How to help sisters foster good relationship

[Anonymous]

My two girls are young (6 and 8) but their personalities seem to clash so much. I want to try and foster a good relationship between them but am not sure how.

My older daughter has some mild anxiety and sensitivities that my younger daughter doesn’t have. Older DD has very close group of friends, is less outgoing and more introspective.

Younger DD is very outgoing, makes friends easily and definitely more extroverted.

Unfortunately for right now they share a room and that seems to have made it worse rather than better. DD1 is very organized and neat. DD2 is unorganized and a hoarder.

Basically they are polar opposites.

There are glimpses when they play nicely together and seem to genuinely enjoy each other but in general they seem to rub each other the wrong way.

Weirdly they both get along well with their younger brother. And that causes competition on which one he prefers at one time or another.

How do I help them realize that their sister relationship is something to value and cherish? I am very very close with my sister and I would love to imagine that my girls will have a similar relationship when they get older.

[Anonymous]

I think you can’t force them to like each other. My kids are also super different from each other and that’s just how it is. I don’t allow name calling, rude speech or anything like that but you can’t make them appreciate each other. If they do anything nicely together praise that a lot and notice any activity they both enjoy and facilitate that. My daughter does not love sports like her younger brother but she will participate in a few, which is good exercise too. If you see one of them being flexible to accommodate their sibling, praise that. If you notice they’ve done something kind and it makes the other one happy, point that out. I read that somewhere and my oldest in particular seems delighted to have made her younger brother happy through kindness.

But mostly I think you can not make things worse by pitting them against each other or comparing or trying to force activities that aren’t working.

[Anonymous]

My daughters have very different personalities but for the most part get along well. What I’ve done is over the top praise any kind acts towards each other and incentivized team work, (i.e, If you both clean the basement toys together without fighting we will go and get ice cream). I did that a lot when they were younger and now at 7 and 10 they just kind of know they need to work together. I also did and still do a lot of “girl time”. Monthly sleep overs with me (mom) - girl talk, nails, books, whatever they wanted. They love it so much and it really helps us bond. I think you need to insert yourself in the relationship and do things where the three of you have a lot of fun together and they will start to relate to one another through that relationship. Not sure if that makes sense but I think my daughters’ bond is strong because I have formed this strong group bond (as well as individual).

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad you are working on this. I had a very difficult time with my sister, a year younger, with opposite temperaments, and she died in high school before we could repair things.

I think making the shared room work is key. Perhaps they can choose some things together for the room, like tiny lights. You can try to help the messy one confine her stuff to her area. If the older one has a friend over, find something for the younger one to do.

I also would praise every sisterly action you see. If one has an accomplishment, help the other one make her a congratulatory card.

You can also talk to them about what being family means to you and ask them their views. If respect is always modeled in the home, they will pick it up. You can say something about competition to them when you see it. “I wonder if your feelings are hurt because Charlie wants to play with Susie and not you? Do you know that it’s not because there is anything wrong with you? It is just life.”

[Anonymous]

It's mostly a phase they should get through as they learn more about each other. My younger sister and I are a year apart and night and day in terms of personality. We used to fight all the time at that age. We are extremely close now.

However, I would take some steps to improve their current situation ( and for your own peace- our fighting drove my parents crazy).Talk to them like you would an adult. Explain the benefits of relationships and how a relationship is a 2 way street. Guide them to draw boundaries that are firm and respectful.

Tell the younger one that it is important to respect other people's spaces and guide her to keep her toys in her own area of the room. If the room is big enough, use a divider and make each girl's section a little unique.

When my children were those ages, my older one was much more caring than her younger sister. If she got something to eat from the counter or the fridge, she would remember to get one for her sister. She was always that way. I would tell the then 6 year old that relationships are reciprocal and intentional, and if she appreciated that her big sister always thought about her, she had an obligation to do the same for her big sister.

When my older daughter needed space, I would explain it to my younger one and guide her to something she could do by herself or with me if possible.

[Anonymous]

Is their room a play room or could you just make it more a “this is where you dress and sleep” place, to simplify the clashing personalities?

I have two girls sharing a room but their personalities don’t really come out because it’s just their beds, dressers and a desk.

[Anonymous]

They’re little kids. I know a family with two daughters who sound exactly as you described. It’s almost uncanny. As young adults they are thick as thieves.

Let them find their own way. In all likelihood it will lead to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is their room a play room or could you just make it more a “this is where you dress and sleep” place, to simplify the clashing personalities?

I have two girls sharing a room but their personalities don’t really come out because it’s just their beds, dressers and a desk.

OP here - their room isn't a play room but DD2 tends to accumulate things in the room which makes it messier than DD1 would prefer.

We are actively trying to move the two girls apart, which I hope will give them some of their own space and help their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's mostly a phase they should get through as they learn more about each other. My younger sister and I are a year apart and night and day in terms of personality. We used to fight all the time at that age. We are extremely close now.

However, I would take some steps to improve their current situation ( and for your own peace- our fighting drove my parents crazy).Talk to them like you would an adult. Explain the benefits of relationships and how a relationship is a 2 way street. Guide them to draw boundaries that are firm and respectful.

Tell the younger one that it is important to respect other people's spaces and guide her to keep her toys in her own area of the room. If the room is big enough, use a divider and make each girl's section a little unique.

When my children were those ages, my older one was much more caring than her younger sister. If she got something to eat from the counter or the fridge, she would remember to get one for her sister. She was always that way. I would tell the then 6 year old that relationships are reciprocal and intentional, and if she appreciated that her big sister always thought about her, she had an obligation to do the same for her big sister.

When my older daughter needed space, I would explain it to my younger one and guide her to something she could do by herself or with me if possible.

It seems like you favor your older daughter quite a bit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can’t force them to like each other. My kids are also super different from each other and that’s just how it is. I don’t allow name calling, rude speech or anything like that but you can’t make them appreciate each other. If they do anything nicely together praise that a lot and notice any activity they both enjoy and facilitate that. My daughter does not love sports like her younger brother but she will participate in a few, which is good exercise too. If you see one of them being flexible to accommodate their sibling, praise that. If you notice they’ve done something kind and it makes the other one happy, point that out. I read that somewhere and my oldest in particular seems delighted to have made her younger brother happy through kindness.

But mostly I think you can not make things worse by pitting them against each other or comparing or trying to force activities that aren’t working.

I think this is the best approach. And don't allow them to put the brother in the middle.


If note, I think part of the reason they get along better with their brother is because you don't put pressure on the relationship. Your daughters aren't you and your sister. Take yourself out of it