagree, but DC is excited about the event and wants their dad there. I’m warring between not coddling my child with these “things” and also raising a confident girl who doesn’t have “daddy issues” because her dad never showed up for her, or made fun of everything he did show up for.

My father has a similar attitude to your DH’s. Does your DH show up to other events he sees the value in? Does he praise her for her hard work and achievements? If so, a little “this is dumb” regarding certain ceremonies and awards is fine and healthy; it’s good for her to learn that different people, even her two parents and her, put different emphasis on different things. Don’t fight him on it and just show up yourself.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you know he doesn’t agree with it and to let your kid enjoy it.

Let him stew over really stupid stuff. But don’t let him ruin it for your kids. Chances are he’d be such a jerk at the event he shouldn’t go. Start protecting your kid now from wasted negative emotions like his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just nod and smile and tune out. Ask yourself every time, is this the battle I want to pick?

I agree with him btw. This stuff is over the top

I neither agree nor disagree, but DC is excited about the event and wants their dad there. I’m warring between not coddling my child with these “things” and also raising a confident girl who doesn’t have “daddy issues” because her dad never showed up for her, or made fun of everything he did show up for.

There’s not actually a war. Your kid is not going to be coddled or spoiled by these little things, whether they are unnecessary or not. And a dad who can’t be a bigger person for the sake of his kid for a couple of days is a dad that’s going to fail in other ways over the years.

Agree. And - the only reason Dad likely
feels entitled to whine about this is because he knows (expressly or not) that Mom will show up at the events and be the social-emotional glue for the children. He can whine and pretend it doesn’t matter because he knows Mom will do it.

My guess is this attitude is not limited to school events. It’s very reminiscent of the overall “default parent” argument, where dads claim that everything moms do beyond keeping kids from literally starving is “pointless make work.” The dad who refuses to go to the 5th grade promotion ceremony because it is “dumb” is the same guy who does nothing to plan and prepare for holidays because “who cares, we can order out and use paper plates.”

[Anonymous]

I tell my DH not to look at these events through the eyes of a middle aged adult
They are meant to be experienced by the child.

He got that as both of our parents interacted minimally with our schools, so really didn't care enough to speak badly of these things. I tell him to just imitate his parents and keep his mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to attend every argument you are invited to.

[Anonymous]

I’d just say, “well it’s important to (kids name)” and ask if he’s going to go. I went to many kid things solo and my kids are just fine. Even if things are stupid (which preschool graduation fits that category for me but send off and clap it out don’t) I go because it makes my kids happy. But it’s really fine for just one parent to go.

[Anonymous]

"You have your opinions about this, and that's fine. You can vent to me, but not to our kid. Let them enjoy these childhood events without having dad's commentary behind it."

Then listen to his rant and just keep cleaning or sorting socks and don't respond.

[Anonymous]

Paraphrase back to him: “So you don’t agree with the importance of these ceremonies. You think they’re a waste of time. Did I get that right?”

He agrees. He feels acknowledged.

“Our daughter, however, has a different take. She does see these as valuable experiences. And it’s really important that she shares it with one of the people she loves most in this world—you, her father. What supports do you need to be able to regulate your dislike for this and to be there for your daughter?”

Listen to what he says. Maybe he asks that he can leave as soon as pictures are done. If you can help support him, do it. My guess is that he will say nothing.